yawwwwns. just got home, showered and walked fifi.

today was a goooooooood day! ahh im so tired.. & plus i think im gonna be going to miami. yayyy
- - but june have to tell her parents.

but flight + hotel = 300$ per person & thats like really cheap. & spending my 20th birthday in miami would be amazing :)

on another note, i'm kind of loving my "eat, pray, love" thing i got going on. haha.

ook im so sleepy. another busy day tmr & plus i'm a little behind on my hw - -

Its kind of flattering when a guy tells you that he's in love with you but eh. I mean okay, I knew that he has feelings for me but every time he talked to me or what I just ignore and avoid but then idk. He talked to me the other day and then he idk..confessed? And said so much and now ..he wants me to go out with him and ugh. Idk.

Okay. I don't feel anything. Most time he just annoys me. I feel nothing. Na da. Ahh idk. I'm tired of the same old guys. Uh no. I'm just tired of guys. And I'm not interested in anyone BUT I do want to meet new people and have fun. Okay.

So I just got out of class and I'm waiting for june and tiff at queens crossing. Feb 16th = the day I start my vet tech training. I got accpeted. Yay!! I'm so excited. Okay my life is not so bad but .. Eh.
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never. in my whole entire. fucking life. have i hurt this much. never in my life has anyone hurt me this much.

i gave you my love. i loved you with all that i was capable of. i loved you with every fiber of my being.

i spend so much effort and energy. how can someone do this to me? how can someone break me down this bad.

c told me he never got over me today. he told me he's been in love with me for three years. and has been waiting here for me. he asked me to give him a chance.

i'm gonna give him one. i just want to be loved and held and cared for. i feel so ...damaged. and i'm so lonely.

i hurt so much. and why not. here's this guy whose telling me he won't ever hurt me and that he loves me. why not.

why the fuck not. after all , he is not going to "sort" me away. like i'm some piece of trash. and i know he won't ignore me when i'm begging him or crying to him.

he won't ignore me. and that's the worst feeling in the world.

so why the fuck not. fuck this crying. fuck it. i'm done. with everything. no more. why should i even care. if he doesn't.

i'm going to move forward and move on. i'm tired of hurting.. and this guy wants to make it all go away.

so why not.

#1. if you're going to talk shit about someone behind their back at least have the balls to admit it. cause you're just gonna look stupid standing there denying it when you've been talking shit to everyone.

#2. bitch, this is the fucking last time. i'm done. i don't fucking care how busy you are, if you can't make time for me then why should i?

#3. people are selfish. everyone is just looking out for themselves and maybe it's just me, but i care too much about everything. i get emotionally attached and i care. like i genuinely care about everyone and everything.

#4. maybe it's cause i'm really curious and i want to get into everyone's business and when i do, i always try to understand where they're coming from. and i have an open mind about everything. i think that's my down fall.

#5. i should have more of a "idgaf" attitude because that way i wouldn't get hurt. right? right.

#6. i don't want to be a burden to anyone; so i put on a happy face and i smile and pretend everything is okay. but it's not. i'm not okay.

#7. tough it out. so i don't show my real emotions to anyone. i have never literally cried in front of anyone and i am not about to start now.

#8. sometimes it's just easier to smile and pretend that your worries and sorrows don't exist.

#9. pretending is good. i pretend, pretend and pretend. and for a little bit i actually believe that it's going to be okay.

#10. it's when i'm alone, and reality sets in, is when i actually crumble and break down into pieces.

i wish just once that he wouldn't be so stubborn and hard on me and just be a mature adult about it.

i don't know. i don't want think anymore.

......

you were supposed to be around, helping out, picking me up when i fell down. watching my back, listening to my stories. understanding things that i wouldn't want to tell other people. loving me when i'm stupid. giving me something to take care of and be good to.

My life consists of watching private practice, eating take out, playing league of legends, doing yoga / mediating and praying.

Sad, I know. So bobo is taking me to costco tmr ..finally -_- eveyone is so busy with their lives expect for me. Sigh.

& I keep getting the damn blue screen on my computer and its driving me nuts. But its okay. I'm a big girl now and I take care of myself.

But it would be nice for someone to take care of me for a change and itd be nice to have someone worrying and fussing over me................
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So I'm trying to find my night world series books and I find this in a gift box on my book self.

