Dear John,
It's always like this for me. . I never know what to say to you when we're together but when we're apart there are so many things I want to let out. I guess cause when we're together I just wanted to cherish that moment, and when we were together I felt happy and I didn't want to ruin that.
And then we would hang up and I would realize how many things I didn't say and I would always tell myself that I would tell you tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.
I don't think there will be a tomorrow for me now, and it makes me sad that I lost the chance to actually tell you these things. So I'll put everything down here and maybe one day when you're bored, you'll stumble upon it.
You know, I think I must have loved you from the beginning.
I remember seeing you around a lot a few years ago and I didn't really care much about you, but I did bump into you a lot. I don't know if you remember, but you know me with my super good memory so I tend to remember these things. And I remember the day when we first actually talked, back in the summer I think and you were really nice to me.
And I thought you were a pretty nice guy and I did sort of had a crush you. I even asked Evey about you and she told me how much of a flirt you were, but I didn't think much about it cause why would a guy like you notice me anyways?
It wasn't until a few months later when you started talking to me and to this day I don't even know why you did that. It was November, a few days before Thanksgiving when it started and I still remember those days. I loved those days when it was this whole "i-think-i-like-you" phase and when were getting to know each other better.
I didn't take you seriously though cause still in my head I was thinking that a guy like you couldn't possibly like me. I really didn't, but that didn't mean that I wasn't falling for you.. so fast. Thanksgiving came and past .. and I remember giving you my number. You called me with a blocked number and every time I would answer the phone, you would start pressing numbers. That was cute though and I pretended not to know it was you even though I knew all along. "OWIE".
And then you finally called a few days later and the first time where you really called me.. if that makes any sense. It was 6:00AM and my phone was charging in the living room and I heard it ring and I saw the blocked number, so I didn't pick up and I went back to sleep. Then you called me again with your number showing but I had already went back to sleep, so I didn't answer.
December 1st. You called me at 3am and I remember hearing your "Hello." You won me over right there. For the first time in my life, I actually chocked up and couldn't say one word. Nada. Nothing came out cause you actually made me so nervous. And I guess all I could think was "wow I can't believe it, I'm actually talking to him." Can you believe it? You had that effect on me.
Two days later, you asked me to sleep with you there on the phone and that was a first for me. Do you know what you promised me that night? You promised me that you would always be here for me and you promised me that everything was going to be alright. For the first time, I believed you and you sounded so real with me. How could I not?
I fell asleep to the sound of your voice and woke up with you there. You have no idea how that made me feel and it was during those days when I started to realize that I fell for you. I fell in love with you John, in a matter of few days.
Sure I had my doubts and I always had my wall up around you, but you were still really amazing to me. Remember the first time YOU actually stayed on the phone with me and fell asleep? I do. You called me at 7AM and I heard you snoring through the phone. That was the first time when my heart was at ease. I didn't have to worry about you talking to any other girls or flirting with anyone cause you were there with me. You were truly there with me and I had you, even if it was for that short amount of time. That morning it snowed and I remember falling asleep to the sound of your voice and watching the snow fall.
During those weeks you would call me every morning just to wake me up for school and that meant so much to me. That you would set your alarm and wake up early for me. I don't remember much about those days cause it really did all pass in a blur for me. Time seemed to pass by so fast when I was with you John, and I was truly happy.
I remember you saying to me "I love you and I wish you were my girlfriend." I had my doubts then, of course. And I remember questioning you, why were you spending time with me. I really questioned your intentions and I remember you yelling at me for the first time, saying that you love me and no on else. I believed you.
And then we had our first fight over something really stupid and that was when I showed you this. My blog. I wanted you to understand me better and I wanted you to know what I was going through. I remember being really torned up that night cause I didn't know what was going to happen to us and I didn't know what will happen. But you promised me that we would get through it all and that it was going to be okay.
And we did, and soon it was almost Christmas. I remember how all I wanted was you for Christmas and I even blogged about it, in hopes that you would read it and get the hint. I guess you did cause you asked me to be your girlfriend on early Christmas morning and you really did make me so happy. I know that my actions put you off for a bit, but even until then I still couldn't believe that YOU would actually like me or even love me.
