:] bebe took me to get nails done, so cute ~!! ^^

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Love the ones who care about you & forget the ones that don't.

Tonight was amazing (:
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Hahaha it's always " I HAVE TO GO OUT " . Right.

I'm tired of being lied to & I'm tired of bullshit. Fuck all of that shit. I really don't care anymore. Lmao.

Kay gonna go get ready & then Harvest Buffet for Simon's birthday. DK is treating us ! ;D 30$+tips per person tonight.. & he's gonna pay for all 16 of us . LOL .

Then partyyyyyyy at monster. Yupyup gonna be a good night.

Difference between need and want.

The first thing that crossed my mind was how much I wanted to hear your voice and how much I wanted I wanted you to just hold me and make things right.

I held back my tears. I didn't wanna break down.

And as the night progressed I realize I'm gonna be okay. Everythings gonna be okay.

I didn't need you. And in a moment of weakness, I wanted you to be here for me but its okay.

You're not in my life anymore. Things are just the way they are. I'm accepting that fact and its okay.
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Stayed up till 3 with Junie & then Jen called at 5am. LOL. The three of us were on the phone till almost 10 in the morning! Hahaha.

We all fell asleep =_= woke up to my phone getting blown up -_- & after June left in the morning, I went & got ready. I love how lots of stores were open even tho it was Thanksgiving. Ended up going to Weston's for hotpot, most people there I knew. Yay. Haha was chilling with the boys & we were playing Halo. LOL.

Didn't stay long tho cause I was feeling sleepy, so I just got home & talking to Jon. I'm like "how are you?" & he goes "good, but better if you were in my life more"

Lol, this boy -__-. Whatevers. EXCITED FOR TOMORROW! ;D
Temple in the early morning & clubbing with the gfs. Can't to get all dressed up; yessssssss.

Junies coming over and she's gonna spend the night even tho my parents hate her! Rofls.
Staying home tomorrow.
Temple in the morning and clubbing later on friday.
I'm ready for a uhhhmazing weekend!
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Endometriosis

i've always known there was something wrong with me, but i didn't know i was this messed up..

basically endometriosis is where tissues and cells that grow in the uterus are found outside the uterus and around that area. i don't know..

i went to the doctors today to get pain killers cause i've had cramp like pain even though i wasn't on my period. he referred me to the ob/gyn next door and i got a pelvic exam and a ultrasound.

imagine how i was feeling laying on this.. table with my legs spread out and some doctor poking around. fuck, i've never felt so naked before.

but what she found was that i most likely have endometriosis and these pains that i'm getting can mean that i have cysts in my ovary(s). she can't confirm it and has to wait on the blood taste. the only reason why my doctor never diagnose it is because you can only confirm this with laproscopic surgery.

honestly i don't know what to think. i mean my periods have always been irregular and i've always had really bad stomach cramps. but i didn't think it was this bad, but i should have known. i mean there were days where i was just unable to do anything expect lay in bed curled up waiting for the pain to be over. and it wasn't just in my stomach area, it went from my back all the way down to my thighs.

and so, i have an appointment friday at flushing hospital to get a x-ray to see if i do have ovarian cysts. in some cases i can live with the cysts in my ovary but in other, i might need surgery.

she said that i will probably never have kids and i'll mostly likely have surgery.

i don't know how to take in all of these information in.

Oh dear gosh. I found this.. on my old phone. Lols wow. Don't even remember how old I was.
So I slept for a few hrs & now I can't fall asleep. It's so dark outside & so hold, but I'm gonna go back into bed & wrap myself up in my blanket & watch Dexter & fall asleep (:

My tummy hurts so bad. I hate these stupid cramps and I'm soooooo cold!

