What hurts the most isn't the fact that you left but that I need you in my life while you don't need me at all.

._.

I'm jealous. Yeah I shouldn't be cause things are better off as it is right now, but I'm jealous cause they had more memories shared with you. Because we don't have a lot & I'm still just ....

I don't even know how I feel anymore. Confusing.

-_-. I hate myself for even getting this done, but this how I feel and I feel so stupid for feeling this way.

I never really trusted you, but I realized now that I should have and I wish I knew sooner. But that's just it. Trust. You take a risk to trust someone and I didn't do that with you. I was always too scared and shit, but now I know exactly what was going on.. I just regret so much.

Life is funny sometimes. I guess.. I had my chance and I lost it. That's what I regret most.. I wish I can take it all back.. and I wish ....

Hopeless to wish for things. -_____- I should stick to my own advice sometimes.

STUPIDDDDDD~~~~ . Gosh. -_-.

Junie: the hardest thing to do is loving someone who loves someone else.
When did she get so smart ~~' sighs.

What should i do....? i feel bad for _____ . Even though i was the one that broke the friendship. Today is her birthdayy. Well even though you won't see this i'll still remember the fun times we had and wish you a happy birthday !. ^_^

Things like that makes me want to cry ._. It's funny how you can go from being close friends with someone in one minute and the next total strangers. Sometimes it makes me wonder what actually went wrong but I'll never know.

I've lost too many things .. I don't want to lose another. Or have is it already too late?

I hate how I let you walk all over me.

It's been one week.

I don't think you even remember cause you're moving on but I'm not. I need to hear it from you though. Tell me that your moving on and that you don't love me and that you don't want me anymore. I keep hoping and hanging on and I'm tired of doing this to myself.

I guess I just need to hear it from you .. even though I know it's true but I just don't believe it. Not until you say it to me. I should know by how you don't even answer my calls or texts anymore. Or the fact that you never once called me since.. that day. Or how you cut off all contact with me.. and can barely stand to talk to me anymore.

But I'm a girl.. I'm hardheaded and I over analyze everything you say to me. And I refused to give you up. But all these things that you're doing just shows you don't care about me .. or us and that it never really meant anything. I don't know.

I had wanted that "Dear John letter" to be the last thing I'll ever write about you, but it didn't seem to turn out that way.

I feel like I'm fighting a battle with myself cause I hate to admit it, but there is a part of me that's already moved on, but there's also another part of me that just wants to keep hanging on. It's stupid of me to feel this way cause I still want you back and hope that maybe you will take me back despite all that's happened.

Why am I so weak when it comes to you? I don't like feeling this way.. as if you have a certain control over my life even though you don't know it. ._.

i can't sleep tonight & the memories won't leave me alone.

My eyes hurt and my body is tired but I can't sleep cause these memories just keeps coming back to me.

Today FiFi wouldn't stop barking at the vistors and finally I couldn't take anymore of his shrill barks, so I took him into my room and decided to put the shock collar on him. He's terrified of that thing, I knew that, but I was still angry at him because he just wouldn't behave himself.

So I sat him down on my lap and tied on the shock collar and that's when I saw it. I know he's just a dog and everything, but he has feelings too. He had the saddest eyes and for the first time in my life, I finally understood the meaning of "eyes are the window to someone's soul" or however the quote may go.

I broke down right there.

What I'm trying to say is that, you told me you loved me and I believed you. So how can you bare putting me through so much pain and hurt? You know what your actions and words do to me and it really makes me question if you really loved me at all to begin with.

But I don't think that even matters anymore cause you moved and here I am still pinning after you. I'm wishing for things that will never again be true. It's hopeless when it comes to you and me.

So tell me, how do I let go of you cause that's really hard for me to do.

Dear John,

It's always like this for me. . I never know what to say to you when we're together but when we're apart there are so many things I want to let out. I guess cause when we're together I just wanted to cherish that moment, and when we were together I felt happy and I didn't want to ruin that.

And then we would hang up and I would realize how many things I didn't say and I would always tell myself that I would tell you tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

I don't think there will be a tomorrow for me now, and it makes me sad that I lost the chance to actually tell you these things. So I'll put everything down here and maybe one day when you're bored, you'll stumble upon it.

