ugh. i dont need to know everything that is going on with ur FRIENDS LIVES~
omgosh seriously.
you come to me to bitch about ur damn "friends" & its like wtf
why are they even ur friends if you dont even like them all that much ~.~
afdsdhfsakfdsajlkfdads
fk, im stressing out today.

haha brave girl~

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ugh got yelled at by my mom for coming home so late but fkkk im 20 - -"
life is so weird lately~ idk
i wish i was young ago .. when i was more carefree and not so idk.. withdrawn?
-_- idk. im tired and sleepy. but i dont want to sleep yet..
sigh idk~ qc tomorrow .. shopping just makes me so much happier.

Fsxbjdxdksdj
Argh, some people just needs to FUCK OFF -_-
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ok. i see what kind of a person you are now.
and you know something? i know that i will never scoop down to your level.
oh and you will never ever have me again.
that's a promise. from now on you no longer exist to me.

Fml. I'm addicted. I'm addicted to watching tv shows - -" my mom took laptop & now I can't watch my show..& I told her its getting unbearable. Ugh geez..

& now I can't sleep so I'm sitting on bed eating strawberries..
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ugh. fuck. great. now i'm thinking way to much.
you know what. forget it. you made the choice.
you want nothing to do with me and it's always the same damn thing with you.
and honestly you're an idiot because i really do care about you.
but you just think that i always lie to you and you don't know how to forgive.
and it makes me sad because we would've been amazing together.
and i hate you for giving up and never sticking around.
cause every time i let you into my life you always end up walking away.
and i'm tired of being let down and disappointed..

-my dad told me to stop being a spoiled brat & that he's shipping me off to chinatown
-cute boy with a nice smile made my day tho
-putting on a pair of jeans that used to barely fit and finding out that now i need a belt for it makes me happy!
-meeting these nice people today and their kindness really touch my heart.
-dinner with tiffany, june & yvonne was fun; singles girls outing. haha
-seeing my dad so proud of me.. just makes my week.
so life is finally turning around for me & i'm happy! :) oh & i'm excited to start commuting back & forth from manhattan & flushing & going to this new school. i love being a college city girl!

i've been sitting here for a long time, just thinking and trying to make sense of all that i'm feeling.

you know how i've been feeling lately? i feel like i have no purpose. so i go to school and afterwards i find a job and make a better life for myself. is that what i'm supposed to do?

is that what life is really all about? i don't know.

i really don't know anymore. my parents are both living their own lives; working and doing whatever they are doing.

and as for me? what is the point of living. everyday i'm surrounded by people but when it comes down to it. i have no one.

and it's funny cause i really don't. sure, i have my parents but i doubt they really see me. no one does. i mean i don't even know where i come from or who i am.

and no matter how hard i think, in the end it would still be better.. for everyone if i just disappeared. my parents can stop working and retire away and live happily for the rest of their lives.

i just don't know how to live anymore and this.. seems to be right thing to do now.

I can't do this. I hate myself for being this weak and pathetic.

I hate this..breaking down like this over and over again. I feel so damn alone. And I just don't want to be alone anymore..
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Omg. I just wanna fking cry. My head is hurting like crazy..throat and lungs hurt..everytime I cough my chest hurts..and my body is so warm but I can't stop shivering and getting chills.

I don't have any energy to get up..I was so exhausted..couldn't even walk home. This is fking torture..omg and no ones even home. I don't want to bother my dad cus he's at work...

I feel so weak....and my lungs are like burning..and I can't stop getting chills and shivers. Omgosh..I don't even have any energy anymore..
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no one would even come close to understand what i feel.

see, i loved someone. with all my heart and i gave and gave. i fought for him and i cared for him and i gave all of myself.

i endure the lies.. and the other girls.. cause i thought he was worth it. he was worth the pain and hurt.

but in the end, because i did one thing. i lied to him, he choose to ignore me and block me in every was possible. do you know what that feels like? when you love someone and they want nothing to do with you. nothing at all.

i lied. but my lies does not change how much i love him. but it was all my fault right? because i'm not allowed to make a mistake. cause he leaves .. just like that.

and instead he goes and fights .. to get his ex girlfriend back.

i thought it was worse.. before when he dumped me and went back to his ex right next day. but this.. this is even worse

because ... to him i'm nothing. like i'm no one. like i'm not worth it. that he can't bother to fight for me. because he doesn't want anything to do with me.

and in the end; it's my fault. i lost myself in this. i shouldn't have. but i lost .. all of me. and it makes me so sick.. cause i did .. so much.. all of my energy.. everything.. just thinking about.. the past year...

i can't anymore. i'm tired. and i hurt. so much. my whole entire being hurts. my soul hurts. and it's just too late to change everything..

he's made his point very clear; that i wasn't anything to him. and that i'm not worth the fight. not me, but her.

it's always been like that. i've never been first. always 2nd or 3rd or 4th.

i can't do this anymore. i just don't want to.. be in pain all the time. and i feel like there is nothing else i can do. no matter what .. i'm always hurting..suffering.. and i just want it to end.

i'm sorry. i know this is selfish of me. i don't blame anyone. and i believe that i will be okay.