Made myself warm milk with an egg in it & it's so yummy. Gonna go to doctors tomorrow & Bobo promised he'd make me some soup , yay (:

& I wanna watch Due Date & Morning Glory!

this is going to be one long winter, but i swear i'm locking away the memories of you & me. i don't know why i keep thinking about when we first met & started talking.

i was in love, but idk about you; you were too but just not with me. it's okay. i remember playing omgpop with you & your stupid forum. talking to you on msn, texting you while walking my dog. you calling me with your number blocked, & the first time i heard your voice.

but the thing i remembered most was falling asleep on the phone with you; i've never been able to be that comfortable with someone & i remember you had that one song playing "if i ain't got you" in the background & all i can think was how safe & sound i felt with you.

i was head over heels, but you were the player, strumming me alone. oh i knew it wasn't real, but i wanted it to be. i made up excuses even though things just didn't seem right.

i always felt that you were just too good to be true and even though i knew you were a player & i was just some girl to you, you made everything felt so real.

but it wasn't & i realized that way too late.

& so .. there will always be guys, but there is only one love & i just haven't found mines yet. but it's okay.

i'm okay with that cause i don't want any games. i want the real thing. & honestly i'm not looking for love.

i'm gonna live my life to the fullest & lock away memories of you & forget about the past. & i'm gonna be okay.

When we first started going out I knew it wasnt right
You always made me feel like I was too afraid to try
And now it seems that in the end you want to start a fight
And I can’t take it no more
I’m getting sick and tired

You used to really love me
Now you can’t look me in the eye
And all these tears are pouring
It flood my eyes

And I won’t take any of your lies
Wastin’ all of my time
Seems you're never satisfied

Cecilia - Beg

Texting Jen&June & they both want to set me up with someone >.< Lol.. Excited for Jen to come back to NY in like two weeks? & I'm kind of looking forward to the Christmas break. Mmmh, idks tho. One day at a time right?

Tomorrow gonna;
- wake up at 7
- jog for an hour
- shower, eat & g'ready
- class at 9-1
- eat with june & yvonne
- home
- walk dog & jog for another hr.
- shower & sleep

Gonna go watch Grey's Anatomy on ipod & sleep!

Woke up this morning and was just laying in bed staring into space thinking about stuff and my mom walks in, sees me and says,

"Are you thinking about him again? You need to stop; you've never met him before, never talked to him, seen him. You don't know what he's like. Stop putting your life on hold. You have to go live your life, meet new people and think about the future."

....

Great. That got me about to break down again. But I just can't.

But on another note, today was good. Woke up & got a new hair cute ;D yayy it's short again & idkwhy but i always looked better with short hair.

Haha, then met up with Vu at Main ; wow I haven't seen him in more than a year, LOL. But it was fun, catching up with him & omgosh; so we got to Serendipity and we were hungry so we ended up ordering this freaking 12inch look HOTDOG. LMAOOOOOOOO -_-

Ahaha lovelove serendipity & then we ordered frozen hot chocolate, omgosh, lovelovelove

Afterwards we went to Times Square, ughh I swear I go there too effing much. But it was nice, ahaha. He makes me laugh like crazy & it's all fun. Catching up with him & him cheering me up & shit, haha. It was niceee & oh I got this cute uhm, eyeshadow set thingy from Sephora , yayy. It's so pretty. It's really cute; well the box is ;D & it's purple & gold

Came back to main street at 5ish & he went home & I went to temple.

All I can say is praying.. makes me feel better. And after talking to the grandma there.. idk, it just makes me feel so at peace & she definitely helps me set my head straight.

Overall, today was fun & honesty I was scared to like start talking to all of my friends again & shit cause I've always ignored them & stuff. & I thought it'd be hard, but it's not. It just feels like we just pick up right where we left off.

& it feels really goood. (:

Haha, today was actually pretty good.

Didn't sleep till 2, gosh yesterday was fucking -_-. Called up GG & I was such a mess, blahhhh. It was like 3am but he came, took me to his place & I got cleaned up & we had a longlong talk & drove me homee. Lols, I felt bad cause I woke him & his gf up T__T.

Woke up today & got ready to go to Monster. Met up with GG & bought me Red Mango & went to QC to meet up with Junie&Alicia. Yayyyyyyyy. Happyhappy. Haven't seen them in so longg.

So we went to Monster & met some new people; their all coool & saw DaK today & he's like "so you finally come out of your shell, hermit crab? " AHAHA, excuse me, my chinese isn't all that great anymore. But yeaaaaahhhhh, I miss those days, just chilling at Monster cause it's nice when your friends owns a KTV place, yaknow?

