oh dear god,

when will this stop? please please .. I just wish all of this pain would go away. I wish I was stronger, but it’s always there at the back of my mind.. no matter how hard I try to keep myself busy.. these thoughts just keep slipping back in.

I don’t know how to cope with it.. it seems really morbid of me to say this.. but sometimes I just wish that I can die and so I won’t feel anymore. I mean, I’ve tried.. that night I must’ve took sixty pills and yet here I am..

please make it go away..please..I don’t know what else to do..

Omgahhh, my effing hormones are out of control these days -__-
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So much buffet this week..oh well its so yummy tho :)
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Oh dear god, why does it still hurt so much. I'm surrounded by people..my parents, friends, school friends..and yet I feel so lonely..without him. But I don't ever want to talk to him again..I think its cause with him, I could just be..cus usually what people think of me is important..and I hold my guard. I let my guard down and I was just ..myself. And now I don't understand why I'm breaking down and crying cus it shouldn't even hurt this much..
Maybe I'm an emotional sadist......
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Arghhhh, I need some time for myself! Everyday..wake up 7am..go school..work mon, wed, fri after school..if not then study with ppl - -"
I'm so exhausted!! And even my weekends feel so short..
tmr v's bday party ..I didn't even find a gift yet..omg & just got off from work but I have to go city to meet up with peter & I already feel bad cus he's in ny by myself & I don't even have time to hang out with him.
Omggg I'm gonna cry..wish I had more time..
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IMG00471-20110324-0757.jpg

:) so prettyyyyyy~
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how could you do this to me...do you know what i thought when i first you? that finally..there was a guy whose actually caring.. not just about me but other things too..
but i was so wrong...
and you..cause me so much pain.. hurt me so many times..
i just cant anymore and whats done is done.
goodbye world~

Wuts the point of living...
I have nothing...
Its too hard to do this..and I can't take it anymore
Its reallyreally hard to..live..
To pretend that I'm fine..
Nothing matters anymore..
And everyone will be better off with me gone.
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i need to get away from everything. i can't handle it anymore.
i feel like i'm about to explode and i can't take it.

so it's okay of you to go and ignore me and go on ahead and start talking to your ex again.
and it's okay of you to pretend that i don't exist and that my feelings doesn't count.
can someone please tell me how someone can be so selfish?
because what did i ever do to you that was... so.. hurtful?

i don't fucking care if you went ahead and get with another girl.
but for you to go around and go back with the ex that you broke up with me on my birthday for..
that's just plain messed up.

do you know how that fucking makes me feel? i mean it was enough that you made me she's better and shit. but for you to constantly throw that in my face..

i can't take it anymore. i never did anything to you to deserve any of this. and yeah i can get all bitchy and psycho but i never made you feel like you weren't worth it or that you were like nothing.

no, i can't take it anymore..

you wanna fking mess with me?
well i can make ur life a living hell too.
cause no one gets away with treating me like that.

cause i never did shit to you.
but for you to go around & make me feel stupid
& to go around ignoring me and blocking me.

well thats another thing. i think i've finally reached my limit where i just don't care anymore.
and everything. EVERYTHING is coming out.

you wanna fucking be with her right?
well i'm making sure thats NEVER GONNA HAPPEN :)

like i've said. NO ONE GETS AWAY with doing this shit to me.

IMG00459-20110313-1739.jpg

Look so prettty.. The clouds..I like lying in bed & looking at the clouds ..

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Haha damnnnn, everyone knocked out & I'm still wide awakeeeee.
Today was actually a really good day..
Dyed hair this morning ...its ehh :( & stupid weston kept making fun of it & kept calling me pumpkin head -____-
Welll~ my "date" with xj was lame. He's such a loser..ugh seriously are there even any decent guys out there??
- -" we were supposed to go movies but I was like oh yuh I got curfew..my mom gonna be mad, hahaha.
Went to ceo instead & chilled..then went to tiffs house with tt, & jen..sleeping over now :) girls night~ funfunfun..watching movies & I was mixing drinks..vodka & cranberry juice is yummmmmyyyyy!
Yupppp my night was kind of awesome~ but still I feel like sammi on jersey shore..when she was like "I need a hot guy" cus yeah.. I do.
I want a hot guy to spice up my lifeeeeee..you know wut sounds good right now? A fling with a gorgeous guy and I'd be happy...
Too bad there is no one around~ sigh
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yeah ive been bipolar as fuck lately
but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m fucking PISSED OFF.

what kind of a person just fucking IGNORES everything I’VE SAID.
are you kidding me? fuck this shit. I’m done. why bother with someone
who just likes to HIDE BEHIND THEIR PHONE? lmao that exactly what he fucking does
cause he’s like too scared to confront me and shit.
so instead he sees everything I’ve said but goes and hides behind his damn phone
like a fucking coward.

uh yeah dude grow a pair haha. fuck him.
donedonedone.

& not gonna let him effect my damn mood cause
I got a date and I’m gonna have funnnnnn. oh yeah its about fucking time
that I get with a fucking guy. cause I cant even remember the last time
I kissed someone. lame right? uhhuh.

They say that it gets better over time.