What the fuck?? Okay I officially hate hello kitty. Its just too much and fucking EVERYWHERE. Omgosh.

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I'm so fucking pissed off. At everything. I wanna fucking punch someone. And I'm so damn frustrated. Fuck, I fucking hate everyone. I'm just so damn frustrated and angry.
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sigh.. i feel like im going to break down and cry any minute now. ugh i cant deal with all of emotions. iono..i feel so........

i hope i get approved.

if i don't i don't know what i'm going to do cause my whole entire future depends on it..

Ayooo la da ayoo la dee daa
Sometimes I give into sadness
Sometimes I don't
Doo doo doo doo
At times I'm part of this madness
Sometimes I won't
Give into you

You see in a way I've been drifting down this river to nowhere
And you've given me nothing

But if you're ready to be my everything
If you're to see it through this time
And if you're ready to love then
This I will bring
But I'm not gonna wait for you forever this time
La dee da ayo
La da ayo la dee da

One thing I love being home alone is I can sing at the top of my lungs and no one can tell me to stfu (:
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excuse me bitch. who the fuck are you. lmao.

you see those cars with the golden horse stickers everywhere around ny? oh yeah, they all work for my dad. if you're asian. no excuse me. even if you're white or black or asian and live in the tristate, i'm pretty sure you've heard of my dad's company.

and what does ur parents do? work at the immigration office? uhhuh.

and you wanna start bragging about how much money ur parents have and how they buy you all name brand shit, come again.

my parents have money but you dont fucking see me bragging about it to anyone. and i live on their expanses. it's THEIR money. not MINE. i don't fucking go around bragging about it and looking down on people and think that i'm better than everyone else.

CUS I'M NOT. and if you wanna talk about that; you don't have a job either. you don't fucking work. it's ur parents money that you are using. so uh yeah, technically ur just as broke as i am.

fucking hate people like. lmao and really ur gonna talk about how you feel bad for those unfortunate people. like really?

Eat. Pray. Relax.

Haha. I'm gonna eat good food, find my balance and just relax and chill out.

Time to find myself and my balance within.

So snow day today and no school so I'm going to koreanan bar with junie & wilson. I don't really like korean food expect for korean bbq but this place is actually pretty good even tho its tad bit expensive.

Oh and I wanna go to inspa world!! Out door jacuzzi during winter time is amazing.
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Feel so dizzy & light headed ..sigh. Hate this gloomy weather..ugh feel like I'm gonna pass out.
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nothing beats waking up to a snowy morning.. its snowing like crazy. ahaha.

class at 1030 & im gonna wear my wellies, leggings & my babydoll peacoat that i haven't worn yet. plus burberry umbrella to match my burberry scarf. haha, i love being a girl!

life is gooood (:

Men lie to us all the time and we lie to them. Sometimes you do it protect yourself or the other person. Sometimes its how you try to get what you want, and sometimes it's just easier.
If you think love means never lying to each other, you're not ready for it.
-charlotte king {private practice}
<3
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finally just got homee.. today was a good day.

went shopping for back to school & went to my waxing appointment & got a feet massage. was sooooooo amazing.

i need more days like this! just for myself.

& in the words of my dad i'm not happy until i spend some money, haha.

school tomorrow!; im excited O_O

kk off to take a bubble bath with my new rose & lime bubble salt & gonna go snuggle in bed with fifi & read my new book

i want my boyfriend to buy me this ring for vday & engrave it with our initials and date.
oh wait i don't have a boyfriend.
im making my dad buy me this -_- its only 225 anyways.
i usually don't like tiffany jewelry cus all their stuff is so damn plain but this is actually cute.

...

Despite everything its so hard to get through tonight..I'm waking up so much..hoping you might just call..and remember what today.

What happened exactly one month ago...
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tomorrow im going to libi and im fixing things. i avoided it for so long.. ever since i fucked up last winter.

i need to get my life back and straighten things up. i deserve to be happy. i'm going to fix my mistakes.

im gonna FINALLY get my life back.

life is short. i have people that care about me. and i'm going to appreciate all that i have and the little things in life.

i've been luck to have these amazing people in my life. that takes care of me.
<3

I feel so alone and it hurts so much. Someone I thought I could trust and depend on..turned their back on me.
And now I'm here by myself and I just don't want to be alone anymore.
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2009. this time back in 2009 i was truly happy.
i had a job. i was doing really well in school. and i had a good boyfriend.

that was the last time when i was happy. really happy. where nothing was wrong with my life at all.

and i deserve that. i deserve to be happy. i wasted an entire year on a boy who doesn't deserve me or my love.

and it's 2011 now. it's time that i stand up tall and fix my mistakes. for so long i've been avoiding it and i regret that. i'm not gonna hide anymore.

it's monday jan 24th. its a new day. a new year. and it's time to get my life back.