Didn't really get to catch up with anyone, but it's alll goood. It was so chill, cause me, Junie, Alicia & these two other girls; Candy & Yvonne were just at the bar drinking & bumping to the beat. Haha, & my first time trying frozen jello shots & they're so yummyyyyyyy<3

But it's bad when all you've got is alcohol in your system =____=. My stomach was seriously killling meee & I swear I was about to throw up. Ahaha, ended up getting soo hungry, so I ended up walking with this guy I met, Zaizai? around main street to find something to eat. I love Flushinggggggg ! Cause even tho, it was 12am it still felt safe to walk around the streets & there were still mad stores open. But street food are the best ! Got some dumping & these pork buns. Yumyum.

& plus the company wasn't so bad either (: Ahaha, think he knew Weston back from Astoria or something, idk. I forgot, but he was cuteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Too bad his English so bad cause it was mad funny. Me with my eff'ed up Mandarin & him with his English, ahahhaa. Cutecute (: got me gigglin' all nightt. Hehehehe.

Got home just now & I'm tiredddddd! & been texting Jen all day; haha. She msg'ed on tumblr & guess we're talking again. Can't complain about that cause I missed her!

& got Vu's number from Breon & tomorrow we're going to Serendipity 3 & I'm gonna pop his frozen hot sundae cherry! Haha, I felt so bad for ignoring him all those times & so I'm making it to him by treating him out to lunch.

& the way I see it, I'm not going to let some guy ruin my life. I mean, why should I care if he doesn't care & I'm sure he's pretty happy right now & you know what? I'm fine. I'm okay with it. & besides I'm not going to let some guy bring me down anymore; I mean his opinions used to matter so much to me that it lead to the fact that I stopped talking to all my friends just cause they were guys. Yeah, I have mostly guy friends, but so what? Ahaha, who the fuck cares, man.

Kay waiting for Bobo to call, then sleeeeeeeeeeepy time. Gotta get up super early cause I need a haircut! & then lunchdate with Vu & then templeeeee. Temples gonna be so much fun! & get to see Flers & Benson, yayyyyy!<3

Life isn't going to be so bad after all & I'm happy. (:

Big geigei treated me to Red Mango; nothing makes me smile more than walking down Main eating my Red Mango on a cold windy day ~

Offf to Monster; yesss IloveNYC (:
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You're a fucking idiot. I'm a fucking idiot too. We both are.

Let's be real here; you never wanted to be with me cause simply put if you did, we would have been long time ago.

But you kept me strumming along all this time and I didn't know what to think. All these months, I settled for the next best thing; which was spending all those time with you.

I wasn't happy. You weren't either.

Cause obviously I would get jealous, and I would bitch cause I wanted you all to myself and you didn't want to be tied down at all.

Fuck you & you're mixed signals. That night when you left back in July, you told me you "loved" me, while knowing that I lied to you. And even when we started talking again you told me you didn't want to go back or be in a relationship "not now, but maybe later"

So I settled.

Fuck that shit. See today seeing, all those lovely screen shots just made me sick to my stomach cause those are the things I want for you & I. It made me realize that you weren't going to ever feel that way with me. I just wanted to cut off all ties with you cause I blamed myself; that I wasn't good enough.

Wrong.

Seeing that today made all of my emotions just exploded and I don't want to settle anymore. What pisses me off is that you're always acting all smug with me, but how is it that you're incapable of showing ME, any emotions?

When that was what I wanted from you all along.

It made me so sad and angry at the same time; and I didn't know what the fuck to do. You, of course got mad at me while I was thinking about you, and your damn happiness. And you couldn't even see that, cause you're always assuming that I'm assuming the worst out of you. While the truth is, I just wanted what was best for you.

But we always bring out the worst in each other.

You push me so far and in turn I push you back just as far. That's why you're only like that with me and that's why I'm only like this with you.

I've been struggling with my emotions all night and it feels like a damn roller coaster ride. In the end, I realized that the best thing for us was to just go our separate ways.

Things haven't been the same since July.