Does it really? Because it’s been months now and yet not a thing has changed. And by this point, I don’t know what is wrong with me anymore. I went out today; I laughed, had a good time and even gave my number to a cute boy, so why is that here I am .. with this deep sadness sitting in my chest that refuses to go away.

I shouldn’t be feeling this, I know that. I have two parents that support me, my grades are above average and I have some amazing friends who still sticks by me even through these years. But my life still feel empty.. unfulfilled and non meaningful.

They also say that depression kills.

I’ve felt that pieces of me is gone, no longer am I that person that I used to be. Sure, people change all of the time but I don’t like this person, I’ve changed into. But most importantly, I don’t like how I feel all the time nowadays. I go to sleep everyday and I lay in bed.. feeling nothing but loneliness.

And it’s funny because for the life of me, I have no idea WHY I’m feeling all of these unwanted emotions.

I don't like pretty boys. They're fine but not my type. I like guys whose not conventionally good looking O_O .. Not ugly but those guys with unique features.. I find so attractive haha. & I like guys whose loud and outgoing and who plays / jokes around. Yeah idk ~

Buuuuut gonna go boy hunting yayyyy :)
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I hate this weather. It makes me wanna cry. LOL
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i stayed up to finish reading the postmistress
and it got me thinking..

life is really hard..
because shitty things happens to all of us
and some of us have it harder than others.
and yet everyday, we .. human beings strive to move forward and live on.
and im just thinking.. is it worth it?

yeah idk~
main point. LIFE IS REALLY TOUGH ..

finally cleaned out my bookcase ~~
haha talked to jen on phone for almost..
eight hours. wow =_=

piece of bread + nutella
90 + 100

6 dumplings + oil
216 + 150

frozen curry chicken and rice
400

coffee + creamer + sweenter
around 150~200

=1106~1156

-_- ugh yeah. i did not mean to eat those damn dumplings. so that means around 500~600 calories left today i can eat.. ok about to start workout ..doing hiit 20 + stretch 20 & cardio party today.

yeah it's time to get committed..
bust: 36
waist: 26
hips: 37

breakfast;
piece of bread + nutella spread
glass of milk

lunch;
bento

snack;
nutirtion bar

didn't look at calories today ~.~ .. just finished doing fire 30 & stretch 10. so i'm gonna make wed my rest day & thinking about doing turbo jam as well. idk somehow do turbo fire & turbo jam workouts everyday..we'll see we'll see.

Uh lol I think I just got hit on by a girl
"Ur new hair cut looks so cute"
"Oh ur hair is so soft & silky"
Hahaha
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I can't take it anymore
I can't ..
..me hiding in my bathroom from my psycopath mother whose coming after me with a knife and raving about how I'm not going to live past midnight cus she's going to kill me
Oh god...
When will this ever end.
I can't take it anymore...I just want to get out here..
No one ever does anything..
The neighbors they hear us..her going crazy and me screaming..
My dad sees us..
But on one ever does anything..
No one ever comes and protects me..
I have all these material things..and I would trade it all for a family.
A real family...cus I'm all alone in this world..
And I'm all by myself..its always been this way ..
And I'm so tired of being by myself...
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my hair is toffee colored O_O ..
haha idk
i just want my macroon biege :(

$553.87
that's how much i've spent in the past two days.
i wanna cry cus im not supposed to use that much money
i just hope that damn interview with kamp goes well
& that i get the job cus if i dont then im fked.
idk how to stop buying stuff. omg..

wow so she has an infection cus wutshisface fingered her. really?!?! -_-
ugh anyway shopping list for tmr

-ash eyebrow lifter / tint
-ash blonde loreal hair dye
-shisem criss cross lashes
-hair shine spray thingy

Sigh..
Can't sleep..heavy heart..& starting to think too much..
I don't want to think..& I don't want to start to cry..
I just want to fall asleep..
Idk idk idk.
Ughhhhhhh. Why can't you just be a normal person. Why can't you miss me and why can't you just can't let me go. Why can't you just need me and why can't you just come chase after me and not watch me walk away.
Omg..
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really. they met three weeks ago. and now this week, he's FINGERING HER?!!? what.
seriously. she's the only one of my friends that i know that's still a virgin
but yet this guy she doesn't even know him.
ugh omg. i sound like a prude. but i'm not. it's the fact that .. idk. shouldn't it be AT LEAST a little sacred who you let uhh someone touch?!?! idk lol ~.~
i mean the first time.. i known wutshisface SIX MONTHS, before i actually let him & it didnt really count cus he made me hurt like a bitch and it was only once.
but STILL, what is going on with this generation. -_______-
what happened to first times being with someone special & shit. even if it was just fingering, i still think whoever.. the first to do that should be special ..... or at least someone you KNOW -_- not a boy you just met.
yeah idk ~

omg. my heart is racing.
i just spent $515..
i think i have a serious problem..
i can't stop spending money.
omg..

UGH BITCH WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I TALK TO YOU IT'S ALWAYS
YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU
omg
-_-

I CANT FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE.
DSALFKJDSLKFJSDALKFJDSLAKJFSDA
...........................

ugh. -_- got my debit cards & money taken away cus my dad said that money comes so easily.. he said i can either work at his flushing office or chinatown office. so i guess i have to work for a few days every week now . booo :(