Everything with you always seemed too good to be true and I knew that one of these days it was all going to come crashing down.
Christmas and New Years passed; I was pretty upset that you wouldn't come through for me on that New Years day but when you finally did call me, I didn't bitch about it like I planned to cause I felt guilty. You said that you were spending time with your dad and I know you don't get to see him a lot, so I didn't want to take that away from you and I understood. But thinking about it now, I realized I should've said something cause I waited for you. You have no idea how that felt like.
We were good for awhile and then it came to that day when I went on your Myspace and saw a song that you recorded. "It's 4am and I can't stop thinking about you" I think that's what you said and you even sighed. That really broke my heart, knowing that you would do that for another girl and yet when I ask you to sing for me, you wouldn't.
So I took the plunge and asked to be just friends. And then after that you didn't want to talk to me anymore cause why? You were upset that I would take a break up so easily. But that's not how I felt. I wanted to break up cause it seemed like you didn't want to be with me so I was letting you go. I mean if I can't make you happy and I can't make you love me, then what's the point in that?
What I hated the most was the fact that you wouldn't even talk to me afterward cause you claimed that I "broke" your heart. You didn't even want to hear my explaination and it seemed that you were happy to get rid of me. And like a fool I was going to BEG you to come back even though you didn't even really explain to me what that song was all about. I hate that about me.. how I'm so soft on you.
Oh and guess what?
I made that for you the night before we broke up. I wanted to show you that on our one month but I never did cause the right time never came.
You closed up on me and I closed up on you. I gave you space cause I didn't want to smother you and I was just happy that we were still talking after that whole break up thing. And during that week, all I keep thinking was how it was my fault that I lost you and how that you're no longer committed to me. I wanted to ask you to stay true to me even though we weren't together but I was scared to hear another lie from you. So I didn't and I pretended that everything was okay.
And then it happened; I think our biggest fight ever. And it was just a little before our actual one month. That day I heard some things that I wanted to ask you about but somehow you ended up being so mad at me for calling you a liar. And again it was me who kept calling you back and asking you to talk to me.
I feel so pathetic now for the way that I begged you and how that I kept texting and calling but you didn't give me anything.
But then you finally did call me back and on exactly our one month. I asked you to stay the night with me and I didn't want to talk about the whole problem with you cause I didn't want to fight. It was supposed to be a special night and I didn't to be in any more distress. And I never really bought up why I called you a liar in the first place.
It was pretty good after that and we didn't fight or whatever at all. And I was still keeping my distance though cause I didn't want to push you into something you didn't want. I wanted to keep you there and I knew it wouldn't last and that I was just living in the moment.
Then one night you bought up about how you were my boy toy. I never used you and you mean so much more to me than that. I loved you. Not just because of how you made me feel but because of who you are. Yeah, I know you can't help it but flirt with other girls, and I loved you regardless of that. And yeah, you were an asshole and you never want to deal with drama, but I still put up with you.
That week was really good and it was starting to feel like the beginning again. And then I saw the tumblr with your initials all over it. And the heart brownie, again with your initials. I didn't want to say anything cause we been so good and it was so close my birthday. I didn't want to ruin it. And that was why I wrote some of the things I did cause I had all this built up inside of me and the only way I could let it all out was by blogging.
I had wanted to ask you to be my boyfriend again, and I wanted to ask you if you were willing to give me your heart again and if that I can love you again on my birthday. But you ruined all that for me. Did it ever occur to you what you did to me that night? One second you were like oh all we're ever going to be is "just friends" and the next you were like "Happy 19th."
I hated you right there and then. But I didn't bitch or yell at you. Instead I apologized, and tried to explain why I wrote some of the things I did. The answer you gave me was "that still doesn't change a thing." You really did break my heart there, and on the worst day possible.
And after that you didn't want to talk to me any longer and you went from a caring, loving boyfriend (well, sort of), to a stranger who couldn't even bare to like me or talk to me. I can't believe I asked you to stay with me that night. I begged you and finally you agreed and stayed.
I threw my pride out the window and begged even though you didn't explain at all about the brownies or the tumblr. Your only excuse was "oh, she's obsessed with me." And even with that I still wanted you back. Yeah, I'm really pathetic cause here I am wanting someone like you, who probably never loved me. Maybe you did like me somewhat, but not a whole lot. I don't know.