You know, I think I must have loved you from the beginning.

I remember seeing you around a lot a few years ago and I didn't really care much about you, but I did bump into you a lot. I don't know if you remember, but you know me with my super good memory so I tend to remember these things. And I remember the day when we first actually talked, back in the summer I think and you were really nice to me.

And I thought you were a pretty nice guy and I did sort of had a crush you. I even asked Evey about you and she told me how much of a flirt you were, but I didn't think much about it cause why would a guy like you notice me anyways?

It wasn't until a few months later when you started talking to me and to this day I don't even know why you did that. It was November, a few days before Thanksgiving when it started and I still remember those days. I loved those days when it was this whole "i-think-i-like-you" phase and when were getting to know each other better.

I didn't take you seriously though cause still in my head I was thinking that a guy like you couldn't possibly like me. I really didn't, but that didn't mean that I wasn't falling for you.. so fast. Thanksgiving came and past .. and I remember giving you my number. You called me with a blocked number and every time I would answer the phone, you would start pressing numbers. That was cute though and I pretended not to know it was you even though I knew all along. "OWIE".

And then you finally called a few days later and the first time where you really called me.. if that makes any sense. It was 6:00AM and my phone was charging in the living room and I heard it ring and I saw the blocked number, so I didn't pick up and I went back to sleep. Then you called me again with your number showing but I had already went back to sleep, so I didn't answer.

December 1st. You called me at 3am and I remember hearing your "Hello." You won me over right there. For the first time in my life, I actually chocked up and couldn't say one word. Nada. Nothing came out cause you actually made me so nervous. And I guess all I could think was "wow I can't believe it, I'm actually talking to him." Can you believe it? You had that effect on me.

Two days later, you asked me to sleep with you there on the phone and that was a first for me. Do you know what you promised me that night? You promised me that you would always be here for me and you promised me that everything was going to be alright. For the first time, I believed you and you sounded so real with me. How could I not?

I fell asleep to the sound of your voice and woke up with you there. You have no idea how that made me feel and it was during those days when I started to realize that I fell for you. I fell in love with you John, in a matter of few days.

Sure I had my doubts and I always had my wall up around you, but you were still really amazing to me. Remember the first time YOU actually stayed on the phone with me and fell asleep? I do. You called me at 7AM and I heard you snoring through the phone. That was the first time when my heart was at ease. I didn't have to worry about you talking to any other girls or flirting with anyone cause you were there with me. You were truly there with me and I had you, even if it was for that short amount of time. That morning it snowed and I remember falling asleep to the sound of your voice and watching the snow fall.

During those weeks you would call me every morning just to wake me up for school and that meant so much to me. That you would set your alarm and wake up early for me. I don't remember much about those days cause it really did all pass in a blur for me. Time seemed to pass by so fast when I was with you John, and I was truly happy.

I remember you saying to me "I love you and I wish you were my girlfriend." I had my doubts then, of course. And I remember questioning you, why were you spending time with me. I really questioned your intentions and I remember you yelling at me for the first time, saying that you love me and no on else. I believed you.

And then we had our first fight over something really stupid and that was when I showed you this. My blog. I wanted you to understand me better and I wanted you to know what I was going through. I remember being really torned up that night cause I didn't know what was going to happen to us and I didn't know what will happen. But you promised me that we would get through it all and that it was going to be okay.

And we did, and soon it was almost Christmas. I remember how all I wanted was you for Christmas and I even blogged about it, in hopes that you would read it and get the hint. I guess you did cause you asked me to be your girlfriend on early Christmas morning and you really did make me so happy. I know that my actions put you off for a bit, but even until then I still couldn't believe that YOU would actually like me or even love me.

Everything with you always seemed too good to be true and I knew that one of these days it was all going to come crashing down.

Christmas and New Years passed; I was pretty upset that you wouldn't come through for me on that New Years day but when you finally did call me, I didn't bitch about it like I planned to cause I felt guilty. You said that you were spending time with your dad and I know you don't get to see him a lot, so I didn't want to take that away from you and I understood. But thinking about it now, I realized I should've said something cause I waited for you. You have no idea how that felt like.

