19.

I made a promise to myself that I would at least blog about something, anything every day cause I want to get these memories down before I forget them. I'm a sentimental person and sometimes I like looking through old things , whether it be texts, chat logs, or even this and just relive in those memories again. Yeah, I really like that.

End of January.

I've always dreaded for February to come around cause it'll mean that I'm going to be getting older and I always hated that. For some reason, this year it's different; I'm not scared of growing older and to be honest I'm excited to start a new chapter in my life.

untitled.

life's a bitch cause if life was a slut, it'd be easy.

Fuck. Exactly one more week until I'm 19.

hurt

I'm not even going to bother going on & on about how it's been these past few days with us cause to be honest I'm just tired of it.

You know what I miss though? I miss the simple days, back in the beginning where there were no fights and no any other bullshit involved. Yeah, those days were fun. Now it's just like arguments everyday or where we're just 'fucking' with each other the whole time.

I want those better days back.

FUCK YOU ASSHOLE.

I'm done crying over you. Fuck. Don't come saying you love me and shit when we both know you don't want ME to be in your life.

Fuck you and your bullshit lies.

surprises

I didn't expect that you would remember & I defiantly didn't expect you to keep your promise.

I know how you wanted to keep it a surprise, but can you understand that she was looking out for my best interest & she didn't want to see me hurt again. I'm sorry that I overreacted & that I lashed out on you. I'm sorry that you had to see me like that & I'm sorry that I broke down & left you to pick up the pieces.

I haven't been much of a friend to you lately & I was surprised that you would actually be there for me today. I wish I can make up for all the things I've said to you in the past & I wish I was a better friend to you.

I don't want to make any empty promises to you cause that wouldn't be fair. But thank you for 姆姆 even though you shouldn't really have & that really meant a lot to me knowing that you actually remembered.

姆姆

Cutie;


$160. Thanks for 姆姆 (:

end of forever

Do you remember what today is? I do & it makes me sad that you're not even speaking to me, but if you want to stay angry with me then I don't think there is much I can do.

So I've come to the realization today that I don't need to you in my life to be happy. & for the first time since we've been apart, I didn't cry over you. I like this new feeling where I don't have to depend on you to be happy & I can just finally BREATHE again without any worries.

You know what I regret though? I never really opened up myself to you, nor was I truly myself with you & I think we would've been amazing together. & now when I'm finally ready, you push me away, but that's okay though. If you don't want my love & affection then I won't waste them on you. Time to move on, right?

Even though we didn't have that much time together, I still was glad to have you in my life for that short time. Thanks for being my friend and thanks for the memories !

GOALS to reach (:

• work hard for those abs!
• no more junk food. & eat right.
• try not to slack off.
• find a gym near home & enroll.
• actually go to the gym and workout.
• save money!
• tell mom&dad about school. . -_-........

Can't wait to get my life straight again !

Stupid;

Yeah, I'm so fucking stupid sometimes. I should've told you what was bugging me instead of coming straight out and calling you a liar.

But fuck, I was so mad and angry. -_- And then you started yelling at me and I couldn't take you any longer so I hung up. I should not have done that.

I mean I wanted to fucking talk to you about this for days now and when I finally had my chance, I fuck up. Like always.

When it comes to you, it seems I fuck up a lot. Maybe that's a sign. Who knows.

But I fucking hate waiting for you; always like this. And I don't want to go to bed knowing that we are both so mad with each other. I hope that you call me back soon or something. At least give me something .. I hate waiting. -_-

You're cute

I love how you only talk to me when you want to and never when I want to. How long do I have to wait for you to come around cause it's always like this. And seriously I'm tired of this, so you can cut the bullshit.

What is with all this avoiding and ignoring? Fucking man up and deal with this shit.

So wanna know what I heard today? You can't even live up to liking me right? Well guess what, I'm starting to think that is exactly how you feel. I mean the way your acting now just explains it clearly, doesn't it?

The least you can do is pick up your phone or even text me back cause I hate waiting for you. It's always like this and I'm sick and tired of it. You owe me an explanation and I'm looking forward to see what excuses you come up with this time.