You changed and you left me and I think there will always be a part of me that will never forgive you for what you put me through. I went through some of the worst times of my life, begging you to come talk to me, but you stood there and just watched and did nothing.

Sad thing is, you don't even realize how much you've hurt me.

But in all honestly, I miss YOU so much and it really tears me apart knowing that you're so close but so far out of reach. I wish I would have done some things differently, but what's the point? We're at where we are now; there's not much to say, is there? This is how things are now and there's no use looking back.

There's only moving forward; you left a big hole in my heart and I'm still waiting for that void to be filled.

& life still goes on, with or without you.

I can't stop shaking.. maybe it's the cold. I don't know. But it's windy out tonight and I have no idea how long I've been sitting here underneath my favorite tree.

I have no more tears to cry. They're all gone, just like I feel I'm gone. I've been thinking a lot.. about everything..

But most of all I wonder.. why couldn't you have told me the truth from the beginning. Maybe it's just me, but I've never had my heartbroken this bad.

And the odd this is, I didn't do anything to you. I never hurt you in any way. Yes, I've lied, but I didn't cheat. I stress you out, but that was it.

You broke up with me to get back with her, and I should have known that was enough. But I was really stupid, cause I wanted more time with you knowing you'd probably break my heart.

But I never thought it would be this bad. I never thought it would leave me .. so empty.

Funny thing is, all I wanted was for you to show me some kind of emotion, but even till this day you couldn't. If you would have just shown me a shred of what you've .. shown her, I would have settled.

I would have settled for anything cause I always had some sort of hope or faith that things would work out in the end. That you would chase after me again and meet me halfway like you did before. So that I wouldn't feel so miserable and that somewhere along the line, you'd start to care about me again.

But that part of me is gone.. My hope and faith has faded and drifted away, leaving me here with this bitterness. I don't feel like I'm strong enough.

And I feel so alone..whose gonna understand me? Even I don't. Even I think I was stupid for caring about you and for staying so long.

Never once have you ever come chasing after me; I always did the hard work. Throwing away my pride cause in the end all that mattered was that I had you in my life.

You were my rock, the only solitude that I knew. I wanted to come running to you when I was having a bad day and you were the first person that I wanted to share something with when something good happened.

But I'm on my own now. And I feel so very alone. I don't want to go home. I can't. I can't bear to be in my room or apartment.

I just can't.
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My heart feels heavy, like there's a tons of brick laying down on me & it all I feel is this complete emptiness...

No regrets. That's how I'm going to live my life.

I look through this blog and it's full of memories of you. Did you know that it's been exactly one year since we've met? Shocking.. cause it really doesn't feel all that long.

There aren't enough words .. how do you describe how you feel when you see someone you truly love, love another? My heart feels like it'll never be whole again...

And I feel like I'm just filled with so much sadness. But this is life isn't it? You get up and you move on.

I should have done that a long time ago and let you go ...... but never in my life have I met someone like you.

I wish you would have paid that much attention to me, said those things to me, but in the end it doesn't matter. It will never be you and me.

It hurts, it really does. But I'm tired too.

I need a fresh start. Starting with this blog.. I don't want to be reminded again.. of this. Of you. But mostly all of my emotions and tears.

I don't hate you or resent you, cause you're human and you can't help what you feel. Just like how I can't help what I feel.

But I'm very tired.

I'm tried of all my efforts and love..for you. But I will learn and get up from this. And one day I'll get myself back as well.

& let this be a reminder to never trust or open my heart up so easily. Not everything is black and white. Stop and look around; everyone is selfish and is only looking out for themselves.

People come and go.. the only ones worth loving are the ones that stayed.

12.02.09 - 11.1910; Bye<3

uhohboboh 7:12 pm
(7:12:21 PM): both of us
(7:12:26 PM): went thru this like what the same time
(7:12:37 PM): but see what happens when i gave up and stopped caring?
(7:12:39 PM): i feel way better
(7:12:44 PM): i just hope you can feel the same eventually

The only thing that's holding me back is thinking about.. how much I pushed you before, but you still stayed & sticked around even through all of that bullshit.

But what can I do now? You've stopped caring.