#1. Why should I care about someone who doesn't even care about me? Who knows I'm not doing fine and yet doesn't even have the decency to come check up on me.

Yeah right. My hearts gone cold. And I'm not gonna give someone like that my time of the day. You can go fuck yourself for all I care.
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tomorrow's the 25th. it also makes one week since this shits happened.

and after everything today. all i can say. im fucking done. i had enough.

and if hes still going to leave, then im really done. im not gonna chase after and i'm gonna cut him out completely.

i'm not gonna put up with this crap any longer. im not gonna take the damn ignoring me. what kind of guy does that, really.

fuck him. i deserve better. someone whose actually fucking mature and won't ignore a girl. like grow the fuck up and grow a pair. your a guy stop acting like a little bitch.

i'm fucking and i don't care anymore.

Hurts everywhere..I think I really need need to go to hospital..oh god I'm so scared.
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goodbye.
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so i spent the past two hours throwing up and trying to calm down my stomach cramps. i shouldn't haven taken so much damn sleeping pills. but i feel better now and my head seems to be much more clearer.

so here's the thing. even though i'm the one who messed up by lying and breaking his trust, i'm not the one who walked away. he made that choice himself and the thing that really upsets me is that why are we going through this right now when we can be together and be okay and work out this whole mess.

but he made his choice. why did i expect anyways. he's always bailing when things get tough. i should've known things weren't going to work out. when i was with him, i felt like sometimes i couldn't speak my mind cause i knew it'd piss him off. and then we'd get into an argument and he'd give me the silent treatment.

i definately don't believe that everything happens for a reason. but we never seem to work out. never. maybe we're just not really meant for each other. but it really upsets me that every single time, he never once stayed around. never.

he never once came back and said "hey i love you. and i want to work things out between us. i love you and i'm in it for the long run" oh i wish. but i know that's not him.

it's just really hard when i wanted so much for things to work out.

Its so weird. I'm lying in bed, staring into space..and I don't know what's real anymore. I don't know how to describe..
My head is hurting..feel so dizzy. I took all of my dads sleeping pills and I think they are working. I hope I never have to wake up again.
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Dead. With no more hope. So this is how it feels like to be dead but alive.
I don't want to be alive anymore.
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hate you. for not staying. -_- now i am a big mess.

why can't we ever be happy.. together. just once. act like a normal couple. fuck you. i hate you. i hate how i feel.

i cry everyday ..every mintue i feel like i have to break down. i can't do this. godd.

when i was finally happy. this shit happened. gosh. why can't i just ever be happy. never meant for this to happen.

fk everything. fk life.

一日， 三秋
it's snowing again. i'm sitting here watching the big fat snowflakes fall and i'm wondering what you're doing. are you thinking about me too? maybe in you're in bed watching a movie, or maybe you're on the phone. or your joystick came and you're playing street fighter.
i miss the sound of your voice and i miss falling asleep with you. i miss you.

yawwwwwwwwwns. im so sleepy. .. was on phone with xiangxiang meimei since 9ish ..i am tired. sleep so little..something she said..

i ask her if i really messed up big time..and was it really so horrible of me to lie about it.. and she said..

"it was wrong to lie but i know you just didn't want to cause any more problems since things was going really well for you guys..and he's hurt but if you two still love each other at the end of the day then you will be able to patch things up"

kind of made me snap and it's like wtf..
hellooooo. i'm sorry i lied. i love you. if you love me too then lets stop wasting time, and make things right.

it's so stupid. it's like i said.. if something happens between two people..and if they still love each other at the end of the day then things will be okay...

i don't fking believe that maybe everything happens for a reason. if you love me then fking be with me.

so fking stupid. but i guess you just dont love me anymore. but im tired moping around home being all sad and shit. there's nothing more i can do. and today is so nice out and the sun feels so good shinning on my face.