To be honest, I sometimes wish you didn't come up and talk to me that day. Then it wouldn't have been like this and maybe we could've still been friends.

expectations

Don't expect anything from anyone cause expectations hurt and when you don't expect, every moment is a surprise and every surprise brings happiness.

Moving forward.

Obligations

We're not together anymore. You don't have to spend time with me just because you feel that you are obligated to. I don't want you to be doing something you don't want to. And I don't want to feel like ..this.

I'm at a point where I don't know what to do. I don't want to live everyday like this; me crying over you. Seriously there hasn't been a day since we've been apart have I not cried over you. And I fucking hate feeling this way. While you on the other hand seems to be doing perfectly fine without me.

I don't even know what to say to you anymore. I don't even know how to talk to you anymore. And I don't even know what we are anymore.

So what do I do? Do I just move on? Because it seems like you are doing exactly that and even though you may say you're not, I feel that our relationship has drifted apart. Yeah, it's my fault that I pushed you away and now you're not willing to open up to me that easily.

I'm not sure where to go from here.

Frantic;

That's how I've been feeling these past few days. Frantic. It's because we're no longer together and I feel that no matter what I say, it's not going to change that fact that your not coming back. And even though you may say you love me and all that, I feel I somehow lost you.

I feel empty.

Fashionista;

Went window shopping with Mac after school today and we must've walked twenty blocks -_-.. from 7th ave to 5th ave and all the way down Madison Ave.

But it was fun ! We were both looking for inspiration; him for the fashion show and me for design class. The Louis Vuitton store blew me away and even though I passed by it many times, it was my first time actually being inside it. Just wow..

So.. made up my mind and decided to go with something elegant with bodied fabrics, in an array of pearly roses and creamy beiges. And with some hints of pearls, sequins, and ribbons. The clothes will, in a way, be dressed up from decades passed, giving them a dainty and elegant feeling.

I'm really excited to start working on it, and I've been deciding lately if I should change my major to fashion design. But seriously, I can't really imagine myself as a fashion designer. But who knows.. I don't even know what I want to do anymore. -_-.

I FUCKING. HATE. HER. -____________________________-.

I want out. Don't even fucking care anymore. Fucking bitch. Fuck off and leave me alone. -__-. I don't fucking need you to tell me what to do all the fucking time. I'm fucking EIGHT-TEEN. NOT SOME EIGHT YEAR OLD KID ANYMORE.

God. Fuck you.

I'm miles from where you are, I lay down on the cold ground, I pray that something picks me up. And sets me down in your warm arms

Nothing in this world that is worth having comes easy .

Do you remember when you asked me how long it would take for me to get over you if we were to break up? At that time I didn't think much about it, probably because I thought that the day would never come.

But it has.. well sort of. We're in the "I-don't-know-what-to-do-about-us" phase right now and I guess I'm the one at fault here.

I value our relationship and I don't want to throw it away like it was nothing. I said some things that I shouldn't have and I cannot apologize anymore for them. I didn't think anything over and made a rash decision.

I don't know what I can do to make things better, but I'm asking you for forgiveness. I'm asking you, if you are willing to put your heart out there for me. And I'm asking if you are willing to trust me again and let me in.

I want to make things right and I want to mend your broken heart. So please let me back in again and I promise I wouldn't do anything to hurt you ever again.

I love you and you mean so much to me. I hope that you can find it somewhere in your heart to still love me. I'm not willing to let you go and I'm not willing to let us be over just like that.

I'm willing to fight for your love. I just hope you are too.

PS: I'm watching Heroes and it makes me feel a little closer to you knowing that you'll be watching it later.

Funny;

Him: How are you?
Me: I'm good...
Him: You sure? You don't look alright.
Me: -laughs- Yeah, I'm good. I'm okay.
Him: What's wrong?
Me: -surprised- Nothing.. just stuff lately.
Him: Is someone bothering you?
Me: No. Not really.
Him: Long day at work?
Me: Nono. I don't work.

He gave up after that.. when I refused to say anything else. But he was nice and treated me to a soda.