I didn't just lose a bestfriend.. I just the only person that I've managed to be truly comfortable with & who I can just.. be myself with.

& when you left, I felt that there was a big hole inside of me, that I was empty and so lost. I spent days just crying cause I felt so empty and I had no idea what to do. Those days were probably the worst days of my life..and even now I'm still waiting for that void to be filled.

I guess we're just doomed.

.........

i can't even pour all that i'm feeling out. this just happens over&over again & i can't take it.

to be shut out, pushed away & ignored............& so damn unwanted......

fuck it, man.

i just want it to be over.. i can't handle all of these emotions.. i really can't... i see everyone around me so happy & i just feel like that's never gonna be me again.

i wish i didn't feel so much.. i really do..i just don't want any of it anymore.........

SO.EFFING.FULL.

x_x I didn't eat all day & then I just got so hungry & I just started eating so fast & now UGHH so uncomfortable!

& FULLLLLLLL. Never doing that again.

& omgosh I'm thinking about..........-_-YESTERDAY& wow fuck. I'm so fucking embarrassed & I just want to go hide under my covers & never come out..

Well at lest my eye got better & i don't have to go to the docs.

-_- MY left eye is all red.. cause I was rubbing it& IDK.. now it's all red& swollen-ish.
Fuckfuckfuck.

& it feels like theres something on my eyeball. UGH IDK BUT FUCK ..& i'm scared to go to the doctor.. cause idk they always scared me T_______________T

&WTF, my mom just bought a $2thousand tiny little jade pendent but she won't buy me a $1thousand macbook?@_@

...
...
...
soembarrassed bymy outburst OMGOSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
............

Yeah, yeah, yeah -_-

I know. It's real bad when you wake up in the morning & it feels weird cause SOMEONE didn't call you in the middle of the night&fall asleep up with you.

Lols fuck. Don't wanna be so damn dependent, but yaknow it's really nice to have them call you every night :(

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn. I ain't sprung on anyone tho, js.

I'm sleepy & I'm gonna go watch The Sorcerer's Apprentice & sleep ;D

Talking to Bobo<3. I seriously fucking love him, lols.

He gives me the best advice & he's the only guy that I know, that I cry with , LOL.

& every time I see him, I just want to laugh cause he's like this short&chubby guy with spiky hair. & I just wanna pinch his cheeks so hard.

Talking to him, makes me feel better! & makes me so much wiser, -_- LOL.

Fuckkkkkkkkkkkk. -_______________________________________-;

THAT made me want to cry.

Honestly ....................

WHY THE FUCK AM I SO DAMN SENSITIVE. Fuck man. I wish I was a guy so I don't have to deal with all this gay emotions.

LIKE SHIT. WHY ARE MY FEELINGS HURT SO EASILY?!!?.

So we're on the phone and he's asleep; I have this uneasy feeling, like not all is right. I don't really understand it myself.

Honestly I don't understand all of these feelings coursing through me. But it has to do with him and everything.

I just .. I don't want to play games wtih him. I mean yes, I like them too but that's not all that matters to me. I just want him to open his eyes and see ME. take an interest in me, NOTICE ME.

Pay attention to me dammit.

Sadly I feel like even if I was standing in front of him naked, waving my arms in front of him, he still wouldn't.

Honestly?

I just want this feeling.. in my smotach to go away. I want to wake up in the morning and just smile and be truly happy for no apparent reason at all.

I want to breathe and inhale in all the good and exhale all the bad that's clouding up in me. I just.. want to breally BREATHE and feel free..

& to be completely honest, I have no idea what it is that's going on with me. I don't understand at all what I'm feeling.

But gosh, I wish I knew..

Is it weird that I'm wearing Eric's old sweater? IDK why but I still have it & it's just so comfy & warm & I like to sleep in a lot on cold nights. Lols, IDK T_T

But I usually throw away stuff that my ex's give me after we break up.. I know it seems kind of cold but ugh, I don't like to have it around cause usually when we break up, I just want it to be over & done with.

But I still have Eric's sweater! Oh & his "ring" & my letter that I found. Rofls!

Kay well, off to bed!