I'm really stupid and I pretend to be blind so that I can have a few more extra days with you. That's how its always been with you. I never want to confront you about anything cause I was so in love with you and that I couldn't even bare the thought of you not talking to me.
I loved you even though you put me through so much shit and made me hurt so much. I really mean it when I say that you don't deserve me. I tolerated every single thing and I apologized every time even though you treated me like an shit. I never bitched at you and I never screamed or yelled at you. At least not like that. I was always too nice and too easy with you.
.
I made that as a rough draft or whatever last weekend. I listed all the things that I would lose if I lost you and I had planned on making a big poster of that and showing it to you on Valentine's Day. In the middle it says "LOVE" and below it "I loved you since the beginning." & finally on the bottom "Will you be my Valentine?" I wanted to ask you to be my Valentine, but that day will never come and I hate to see all my effort go to waste. Even if you don't see, maybe someone will.
Yeah, I would do all these things for you, and I realized that you never did anything for me. Not really, anyways. All you gave me were words that anyone can say just as well. You know what they say, actions speak louder than words. I don't think I've been this hurt by anyone in my life and in all honesty I should hate you, but I don't. But I don't think I'll ever forgive you for screwing me around like that and toying with my feelings.
Seriously, have you ever once considered my feelings and maybe wonder what I'm going through? I don't know and now, it doesn't really matter.
In the end we all learn to let go and move on and accept the way things are.
PS:
I drew that on your OMGpop account one night after we had a fight. "5201314" means I love you forever, but I'm sure you know that. I never told you about it cause I wanted it to be a surprise when you finally sign on and see it. But it's been 41 days since I drew that and you never once went on it.
PSS: I have a good memory, but it's not that great. I remember the dates cause I looked through my blog entries.
PSSS: It's been such an emotional roller coaster ride with you. Do I regret anything? Yeah, I regret not saying a lot of things to you when I should have. I regret holding every single thing back from you. Not for your sake, but for mine cause I ended up hurting myself.
I started this at 7:20AM. It's now two hours later and it's stupid of me, but I hope that once you see this and I know you will, that you will actually read through it and not let this be a waste of two hours for me.
And then we would hang up and I would realize how many things I didn't say and I would always tell myself that I would tell you tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.
I don't think there will be a tomorrow for me now, and it makes me sad that I lost the chance to actually tell you these things. So I'll put everything down here and maybe one day when you're bored, you'll stumble upon it.
You know, I think I must have loved you from the beginning.
I remember seeing you around a lot a few years ago and I didn't really care much about you, but I did bump into you a lot. I don't know if you remember, but you know me with my super good memory so I tend to remember these things. And I remember the day when we first actually talked, back in the summer I think and you were really nice to me.
And I thought you were a pretty nice guy and I did sort of had a crush you. I even asked Evey about you and she told me how much of a flirt you were, but I didn't think much about it cause why would a guy like you notice me anyways?
It wasn't until a few months later when you started talking to me and to this day I don't even know why you did that. It was November, a few days before Thanksgiving when it started and I still remember those days. I loved those days when it was this whole "i-think-i-like-you" phase and when were getting to know each other better.
I didn't take you seriously though cause still in my head I was thinking that a guy like you couldn't possibly like me. I really didn't, but that didn't mean that I wasn't falling for you.. so fast. Thanksgiving came and past .. and I remember giving you my number. You called me with a blocked number and every time I would answer the phone, you would start pressing numbers. That was cute though and I pretended not to know it was you even though I knew all along. "OWIE".
And then you finally called a few days later and the first time where you really called me.. if that makes any sense. It was 6:00AM and my phone was charging in the living room and I heard it ring and I saw the blocked number, so I didn't pick up and I went back to sleep. Then you called me again with your number showing but I had already went back to sleep, so I didn't answer.
December 1st. You called me at 3am and I remember hearing your "Hello." You won me over right there. For the first time in my life, I actually chocked up and couldn't say one word. Nada. Nothing came out cause you actually made me so nervous. And I guess all I could think was "wow I can't believe it, I'm actually talking to him." Can you believe it? You had that effect on me.