We were good for awhile and then it came to that day when I went on your Myspace and saw a song that you recorded. "It's 4am and I can't stop thinking about you" I think that's what you said and you even sighed. That really broke my heart, knowing that you would do that for another girl and yet when I ask you to sing for me, you wouldn't.

So I took the plunge and asked to be just friends. And then after that you didn't want to talk to me anymore cause why? You were upset that I would take a break up so easily. But that's not how I felt. I wanted to break up cause it seemed like you didn't want to be with me so I was letting you go. I mean if I can't make you happy and I can't make you love me, then what's the point in that?

What I hated the most was the fact that you wouldn't even talk to me afterward cause you claimed that I "broke" your heart. You didn't even want to hear my explaination and it seemed that you were happy to get rid of me. And like a fool I was going to BEG you to come back even though you didn't even really explain to me what that song was all about. I hate that about me.. how I'm so soft on you.

Oh and guess what?


I made that for you the night before we broke up. I wanted to show you that on our one month but I never did cause the right time never came.

You closed up on me and I closed up on you. I gave you space cause I didn't want to smother you and I was just happy that we were still talking after that whole break up thing. And during that week, all I keep thinking was how it was my fault that I lost you and how that you're no longer committed to me. I wanted to ask you to stay true to me even though we weren't together but I was scared to hear another lie from you. So I didn't and I pretended that everything was okay.

And then it happened; I think our biggest fight ever. And it was just a little before our actual one month. That day I heard some things that I wanted to ask you about but somehow you ended up being so mad at me for calling you a liar. And again it was me who kept calling you back and asking you to talk to me.

I feel so pathetic now for the way that I begged you and how that I kept texting and calling but you didn't give me anything.

But then you finally did call me back and on exactly our one month. I asked you to stay the night with me and I didn't want to talk about the whole problem with you cause I didn't want to fight. It was supposed to be a special night and I didn't to be in any more distress. And I never really bought up why I called you a liar in the first place.

It was pretty good after that and we didn't fight or whatever at all. And I was still keeping my distance though cause I didn't want to push you into something you didn't want. I wanted to keep you there and I knew it wouldn't last and that I was just living in the moment.

Then one night you bought up about how you were my boy toy. I never used you and you mean so much more to me than that. I loved you. Not just because of how you made me feel but because of who you are. Yeah, I know you can't help it but flirt with other girls, and I loved you regardless of that. And yeah, you were an asshole and you never want to deal with drama, but I still put up with you.

That week was really good and it was starting to feel like the beginning again. And then I saw the tumblr with your initials all over it. And the heart brownie, again with your initials. I didn't want to say anything cause we been so good and it was so close my birthday. I didn't want to ruin it. And that was why I wrote some of the things I did cause I had all this built up inside of me and the only way I could let it all out was by blogging.

I had wanted to ask you to be my boyfriend again, and I wanted to ask you if you were willing to give me your heart again and if that I can love you again on my birthday. But you ruined all that for me. Did it ever occur to you what you did to me that night? One second you were like oh all we're ever going to be is "just friends" and the next you were like "Happy 19th."

I hated you right there and then. But I didn't bitch or yell at you. Instead I apologized, and tried to explain why I wrote some of the things I did. The answer you gave me was "that still doesn't change a thing." You really did break my heart there, and on the worst day possible.

And after that you didn't want to talk to me any longer and you went from a caring, loving boyfriend (well, sort of), to a stranger who couldn't even bare to like me or talk to me. I can't believe I asked you to stay with me that night. I begged you and finally you agreed and stayed.

I threw my pride out the window and begged even though you didn't explain at all about the brownies or the tumblr. Your only excuse was "oh, she's obsessed with me." And even with that I still wanted you back. Yeah, I'm really pathetic cause here I am wanting someone like you, who probably never loved me. Maybe you did like me somewhat, but not a whole lot. I don't know.