LOL, she's already ready to pass out.. - -"
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wtf was i thinking. just cause he called me the other night, it doesnt mean shit. he's the one that ran back to his ex right after we broke up.

are you kidding me? fuck that shit. he can go run back to that bitch all he wants. fact is, i don't even give a fuck anymore.

haha i'm gonna live my life; i really don't need all of that stress in my life. bye! :)

I<3my nails :) red for chinese new year and vday.
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it's eric's birthday and i'm not sure if i should go and wish him a happy birthday. i haven't talked to him in months, so it would probably be awkward. but i'll always remember it cause his birthday is a day before mine. it's always bittersweet when i think of him; i thought we were soulmates. the kind of love that we had.. you don't find very often and being with him it felt like.. happily ever after. and summer of 2007 will always be ours

for some reason i feel content. i feel okay and i think i finally get it now. he has always loved her. i knew that, but i just didn't want to accpet it.

and i'm just tired of everything. arguments, fights, assumpitions, acusations. i'm worn out and so damn tired. i've done a lot. and at the end of the day, he still wants to leave.. then that's on him.

but at least i tried. and yes, i know i shouldn't have lied to him but real people learn to forgive and they don't just give up someone they love.

and as for me? i think i'm going to be okay. like i said, i'm content because i'm finally accepting the fact that he never truly loved me. that in his heart there will be this other girl and he will always want her and put her in first place.

and you know what? i'm okay with that.

besides i need to focus more on school and the upcoming 16 months will be very crucial for me. and i think that it's time for me to grow up.

i cherish every experience i get and i'm going to be grateful for all the oppurtiunties and new windows that's going to be coming my way.

and as for love and relationships? i'm not going to settle anymore. cause i deserve everything and more. to love and be loved right? and if the right guy comes along, then i'm gonna go for it. i'm kind of excited to meet new guys and stuff. besides there hasn't been a guy yet that i wanted, i haven't had.

from now on, i'm living my life to the fullest and no one's going to stop me.

i've made a lot of mistakes. and i've made a lot of poor choices. i have always managed to pick myself up and clean up the messes, but it's hard.

i know that life is full of wonderful things but at this point i feel like it's okay. it's okay that there will be tons of things i won't do or see. and it's okay that i'm never going to do this and that.

i'm just tired. tired of living.. tired of hurting. i just don't have any more strength left. i'm sorry that i'm not strong enough.

i just don't want to live anymore..i'm tired of being in so much pain.. i just want it to all go away. i want to go away. i want to disappear.

can someone please tell me what you're supposed to do when someone you love walks away and not even once, looks back. what are you supposed to do when you're barely getting through the day and you want nothing than some closure. but they shut you out and refuse to even talk to you. just what are you supposed to do? i can put up with the loneliness but i can't put up with this. i can't put up with being ignored. how does someone just walk away like that? how can they just ignore you over and over again? how are you supposed to pick up the pieces and continue on with your life? how are you supposed to pretend that everything never happened? what am i supposed to do? no one understands. i try to put on a happy face and pretend that everything is just fine, but it's getting harder and harder to do everyday. and i've put in so much effort in the past and i've put up with all so much shit. why can't he see that? why does he have to take me for granted? i just want to be loved. to love and be loved. i feel so worn out. my birthday is in two days. i just can't do it. i can't fake it anymore. i can't cope any longer.

I can't stop shaking and crying omg

I don't want to live anymore. I try coping with it but I can't do it anymore.

It hurts so much and I wish someone would just come save me because it hurts so much..

I wish there was someone who would just hold me and love me..

It hurts so damn much and I just want to be held. ....

Oh god. I can't .........
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Oh geez..geez geez..

I'm trying to make the best of it. I really am. But .. no matter what happens.. I just feel empty..

Every night I wish and hope that tomorrow would be a better day. But its always the same..

Its so hard to cope...its just so hard..I really don't want to live like this..
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you know what i hate? my legal name is jiaxi wu. so teachers can't really pronounce my name right. the worst was : "jaxxy" - -. and i always have to go "it's jessey" or "just call me jessey" sigh. sigh. sigh.

i should go change my name. but i have to take a us citizenship test thingy first. ahaha.

okay i need to go or i'm gonna be latee. off to the manhattan :)