If it's anything you've taught me, it's that life isn't a fairytale, or like any of the dramas that I watch. I shouldn't be basing everything off that and being with you these months have set me to reality. But even now, I still couldn't stop hoping for a happy ending with us or wishing for things to work out.

I'm too emotional but somewhere inside of me there's still that little girl who wants nothing more than the happily ever after.

Lols, I bet you forgot all about me...UGH, I'm going crazy over missing you. Do you ever think about me? Wonder how I'm doing? Miss me? NO! And that's why life's a bitch. I think about you all the time, missing you all the time. But you're perfectly fine, 'doing you'. LOL -_-. Fuck that. Fuck you. FUCK EVERYTHING!

One last time.

There's this song I used to listen to a lot, I'd have it replay over and over again. I listened to that song when we first started talking and listening to it now, brings it all back. Not just the memories, but the feelings, everything.

No one will understand how I truly felt, but I've always really wish we can just go back to those days. But the past is the past. No matter how much I want it to happen, it's not gonna. It's like one of those, once in a life chances or whatever.

But I'm gonna let the past be the past. It really makes me.. I don't know. Not sad, but more like bittersweet. Cause Nov-Dec 09 was the happiest I've been in a long long long time. But those days are over.

And I'm moving on. Tomorrow is a new beginning.

GOODBYE, I'M GONNA BE FREE (:

I dreamed about you.. apparently I wrote you a letter and you read it, and you got back to me.. and I got all happy. Then I woke up and realized that it was a dream. I was even all smiling and laughing my dream...

DEARJAWN;

It's been seven days since you told me that you wanted time to clear your head. 4 days since you told me to stay the fuck away. But ever since then, you've been on my mind 24/7. I'm losing my fucking mind over you.

It's driving me crazy. I'm sorry for what I did, will you at least hear me out? I don't want Friday night to be the last time we ever talk. I hate being this pathetic, this weak and everything, but I want to say GOODBYE to you. Do you get it?

You were my everything and now I want to say BYE. Can I at least get that? Why do you have to do this to me, making it so hard. I hate your silent treatment.

The easiest way for me to get over you, and for me not to annoy you and shit is just for you to tell me how you fucking feel about me. I need to hear it..

I think that's the only way I can get the fuck over this. I'm pretty sure you don't want anything to do with me, but if you want to completely erase me and for me to never appear in your life again then this is what you have to do.

You're strong willed and so am I. You have enough willpower to ignore me and I have enough willpower to keep trying. Fuck I FUCKING HATE MYSELF AND I DON'T KNOW WTF IS WRONG WITH ME. I seriously need to get the fuck over you.

But I love you! Stupid idiot, why can't you see that and why can't you care enough to do something about it. But it's whatevers. I need to FORGET ABOUT YOU. So help me out here, will ya. By ignoring me is just making it worse. -_-

I'm sitting here sick to my stomach just thinking about everything. I'm tired of writing about how I feel in hopes that you might read these and care enough to pick up your phone and just call me to see how I am.

I'm tired of everything. I hate being such a emo bitch. But I just want to be able to breathe again.

How can you just do this? I know what I did was wrong and I made it worse by lying to you, but you just choose to shut me out and that just makes me sick to my stomach. I knew I never meant much to you, but after all that we've been through you just don't want to hear it.

And what hurts the most is that knowing you're just fine while this is really killing me. Every day it just gets worse and worse for me and I have no idea how to go on anymore. I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOU. Do you get it? I don't want you back, but it's the fact that I need some closure from you.

Why can't you give me that? Why do you just chose to ignore me and pretend that I don't exist. What do you gain from that anyways? Every day I feel like I'm dying more and more and I don't know what to do.

Can't you see that you're the one to fix this cause I want to live. I want to get on with my life and only YOU can help me with that..

And even if I am the last person you wish to speak to, you can't just do this to me....... What am I supposed to do? How can I live like this?

Maybe if I close my eyes, it'll all be over.

I've been talking to a lot of people lately; I mean that's what you do right? You get lonely, you get bored, so you go and find yourself some company.

All of the talking made me realize something. Everyone, they all have someone to go to at the end of the day. Someone to talk to before they fall asleep, someone to share all their secrets with, someone who makes them feel right at home.

You were that for me. I was never close with anyone else before. I never let anyone else in cause honestly I never wanted to talk about myself. I don't like talking about myself, but when it comes to you I want to tell you everything.