It's funny how a stranger can see how upset I am.. and yet you..
you don't see how much I'm hurting..

Nothing in this world that is worth having comes easy .

Ugh.

Sleepless night; my eyes hurt. -_-; Finally managed to get some sleep in the early morning and unfortunately I dreamed about you.. leaving me for her.

God. When will this be over?-________- Stupid. All my fault.

Seriously . Fuck my life.

Dear John,

It's 5:30am and I can't sleep mainly because you're on my mind. I can't stop thinking about everything that happened today. It was my fault and I know that I bought it on myself. I shouldn't have avoided confrontation. Can you tell I'm really bad at that?

I love you and there are no doubts about that. I'm just wondering if your doubting your love for me. Maybe I shouldn't have said that considering how I broke your heart when I decided that we shouldn't be together.

But I hated how you ignored me when I really wanted to talk things out with you. I hated that and even though I did all these things, I don't think I deserved that.

And I hated how it seemed like you really want this. I'm not really sure and I still don't know right now. Do you want us to be over? I know that I don't and I know how I feel.

I shouldn't have bought up "breaking up" to you cause those words shouldn't have been spoken so lightly. I know that now and I wish that I can take them back.

I don't know how you're feeling right now and I guess that drives me crazy. But you need time to think these things over and I don't want to push you away.

But your giving me this little funny feeling that somehow we're not going to end up back together. I don't know.

All I'm asking for right now is for forgiveness; and for you to remember and keep your promise that you made to just a few days ago.

I .

Don't.

Know.

Anymore.

I overreacted when I saw that and at that moment I realized that how selfish I was being.

Foolish;

I knew from the beginning that you wouldn't ever really love me. I don't understand why I would do that to myself; I guess it's because I wanted to know what it was like being with you.

And I knew that I would fall so hard for you. I think you won me over since day once cause truly there's been no other boy that's ever made me feel the way you do.

Thank you for the wonderful memories. I won't forget them and I hope you don't either. Maybe one day you'll look back and think about me. Cause I know you'll be in my thoughts a lot in the times to come.

You'll always have a special place in my heart. ~

I can't cry .. mainly because it hasn't hit me yet. But also because I know that once I start crying I wouldn't be able to stop.. not until there are no more tears left.

I'm sorry about everything; I should've said something sooner but I guess I was selfish and I wanted you for myself. But I knew that deep down you wouldn't ever be mine.. and I guess today I woke up and I didn't want to be apart of this.

I know that your not happy being with me and I don't want to continue this. I hope that you can be with the one you truly love and I hope that you two will be happy together.

I hope that she takes you back because it's so very obvious that you two belong together. We don't.

12.25.09 ~ 01.17.10 ; thank you for the wonderful times. It'll always be in my heart. You'll always be in my heart.

Memories;

I don't think I ever really loved you; how could I?

I'll admit there were days when I thought you were the one; my one love. But now as I look back I realize that I deserve so much more than you.

It was one sided; my love and affection. You didn't feel that way towards me and even though you may say you love me, I know that you truly don't.

I should've realized that a long time ago because I know how much time and heartbreak it would've saved me. But it's okay.

I don't regret anything.

Our memories will always be with me and I'll always remember our days together. But I really do think it's best for us if we remain as friends. I think that's the only way; because I know that we will always end up hurting each other if our relationship develops into something more.

It's time that I finally move on and I have. I like my life right now; and I have someone wonderful in my life. I don't need you ruining that for me. I don't love you and you don't love me; at least not like that. And that's exactly how I want this to be.

And in the end, thank you for being my friend throughout these past six years.

8282;

I think I need to change my time schedule and stop sleeping at 6am everyday. -_-; Everyday I go to sleep when the sun starts rising and wake up when it's dark outside. Sighs.

Picked up doggie collar from Cherry.. He texted me and asked me if he can see me. Decided to go since I was already in Main Street. Stupid. I shouldn't have.

I don't even know anymore.

I don't want to see him again. I don't want to talk to him again. I don't want to think about him again. I want to forgetforgetforget. Why is that so hard?

Foreign;

Why do you always do this to me? Why?