so im going to go eat thai food ..my first time.. with tingting & meimei .. & go watch the green hornet. lols they are both cutting school for mee. yayyy.

its been two days.. its hard.. but i think.. maybe i should accept the fact that we are really done and over with..

i know i lied. i tired to cover it up with more lies. i know that's not okay. but it's not okay of him to just ignore me like that.

and to just walk away like i never existed. and not just look back. i know i hurt him and broke his trust.

but i love him.. like no other. i have feelings too. what am i supposed to do?.. he just leaves me out here.. while i want to be with him and work past this..

distance is hard.. i just want to run to him... i hate this. and my heart feels heavy. i fucked up. how can i make it right again?

i dont know and i get nothing from him.. and i guess this time. we're really done.

why is everything so fucked up...

i wish you would understand everything from my perspective. i know how fucked up it looks..

but bottom line is.. i love you. just you. and youre the only person in my heart. i never meant to hurt you. i would never hurt you intentionally. and i would do anything to make it up to you and for you to forgive me.

and i never.. ever.. once cheated on you or talked to any guys like that.. i never lead any guys on.. and its hard enough as it is for me to open up to you.. and for me to talk to someone and flirt with them... i have to have real feelings for them.. and.. youre the only person i have real feelings for...

but i know.. you will never see. and i know you probably think im like every other girl out there that lied and hurt you.

i am so sorry. this is hurting me so much more. and i just wish you would understand...

fuckkkkkk.

i dont want to be so damn emotional. i dont want to think about anything. i just want to fucking sleep .. i haven't slept in more than 24 hours and im fucking exhausted.

i dont want to thinkthinkthink. crycrycry.

CAN I JUST FALL ASLEEP & WAKE UP ... TO FIND THAT THIS WAS JUST A REALLY BAD DREAM.

i dont even know what to fucking do anymore. seriously.. YOU ARE JUST GOING TO WALK AWAY FROM ME JUST LIKE THAT?

THAT EASILY? just the other day we were laughing about something.. and now.. it's like you never existed in my life and vice versa. JUST WTF IS THAT?

CUS I CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS. IT'S HARD PRETENDING THAT I NEVER KNEW YOU. THAT I NEVER LOVED YOU.. THAT YOU WERE NEVER A PART OF MY LIFE.

you were the best thing in my life... and i was TRULY FUCKING HAPPY FOR ONCE! FOR ONCE THINGS WAS GOING RIGHT! just what am i supposed to do now? how am i supposed to cope?

I WENT THROUGH THIS SO MANY TIMES BEFORE... just please. no more. please no more. i cant take it.

STOP PRENDING THAT I DON'T FUCKING EXIST. CUS I FUCKING DO. & IM HURTING TOO. stop avoiding me. stop ignoring me.

I FUCKING LOVE YOU. I CAN'T IMAGINE GOING A WEEK. A MONTH WITHOUT YOU IN MY LIFE.

i just cant. i don't want to be without you. i want to spend my weekends with you. i want to spend EVERY FUCKING DAY WITH YOU.

i need you. i need you. i need you. please come back to me. i dont wanna be apart from you..

i just want to be with you.. DONT LEAVE ME HERE ALL ALONEE.. come back to me please....

has it been a day already? i don't know anymore.

im just sitting here .. thinking.. and thinking..

does he care at all? did he really love me? how can he stand to see me like this.. and not do anything..

i know it was my fault.. but can he not see how much i'm hurting too.. why isn't he doing anything..

maybe he has already moved on and found someone else to talk to .. i dont know..

i really dont know.. all i can think is .. if the roles was switched.. if he was the one that fucked up..

and i was the one ignoring him... and he was trying to get me back.. i would have forgiven him.. i would not ignore him.. i would at least talk to him..i would try to forgive him .. and work things out..

everything i've been doing.. does he not see how much i love him.. and how much i care.. and how much i really am sorry?

i don't know..how can he just disappear like that.. from my life...is it really that easy to walk away from me .. and not look back?

there is nothing else i can do. i give up.

i'm very tired. i would just like to fall asleep for a very long time.

i dont know what im doing anymore.....

ive been sitting here.. and just crying for hours.. i dont know. i feel so tired.. but i cant fall asleep..

nothing is right.. my eyes hurt. they are so sore.

my whole body.. feels heavy..