I'm really stupid and I pretend to be blind so that I can have a few more extra days with you. That's how its always been with you. I never want to confront you about anything cause I was so in love with you and that I couldn't even bare the thought of you not talking to me.

I loved you even though you put me through so much shit and made me hurt so much. I really mean it when I say that you don't deserve me. I tolerated every single thing and I apologized every time even though you treated me like an shit. I never bitched at you and I never screamed or yelled at you. At least not like that. I was always too nice and too easy with you.

.
I made that as a rough draft or whatever last weekend. I listed all the things that I would lose if I lost you and I had planned on making a big poster of that and showing it to you on Valentine's Day. In the middle it says "LOVE" and below it "I loved you since the beginning." & finally on the bottom "Will you be my Valentine?" I wanted to ask you to be my Valentine, but that day will never come and I hate to see all my effort go to waste. Even if you don't see, maybe someone will.

Yeah, I would do all these things for you, and I realized that you never did anything for me. Not really, anyways. All you gave me were words that anyone can say just as well. You know what they say, actions speak louder than words. I don't think I've been this hurt by anyone in my life and in all honesty I should hate you, but I don't. But I don't think I'll ever forgive you for screwing me around like that and toying with my feelings.

Seriously, have you ever once considered my feelings and maybe wonder what I'm going through? I don't know and now, it doesn't really matter.

In the end we all learn to let go and move on and accept the way things are.

PS:


I drew that on your OMGpop account one night after we had a fight. "5201314" means I love you forever, but I'm sure you know that. I never told you about it cause I wanted it to be a surprise when you finally sign on and see it. But it's been 41 days since I drew that and you never once went on it.

PSS: I have a good memory, but it's not that great. I remember the dates cause I looked through my blog entries.

PSSS: It's been such an emotional roller coaster ride with you. Do I regret anything? Yeah, I regret not saying a lot of things to you when I should have. I regret holding every single thing back from you. Not for your sake, but for mine cause I ended up hurting myself.

I started this at 7:20AM. It's now two hours later and it's stupid of me, but I hope that once you see this and I know you will, that you will actually read through it and not let this be a waste of two hours for me.

Every once in awhile your voice still comes to me and it's stuck in my head. I can still hear your stupid laugh, hear your smile, and all these little things comes back to me.

-_______-.

Leave me alone already. I don't want you in my head and I don't want to think about you. I don't want to miss you and I don't want to love you.

I don't want to waste my feelings for someone who doesn't care.

I feel stupid cause you want nothing to do with me and yet I'm still hanging on. I feel stupid cause I should have realized long time ago that you don't want me. I mean it was obvious how every time this happens it's always me that comes begging for you to stay.

So I think the best thing for me to do is just let go and move on. You don't want to be with me and you don't want me in your life and even if I do force you to come back, we still wouldn't work out. It takes two to make a relationship work and it seems that I'm the one here that wants this.

It's just that it's been so easy for you to just move on like that, but it's not that way for me. One day you're so in love with someone and the next you want nothing to do with them. I don't know how to do that, so right now I just want to forget cause it's too painful, but one day I'll look back and smile at the good times.

8:37 am

& I won't be getting any sleep tonight cause there's just too much things on my mind.

I can't help wonder about some things & it doesn't make anything easier for me. I don't know what you're feeling and I would like to know so much though but you can hardly bare to talk to me. If you don't want me in your life then let me know so I can stop hanging on and I wouldn't get my hopes high up.

Do you really want to throw that all away though? What we had was special, at least that's how I felt. There were times where I just wanted to scream and yell at you cause you were being such a dick to me and there were times where you would make me so mad and frustrated. But at the end of the day, I still loved you.

It hurts to see that you're willing to let it all go and I feel that the more I hold onto you, the more you push yourself away from me.

I don't know what to do. A part of me wants to come running to you crying and begging you to come back. But that's not me and I hate that I feel this way. I hate how I'm desperately pathetic cause I depend on you. And I hate how you still refused to stay after I practically begged you to. But if you don't want to, then nothing is going to change that.

Just like how it's not going to change the fact that all you want is just friendship out of this relationship. If it's truly what you want, then I won't bug and nag you anymore and I'll learn to respect your decision.

bittersweet

You prove me wrong time and time again.