Sometimes I just want to go back; go back to a time where things were simple and where I wasn't an emotional wreck.

I know what I should do and I know I should move on but a part of me just can't let go because it's not that easy.

I think I'm always going to love you no matter how much you hurt me. It's always hard to forget your first, right? Well that's you.

I don't understand why you always have to come back to me just when I have finally gotten over you. To be honest, I would just like to forget everything. EVERYTHING.

Please don't say that you love me and miss me when I know how we're going to end up like. This always happens and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of you.

Stop playing with my heart like it's nothing cause there's only so much I can take.

God. Just leave me alone already.

Beastly;

Is it foolish of me to want my own happily ever after, because I know that it only happens in books and fairy tales. A part of me can't help but long for that feeling and I should know better to realize that it doesn't exist in real life.

I want that fairytale romance; too bad for me, cause it doesn't happen in reality.

PS: I should stop being so emotional. .

Life;

It's been years since I actually talked to him and I bumped into him at Main Street today. I was surprised to find how much he's changed since the last time we talked. I remember the last time we met; it was at Queens Center where he dragged me and Erika along to meet his boyfriend.

After that we rarely talked, both busy doing our own thing.

But he's doing really well today; he has a new job working in the EMS, going to school, and this and that. It made me feel sort of.. I don't know. But he seems so accomplished and I feel like I have nothing to show off for.

I don't know. I made so many bad choices in life.. I just wish I can go back and take them all back. Sighs.

Well went to look for a job today and applied at Red Mango for the 3rd time. -_-; Probably not going to get hired but whatever. Asked around Queens Crossing and Flushing Mall. . I don't even know where to look anymore. And I don't really want to work at a fast food place.. so I'm seriously debating if I should go to Queens Center and find. But I hate taking the train and traveling there ..

New fresh start; gotta think positive.

Decisions;

I can't say that I'm making the right choices right now, but I have to stick with what I believe in. It's my life and I'm going to live it the way I want it to be. Even though it might be hard for others to understand, I know that I'm going to be happy in the long run. And that's all I ever wanted.

I don't want to be stuck doing something that I know I won't be happy with. And if I don't do this right now, I know that one day I'm going to look back and regret it so much.

The Water Club;

When you get caught between the moon and New York City; I know it's crazy, but it's true. The best thing you can do is fall in love.

I don't think I've ever been to such an amazing place before. I remember stepping into the restaurant and the atmosphere changed. I felt like I was in a different time and place; it's hard to explain but I felt like I was in a movie and I was the leading actress.

The Maitre d' offered to take my coat and showed us to our seat in the main dinning room. I was blown away at once with the amazing view of the East River. It wasn't that late and the sun was still up, just starting to set. The sky was still a crystal blue and I sat at my table just watching the sky turn black against the lights of the city behind.

There was a man behind a piano near the front entrance playing an old song and he sang along as well. And I watched as an old couple sway softly to the music on the dance floor and it made me feel old. It's okay and I didn't mind that.

I liked that feeling. I liked the feeling that the restaurant gave me; it gave off an old vintage romantic feeling and I liked that.

And at that moment I truly felt like an adult and yeah, I know I'm young and all but I think it's time that I grew up. I shouldn't depend so heavily on other people because I have my whole life ahead of me and the only person that's going to make everything right is me.

I hated to think that I was getting older and with that there was bound to be loads of responsibilities placed on my shoulders. But right now, I'm not scared. To be honest I'm looking forward to it and I know that I'll make the best of it.

I thought about all those things that night at The Water Club and I guess it sort of change how I view certain things in my life.

I have a good life and even though things aren't going the way I want them to be, I'm still happy. And I know that if I try, I can make things better. A whole lot better; because that's part of growing up right?

DearJohn.

What does it mean to truly love another?

"Our relationship, I felt with a heaviness in my chest, was beginning to feel like the spinning movement of a child's top. When we were together, we had the power to keep it spinning, and the result was beauty and magic and an almost childlike sense of wonder; when we seperated, the spinning began inevitably to slow. We became wobbly and unstable, and I knew I had to find a way to keep us from toppling over"

Wishing that things were different ; but life is what you make of it.
Thank you Tony (:

you're being stupid. your standing up to a level that i thought you were better of. you're being immature. you're being ignorant.