I FUCKING HATE IT WHEN I'M WALKING DOWN THE STREET & SOME FUCKING GUY COMES UP & STARTS HITTING ON ME.

Like FUCK OFF DUDE. Maybe for some they might feel sexy and shit if they get hit on by strangers, but I FEEL THE EXACT OPPOSITE.

Omgosh -___________-. I fucking HATE IT.

Seriously, I'm so tired of it. I had guys running out of stores asking me for my number to following ME HOME.

Wow. Seriously. FUCK OFF YOU STUPID PERVS.

LOL. WTF IS THAT. CALLED ME TO TELL ME YOUR GOING OUT? I GOT ALL EXCITED TO TALK TO YOU & SHIT & YOU CALLED ME TO TELL ME YOU GOING OUT? OKAY. LMAO OKAY. WHATEVER MAN. LOL FUCK THAT SHIT.

FUCKING PISSED OFF AS HELL RIGHT NOW. FUCK THAT SHIT.

Yaaaaaaaawns. So tired right now =_= but just got out of the shower, so I'm waiting for my hair to get dried off & stuff.

& today was funnnnnnnnnnn ;D Finally got to spent some time with S&Erika; the last time the three of us were together was probably back in the summer. & it's so rare too with S in Albany now & Erika busy with her internship & stuffs. Sighs.

We went to the busy mall & my favorite piercing place today; ahaha I felt like I was fourteen again, sneaking into the busy mall getting tons of piercings with my best friends despite, my mom warning me not to get anymore piercings.

But seriously though, I love this place. Been going ever since I was freaking 12 but lately I stopped, ahaha. I remember going to get something pierced everytime I'm upset -_- & cause everything I get just closes.

The guy there still makes me laugh every time & it's just fun. But fuck, I must've spent so much money there; I mean I used to go there like every week -_- but ugh, 5$ a pop is cheap.

I didn't get anything pierced even though all of my holes are closed, lols. IDK, for me I'm like addicted to the way it feels.. which is weird.. some people are addicted to pills, drugs, etc, etc, but I'm freaking addicted to the way it feels when some guy pierces my damn ears..but just the ear lobes though; not cartliage cause it just hurts like a bitch when sometimes they pierce it wrong.

Ahahaha, but I'm proud of myself; finally moving on from there.

Oh& finally went to the fondue place by HK supermarket; was so yummmmmmmy! Today we ate so much =_=.. rose tea house.. fondue.. Sentosa.. ahh blah.

It's okay though cause I rarely get to hang out with them & we went to watch Life as We Know It. I lovelovelove Katherine Hiegel esp. since she's Izzie in Gray's Anatomy!

But yeaaaaaaaaaaah, today was fun & I love being with these two girls; their like the sisters I've never had. & it just sucks so much cause it's been so hard for us to ever get together nowadays -_- ugh.

Sims 3 Late Night = so much fun & I think I have a girl crush on one of my sims that I made. O_O





Yuppppppp & she's also a vampire. Sexy, huh?

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.

I don't know anymore.

Lobster ravioli with creamy vodka sauce & Inception;

Mmmh, life isn't so bad after all (:

& hey, I turned out to be a pretty good cook. Even though all I did was warm up the frozen ravioli & the vodka sauce was store bought. Ahaha still good !

I don't feel anything. My heart's gone cold. Good job asshole, you've really done it now.

There's a before I die list, but I'm making my before I turn 20 list :D

-I want 3 tattoos; Chanel bracelet looking tattoo, a bow on my wrist, and a quote of soaring birds on my rib cage right below my boobies..

I want the rib cage tattoo, cause it's like something for myself.

So before I turn 20, I'm gonna get a tattoo. Probably rib cage one.

JDSALKDFJSKLAJ

Stupid people & their bad energy rubbing off on me. Bumped into Weston on Main & he's all like I'm worried about you, blah blah. T~T he's like all in big brother mode, d'awwwwh. & he wants to talk so I guess I'm gonna meet up with him for lunch tomorrows.

On another note; seriously why the fuck are there two guys complaining TO ME that they want a GF!? Lols fuck, am I seriously the last resort? That's why their coming onto me?

Ahaha fuck guys!