You're my best friend. Maybe it's easy for you to get close to someone and let them in. I mean you have all these other best friends and everything, but best friends doesn't come easily for me.

How do someone deal when they lose their best friend. Someone they've been so close with. Someone I've been so close with, but now you don't even want to talk to me and you want me out of your life.

I lied to you and went behind your back and called up another guy. I feel horrible and there's no other way to explain it. But that phone call meant nothing to me, he means nothing to me. It doesn't matter anymore.

What matters to me right now is I lost my best friend. The person I felt the most comfortable with. The person that I want to come home to at the end of the day. The person I felt safe with. The person that I truly loved. Why can't you see all of that?

No one seems to get it. Not even you. You choose to shut me out of your life. I just don't know... I just feel so all alone and even though I have a whole bunch of people talking to me it's just not there. Not the same. Never going to be the same.. I just feel so empty.. and that it's never gonna be the same again..

I can't do this. I can't do this again. Have you walk out of my life again. But it's happening all over again and I feel like I'm drowning. And only you can help me reach the surface.

But you don't care to want to help me. I feel desperate, hurt and most of lonely. I just wish someone would hold me but who will understand? Who will care enough to be here for me?

I can just.. feel what's gonna happen next. And all I can do is just sit here and watch that happen. I can't and I don't have the strength to do that. I just want to.. go.. before that even happens. But I don't know how.

I don't know anything anymore. All I know is that my heart hurts. My whole entire being hurts. My soul hurts.

Maybe you'll find your way to this & maybe you won't

We're fighting again and it's no surprise there. And like usual you're ignoring me while I'm bombarding your phone with numerous calls, but in a way I can understand. I know how pissed off I can get you and how annoyed you can get with me and I guess I'll leave you alone.

But I just want to say that I'm truly sorry for everything. Oh it just kills me to know that I make you so miserable; the most you've ever been in your life. I want nothing more than to make you feel like the happiest guy alive but I don't know how. Most of the time, I'm so crazy worrying over the fact that I might lose you. So I try to keep you 'locked up' to stay with me and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for making you feel that way. I guess it's cause it's happened before and I know how it feels like when you walk out of my life and I don't want that to happen ever again. I don't seem to realize the more pushy I'm being, the more I'm losing you.

I guess it back fired, huh?

You know that when we first met and when we first started talking, you made me the happiest girl ever. I never felt that way with anyone else before and it scared me cause you had no idea by just saying a few words to me, you got my whole heart in the palm of your hand. You could shatter when and however you want and I was so scared to let you in.

Guess if I knew what was going to happen between us, I wouldn't have been so scared back then.

But my point is, I loved the attention that you gave me before and you bought me on a whole new level. And these past months, I've been wanting nothing more than to have that back. It drives me nuts cause how do I get you back? I'm always worrying over things and I don't know how to keep these fear and doubts away.

I really wish I can stop being so miserable and just go with the flow. I guess it's safe to say that I do tend to be more emotional than rational.

Maybe we spend too much time together and that's why this happened. I mean that's why I suggested we not talk to each other for awhile and see how things go from there, but you have no idea how hard it is going to be for me.

To be honest, I don't even know if I can live without you. I hate admitting that and I hate being so dependent on you. Going three days without talking to you just made me so much more damn miserable and I have no idea how I can go even a month without you. It's so unhealthy, I know but you can be fine -in fact, I think you'll actually like- being without me, but I'm not.

And that's another I don't like; you have all the power in this relationship and I hate it. For once I just wish you can just listen to me without questioning me and just go with it.

I don't know. We're not even in a relationship and look at all our problems. Well actually my problems with us.

But simply put, I just want us to go back to November; that week before Thanksgiving where we first started talking. And yeah I know exactly how many other girls you were talking to back then -_- but I would like to fall in love with you all over again...

WHERE THIS TIME MAYBE YOU'D BE IN LOVE WITH ME TOO.

P.S. : We don't have to be together 24/7 and I don't mind if you go out with your friends but I would just like to know that at the end of the day, I'll have you with me and where we can have some alone time. Just you & me; nothing else. NO MUSIC, NO WOW, NO COMPUTER.

& I'm sorry if that's too much for me to ask for but that's all I've wanted for months now.

8 Months; almost since I first met you. You thought I was someone that I'm not and I guess that's the only reason you first talked to me anyways.

Everything was so wrong and nothing ever made sense with us. There's no use looking back and thinking about what went wrong anymore.

I guess this really is for the better.. but I just wish there was some way I can cope with this.