I don't wanna tell you that I long to see your face
I'm scared it may scare you away
and I don't wanna tell you that sometimes I think of you and smile
cause time with you is time enough for now.

Fairy tales;

灰姑娘 & 白马王子

I should be old enough to know that happily ever afters only exist in fairy tales but whenever life gets the best of me, I would always dream that one day my own Bai Ma Wang Zi would come swept me off my feet.

Because deep down every girl needs a little rescuing, right?

夠愛

夠愛<3

我穿越金星 木星 水星 火星 土星
土星追尋你 時間滴滴答滴答 答滴聲音

我的愛只能夠 讓你一個人獨自擁有。

Hi, you've been so amazing to me.

Fortitudinous - having strength of mind that enables one to endure adversity with courage.

I think today is the first day in this new year where nothing has gone wrong and it's been a good day.

Gmarket love.

Exactly one more month until I am 19.
Fuck -__________-.

Went to get haircut today cause my bangs were getting long and didn't really look like bangs anymore. I once tried cutting them myself and it ended up looking so horrible; never cutting my own hair again. So I went to Main st. and the ah yi at the salon cut it for me and it looks okay.

Again went to Queens Crossing [my new home now] and bought some yummy bread from Paris Baguette. Saw Junie there and she was with her new boyfriend Jimmy. . .the boy she's been in love with since middle school.

It amazes me how they are together now after all these years and I don't even know why she's with him. He hurt her so many times before and was always a jerk to her, but now they are together. I know they have a lot of problems, but I'm happy for her because she is finally with the guy she loves even though they face so many problems.

Sighs.. not much happened today. & just feeling a little depressed because it's almost my birthday and stuff that's been happening lately. -____________________- SIGH.

我要幸福。。。

Jessey, stop being so emotional and think rationally for once in your life.

我心好痛好痛。

Jessey, stop being so emotional and think rationally for once in your life.

Yeah. I think I'll do just that.

You did not call me last night even though I told you that I desperately needed to talk to you; I mean I understand your busy with everything but you could have at least sent a text or something. I waited for you; until I can no longer stand it and do you know how it feels like to wait for someone?

Probably not. Well I waited until the early bits of morning until I finally fell asleep when realization dawned on me that you were never going to call.

What's your excuse this time?

What's more is that I really did needed you yesterday but I guess you couldn't come through for me. Oh you know, me, the girl you supposedly love?

------------------------------x.

This has been wrong from the beginning and I was too stupid to let go. Yeah I knew how this, our relationship was going to end up but I didn't want to pull away.

Maybe I should have because right now I am real tired of everything, all this bullshit that I did not ask for.

Can you just be honest with me for once and not cover up all your shit with bunch of lies. I wish you would be honest with me even if the truth may hurt, but guess what? I'm a big girl and I can take it okay.

I mean if we can't be boyfriend/girlfriend, the least we can be are friends right? Or is that too much of me to ask?

Bullshit.

Hi, I'm tired of hearing all this bullshit from you and I am tired of hearing lies after lies. You know what they say actions are stronger than words.

I'm fucking tired of assholes like you and personally I wish that you did not even start talking to me in the first place.

I am sick and tired of this shit that I never wanted in the first place.

Fuck up.

Fucking bitch, yeah I know you talk mad shit about me but you can't even say it to me face to face? What the fuck did I ever do to you huh? Is it my fucking fault for liking your EX boyfriend?

Shit if you want to say stuff about me say it to my face and stop hiding it. I'm not fucking stupid and words do spread around.

I fucking hate people who say shit about someone behind their backs, but are too SCARED to say it to their face. Bitch, if you have something to say about me, come out and say it.

Fuck, you want to talk about how I look? Look at yourself first before you start saying shit. Yeah I have moles, SO WHAT. You don't see me going around making fun of how you fucking look like. Yeah I know I'm not the prettiest girl around, but guess what bitch? You'll never be prettier than me.