Two days later, you asked me to sleep with you there on the phone and that was a first for me. Do you know what you promised me that night? You promised me that you would always be here for me and you promised me that everything was going to be alright. For the first time, I believed you and you sounded so real with me. How could I not?
I fell asleep to the sound of your voice and woke up with you there. You have no idea how that made me feel and it was during those days when I started to realize that I fell for you. I fell in love with you John, in a matter of few days.
Sure I had my doubts and I always had my wall up around you, but you were still really amazing to me. Remember the first time YOU actually stayed on the phone with me and fell asleep? I do. You called me at 7AM and I heard you snoring through the phone. That was the first time when my heart was at ease. I didn't have to worry about you talking to any other girls or flirting with anyone cause you were there with me. You were truly there with me and I had you, even if it was for that short amount of time. That morning it snowed and I remember falling asleep to the sound of your voice and watching the snow fall.
During those weeks you would call me every morning just to wake me up for school and that meant so much to me. That you would set your alarm and wake up early for me. I don't remember much about those days cause it really did all pass in a blur for me. Time seemed to pass by so fast when I was with you John, and I was truly happy.
I remember you saying to me "I love you and I wish you were my girlfriend." I had my doubts then, of course. And I remember questioning you, why were you spending time with me. I really questioned your intentions and I remember you yelling at me for the first time, saying that you love me and no on else. I believed you.
And then we had our first fight over something really stupid and that was when I showed you this. My blog. I wanted you to understand me better and I wanted you to know what I was going through. I remember being really torned up that night cause I didn't know what was going to happen to us and I didn't know what will happen. But you promised me that we would get through it all and that it was going to be okay.
And we did, and soon it was almost Christmas. I remember how all I wanted was you for Christmas and I even blogged about it, in hopes that you would read it and get the hint. I guess you did cause you asked me to be your girlfriend on early Christmas morning and you really did make me so happy. I know that my actions put you off for a bit, but even until then I still couldn't believe that YOU would actually like me or even love me.
Everything with you always seemed too good to be true and I knew that one of these days it was all going to come crashing down.
Christmas and New Years passed; I was pretty upset that you wouldn't come through for me on that New Years day but when you finally did call me, I didn't bitch about it like I planned to cause I felt guilty. You said that you were spending time with your dad and I know you don't get to see him a lot, so I didn't want to take that away from you and I understood. But thinking about it now, I realized I should've said something cause I waited for you. You have no idea how that felt like.
We were good for awhile and then it came to that day when I went on your Myspace and saw a song that you recorded. "It's 4am and I can't stop thinking about you" I think that's what you said and you even sighed. That really broke my heart, knowing that you would do that for another girl and yet when I ask you to sing for me, you wouldn't.
So I took the plunge and asked to be just friends. And then after that you didn't want to talk to me anymore cause why? You were upset that I would take a break up so easily. But that's not how I felt. I wanted to break up cause it seemed like you didn't want to be with me so I was letting you go. I mean if I can't make you happy and I can't make you love me, then what's the point in that?
What I hated the most was the fact that you wouldn't even talk to me afterward cause you claimed that I "broke" your heart. You didn't even want to hear my explaination and it seemed that you were happy to get rid of me. And like a fool I was going to BEG you to come back even though you didn't even really explain to me what that song was all about. I hate that about me.. how I'm so soft on you.
Oh and guess what?
I made that for you the night before we broke up. I wanted to show you that on our one month but I never did cause the right time never came.
You closed up on me and I closed up on you. I gave you space cause I didn't want to smother you and I was just happy that we were still talking after that whole break up thing. And during that week, all I keep thinking was how it was my fault that I lost you and how that you're no longer committed to me. I wanted to ask you to stay true to me even though we weren't together but I was scared to hear another lie from you. So I didn't and I pretended that everything was okay.
And then it happened; I think our biggest fight ever. And it was just a little before our actual one month. That day I heard some things that I wanted to ask you about but somehow you ended up being so mad at me for calling you a liar. And again it was me who kept calling you back and asking you to talk to me.
I feel so pathetic now for the way that I begged you and how that I kept texting and calling but you didn't give me anything.
But then you finally did call me back and on exactly our one month. I asked you to stay the night with me and I didn't want to talk about the whole problem with you cause I didn't want to fight. It was supposed to be a special night and I didn't to be in any more distress. And I never really bought up why I called you a liar in the first place.