i dont know whats going on.. i cant sleep. i cant eat.. i cant stop crying.. and crying..

its al my fault. im so sorry

i cant do this anymore.

please please dont turn ur back on me.. and walk away..

i know i messed up big time.. i never meant for any of this to happen. im so truly sorry.. please forgive me.

how did all of this happen.. im so sorry..

but please come back.. don't walk away from me. i love you and i need you..without you , i feel like i have nothing.

you mean so much to me.. and im so sorry. im sorry that im such a bad person.. im so sorry for breaking ur trust and lying to you. i never felt like this before.. and i know you won't ever forgive me..

i don't know what to d.. i miss you.. i need you.. im so selfish and im sorry.

i never wanted to lose you.. trying to keep you closer just pushed you away even more.. im so sorry..

please.. stay with me.. i feel so empty without you..

I'm so tired....I can't get up.. I don't want to get up. I try sleeping.. but I can't fall asleep. Sometimes I manage to fall into sleep but I always end up waking up a few mintues later.

My gosh...

I just want to stay in bed all day.. I can't.. I can't touch my computer. I don't even want to go near it..

My eyes are tired. My body is tired..

I pushed away the one person that I really loved.. and I know nothing can bring him back. I kee[ hoping that maybe he'll call or something.. but I know he's gone forever...

And I'm just so tired.. every minute is like ..toruture......

I just wish I can fall asleep and never wake up..

I've been tossing and turning in bed.. for three hours. I can't sleep. My eyes are so sore .. I've been crying for 10 hours straight now..I can't seem to stop..

Everything.. it's all my fault. I should have never of lied. I should have told the truth. I shouldn't have swored.. I really hope my grandma and buddha forgives me.

I'm such a bad person.. so terrible. And so selfish. I just didn't want him to leave.. but that's not an excuse.

I should've been better. How did I become so low.. I don't know what to do. I can't sleep. I can't stop crying.

I replay the scenes in my head.. what happened today. I feel so sick.

I have nothing.. I'm empty and dead inside..
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why do i feel so much more alone.. now.. that we're together.. why do you always make me feel like i'm not enough.

i don't want.. to be on the phone 24/7. i want.. to do things together.. & make memories & share stuff.. i don'tknow..

everytime i ask you to do something with me.. it's always no.. are you really my boyfriend? you always .. do your own stuff & i do mine...

you have more fun & like to be on ur own.. sometimes.. i feel.. you shut me out.. and i feel like a child.. like if i say the wrong thing.. you'll get mad at me.. so i hold my tongue..

i don't know.. i just don't like the feeling.. i really don't know anymore.

my dad is so sweet..he buys everything..

ugh i know i sound so spoiled but im not.. well, not really

but im not so young anymore & i dont always want to depend on him. cus i always ask him to buy me things... & he does it ~.~

well thats all going to change on monday (:

lols honestly... what kind of guy doesn't reassure their girlfriend that they don't have anything to worry about their jealous ex who needs to grow the fuck up.

instead just keep on assuming & assuming.. really. are we even in a fucking relationship? cus it seems to me that you're just defending you're ex. okay why don't you just go back with her then?

i mean aren't you supposed to be my boyfriend? & make things right& tell me that i'm mean everything to you & that i'm all that matters?

that whole "but i'm with you.. isn't that enough?" uh no. that's not. i mean. hello, she has a boyfriend now so you're settling down for the next best thing..aka me. if that's the case, then goodbye.

you're not the only guy out there.. and plus .. you're fucking billions of miles away. honestly.. stop taking me for granted. i fucking hate this distance thing, but fuck. i love you so i'm here.. spending time with you..through the damn phone.

but i'm tired of your fucking ex girlfriend and all the baggage that you carry from that relationship.

if you wanna be with me, then make damn sure that you've moved on and that i'm the only girl in your mind, heart, wutever. the only fucking girl for you.

cus it's 2011..a new year. and i'm not sticking around anymore for all that bullshit drama. & hunny, we're not in highschool anymore.

i got better things to do if you're just going to lead me on.

你可以走進我的世界，也可以隨時走出我的世界。但絕不可以在我的世界進進出出！

i like how last year on new years.. i was alone.
and this year.. i'm alone too.

i like how nothing even changes.. even tho you're like my boyfriend & shit.. just lol -_-