And I'm fucking rude? Girl, do you even know me? Yeah we may have spoken once or twice but don't go around saying I'm fucking this and that when we haven't even had one full conversation.

Fucking dumbass bitch, it's okay though cause if I were you, I'd be jealous of me too.

----------------------------------------------x

Calmed down more, but seriously I don't understand what this girls problem is. I never said anything bad to her or about her and out of nowhere I start hearing all these stuff that she's been saying about ME. What the fuck?

What pisses me off more is that I cannot go straight up to her and BITCH cause that's exactly what I want to do. But I can't because it's going to make me seem like a total bitch for cussing and shit at this girl for no apparent reason.

Haha, this makes me feel like I'm back in high school again dealing with stupid JEALOUS bitches like her.

Fuck up.

Being in a fucking relationship has been more complicated then I thought it would. All I wanted was a simple I love you & you love me romance and instead I come face to face with all this shit.

What the fuck. -_-;

Is it wrong of me to actually fucking like you? Because it sure seems that way and at this point I don't even know what to say.

(: good day.

Steven drove me to Bay Terrace since I had to go to Barnes & Nobles and we stayed for a little bit. I was looking for this book Beastly ; a retelling story of Beauty & the Beast but they only had it in hard cover, so I decided to just use my gift card and order it online.

Stopped at Starbucks and ordered Iced Caramel Macchiato. Yum. When I was ordering I accidentally pronounced Macchiato as "ma qi dou". Lmao. Been watching too much Brown Sugar Macchiato lately. -_-; So the guy gave me a face and I couldn't stop laughing even though he probably thought I was a fucking dumbass.

We ended up driving back to Main Street and decided to stop at Queens Crossing before he had to go to work. I was saying how I never been to Rose House even though it's been there the whole time so we ended up getting Tea there. We had the Moroccan Mint Tea & Classic Rose Cake with rose syrup and it was really good; no wonder it is so expensive!

Steven had to leave for work and ditched me. -__-; But it's okay cause I ended up meeting up with Jennifer at Queens Crossing; she was with her boyfriend who left after awhile so we decided to walk home. But we passed by busy mall and I decided I wanted to get something pierced. So we went in and I repierced tragus and afterward I couldn't stop screaming cause it hurt like a bitch; it is still red and THROBBING now. And now I know why I spend 60$ on it last time.

We were going to walk home but it was so fucking cold and windy. I swear I was going to get frostbite since I was only wearing leggings. We were walking and couldn't stop screaming and giggling since the wind was so strong. I swear I almost got knocked off my feet by the wind so I got fed up and decided to ask daddy to pick us up.

He's so sweet sometimes. He was working and on call but he still came to pick us up and even drove us all the way down Northern Blvd to get my favoirte Halal food cause I was still hungry. So we got the food and was on the way home and I couldn't stop whinning and complaining about how cold my legs were. -_-;

Me: FUUUUUUUUCK MY LIFEEEEEEEEE.
Daddy: Yeah, fuck your life.
Lmao. I love my dad so much sometimes.

We got home and I crashed at Jen's and her sister was there since she came back for the holidays. Haha so the three of us ended up watching "The Fake Fiance" and I had fun (: Oh and I am offically addicted to shopping on soompi again. -_-; Took a peak in Jennifer's closet and I swear she had the nicest accessories ever and guess where she got them at? SOOMPI. God. I'm probably going to end up spending all my Christmas money on clothes.. again.

So..it's only been the second day into the new year so far and I have to say my life is actually pretty good and I'm happy okay with the way things are.

PS: Lesson learned; NEVER EVER wear leggings on a cold windy day no matter how good it looks with outfit.

Because connecting with another human being is amazing.

baby;

There are so many things I want to tell you but I don't know how to come out and say it. For some reason I feel that we've sort of drifted apart a bit and I don't like this funny feeling.

Maybe it's just me. I don't know but I hate feeling this way because I don't want to let you go.

I feel like I kind of messed up by making our conversations all awkward and I'm sorry, but I'll try real hard to hold onto you.

2am;

I can't sleep.

It's 2am January 1st and I can't sleep even though I'm really tired.