I wanted to tell you that I missed you and that I loved you, but I know that wasn't what you wanted to hear from me. But I do. I do love you and I miss you like fuck.

But you're probably doing okay. I don't know.

I hate that you can be perfectly fine with this and I hate that you can forget everything so easily, while I can't even do anything without breaking down. I hate how you can make me hurt so much and say all those things and yet I still love you. And I fucking hate crying.

I don't know. But stop giving me mixed signals, cause you're confusing the hell outta me right now.

I don't want to be just friends. I don't, I don't, I don't.


I want so much more than that...

It's snowing once again and you know why it reminds me of you? There was this one night where I waited all night for you to call and I didn't know what you were doing. I should've called you and I regret not doing that. But you ended up calling me at 7am and eventually you fell asleep and started snoring. I think it was at that moment, I felt that I truly had you for the first time. You were all mine and I didn't have to worry about if there are any other girls you're talking to. I remember it started snowing then and I couldn't sleep. I watched as tiny snowflakes fell and I listened to your soft snoring and at that time, I felt really.. content.

That was the first night where you actually stayed with me and I'll always remember that.

No matter how bad it is, all I can do is put on my favorite dress & show off my Jimmy Choo's cause if I can't be happy the least I can do is be pretty.

It's funny how I couldn't shed one tear before and when you left I couldn't seem to stop.

I know I said I would be strong and that I would be okay but when the moment came nothing seemed okay. I was terrified and I was scared, but most of all, my heart hurt like never before.

I feel like we're on repeat cause every time, we're good something bad always seem to happen. Is that a sign? I don't believe in signs though cause life is what you make it. I don't understand why this always happens but it's just been one emotional wreck after another.

I remember you told me once that if you truly loved someone you would fight for them and that you wouldn't give up. I hope you love me enough to not give up on me or on us cause I want us to be back together; just you & me.

I don't think we're better off as just friends and I don't want to be just friends with you. I want to be so much more than that. Your stupid for thinking that your just a boy toy to me; someone to toy and mess around with and to throw away when I get bored.

I love you and please don't tell me otherwise.

What does it mean when a boy calls you just to tell you good night & that he's going to sleep?

I don't know what to do at this point. I have you and yet I don't and I know that your heart will never truly belong to me. What can I do about that? I can't make you love me enough to stay and I know what you do behind my back.

I feel like a fucking idiot cause I pretend I don't know what your doing even though I know fully well.

One thing I don't understand is that how can you do something like that. I really don't. I mean I wish I did and then maybe I can understand you better or something. I wanna get in your head, haha I guess what's what I'm saying.

I'm stupid for letting you lie to me.

confused&hurt;

I don't know whether or not your feelings for me are true; but I know that you care for me to some extent. And to be honest, I don't even know why; I'm not pretty and I don't have the best personality in the world.

But that's who I am. I'm not going to change for you and I'm not going to let you get me down.

There are so many emotions running through me that I don't know if there is anyone out there who will understand what I'm going through.

I know that the best thing for me to do is just leave and let you go. Or at least confront you and tell you know that I know what you're doing behind my back. But instead I chose to ignore and I chose to be blind. Why?

I'm scared to not have you in my life.

I can't say that I love you. Love is a strong word and honestly I don't think I can love someone who has lied to me so much. But I like you, very much.

I don't know what to do and until someone better comes along, I'm going to be hopelessly stuck on you,

FUCK YOU

Guess what? I couldn't even cry over you, cause I know just exactly what kind of person you are. Why the fuck am I so stupid to believe all your fucking lies and still hold onto you. I know your not worth my time and you know what? I fucking deserve better.

I fucking KNOW everything. I pretend that I don't know cause I fucking love you. My heart is not ready to let go of you. But the better part of me knows that in the end your just going to hurt me even more.

Oh and if you want to talk about other girls and how pretty they are then go talk to them. Don't fucking talk to me if you want to think about other girls then. Asshole.

I deserve someone who will see how beautiful I truly am. Inside&Out.