It was pretty good after that and we didn't fight or whatever at all. And I was still keeping my distance though cause I didn't want to push you into something you didn't want. I wanted to keep you there and I knew it wouldn't last and that I was just living in the moment.
Then one night you bought up about how you were my boy toy. I never used you and you mean so much more to me than that. I loved you. Not just because of how you made me feel but because of who you are. Yeah, I know you can't help it but flirt with other girls, and I loved you regardless of that. And yeah, you were an asshole and you never want to deal with drama, but I still put up with you.
That week was really good and it was starting to feel like the beginning again. And then I saw the tumblr with your initials all over it. And the heart brownie, again with your initials. I didn't want to say anything cause we been so good and it was so close my birthday. I didn't want to ruin it. And that was why I wrote some of the things I did cause I had all this built up inside of me and the only way I could let it all out was by blogging.
I had wanted to ask you to be my boyfriend again, and I wanted to ask you if you were willing to give me your heart again and if that I can love you again on my birthday. But you ruined all that for me. Did it ever occur to you what you did to me that night? One second you were like oh all we're ever going to be is "just friends" and the next you were like "Happy 19th."
I hated you right there and then. But I didn't bitch or yell at you. Instead I apologized, and tried to explain why I wrote some of the things I did. The answer you gave me was "that still doesn't change a thing." You really did break my heart there, and on the worst day possible.
And after that you didn't want to talk to me any longer and you went from a caring, loving boyfriend (well, sort of), to a stranger who couldn't even bare to like me or talk to me. I can't believe I asked you to stay with me that night. I begged you and finally you agreed and stayed.
I threw my pride out the window and begged even though you didn't explain at all about the brownies or the tumblr. Your only excuse was "oh, she's obsessed with me." And even with that I still wanted you back. Yeah, I'm really pathetic cause here I am wanting someone like you, who probably never loved me. Maybe you did like me somewhat, but not a whole lot. I don't know.
I'm really stupid and I pretend to be blind so that I can have a few more extra days with you. That's how its always been with you. I never want to confront you about anything cause I was so in love with you and that I couldn't even bare the thought of you not talking to me.
I loved you even though you put me through so much shit and made me hurt so much. I really mean it when I say that you don't deserve me. I tolerated every single thing and I apologized every time even though you treated me like an shit. I never bitched at you and I never screamed or yelled at you. At least not like that. I was always too nice and too easy with you.
.
I made that as a rough draft or whatever last weekend. I listed all the things that I would lose if I lost you and I had planned on making a big poster of that and showing it to you on Valentine's Day. In the middle it says "LOVE" and below it "I loved you since the beginning." & finally on the bottom "Will you be my Valentine?" I wanted to ask you to be my Valentine, but that day will never come and I hate to see all my effort go to waste. Even if you don't see, maybe someone will.
Yeah, I would do all these things for you, and I realized that you never did anything for me. Not really, anyways. All you gave me were words that anyone can say just as well. You know what they say, actions speak louder than words. I don't think I've been this hurt by anyone in my life and in all honesty I should hate you, but I don't. But I don't think I'll ever forgive you for screwing me around like that and toying with my feelings.
Seriously, have you ever once considered my feelings and maybe wonder what I'm going through? I don't know and now, it doesn't really matter.
In the end we all learn to let go and move on and accept the way things are.
PS:
I drew that on your OMGpop account one night after we had a fight. "5201314" means I love you forever, but I'm sure you know that. I never told you about it cause I wanted it to be a surprise when you finally sign on and see it. But it's been 41 days since I drew that and you never once went on it.
PSS: I have a good memory, but it's not that great. I remember the dates cause I looked through my blog entries.
PSSS: It's been such an emotional roller coaster ride with you. Do I regret anything? Yeah, I regret not saying a lot of things to you when I should have. I regret holding every single thing back from you. Not for your sake, but for mine cause I ended up hurting myself.
I started this at 7:20AM. It's now two hours later and it's stupid of me, but I hope that once you see this and I know you will, that you will actually read through it and not let this be a waste of two hours for me.
posted by Belle-laide at
7:21 AM
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