So Fifi is scared of my iTocuh, IDK WHY=_= & I'm like sitting in the living room reading my book and I come into my room and find him hiding underneath my desk. UGH, his cuteness is too much for me.

& like I'm scared to get into my book when I'm alone cause I'm gonna get scared and get paranoid at every little thing..

Eating these pork&mushroom dumplings now and their so yummy. But while I was cooking the stove wasn't being normal =_= and I'm scared that while it's on, it's gonna blow up or something..

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhs. I wish my parents would come home already :(

It's been almost one year since I was truly happy with my life.

One freaking year and I wish I can have it all back. I wasn't so emotional back then. I didn't have much worries. And I was doing fine.

Now I'm a emotional wreck and the thought of being alone scares me the hell out of me. Wtf happened to me?

I really hate my life right now..and I just don't know what to do. I want to stop worrying over stupid things like boys. I want to live my life. I want to be okay even if someone I love doesn't love me back.

I want things to go back to the way it was before. But I don't know how to pick myself back up. Its hard and I'm stuck here.

I NEED TO GET OUT.

George died & Izzie has cancer :(

But it's okay cause I have breakfast to cheer me up<3 & more Grey's Anatomy.

I don't understand how anyone can want to be a oncologist. Maybe it's just me and I can't help but be selfish and think about how I might actually feel telling patients that their dying. Cause there is no real cure for cancer and you can only hope and pray that it goes away.

I wanna be a doctor though. Just not sure how I can actually reach that but one of these days, I'm going to be a doctor.

Omg. I want this Chanel tattoo..

It's a tattoo that looks like a bracelet & it's so cute omg @_@

............
ASDFJSALJFSLAF

I hate being alone & all by myself at night. Guess I'm just lonely..

UGH FUCK MY FUCKING DOG =_=

It's freaking 8 in the morning & I'm trying to sleep but he's being so damn hyper, scratching, biting everything he can find...& making so much noises. Gosh!

Today I have to clean my room.
Do loads & loads of laundry.
Cook.
Water plants.
Change Fifi's water on the crate.
Change bed sheet & pillow case.
Clean out closet.

Uhhuh. Yeah. Still raining & still loving it.

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, lalalala

It's raining & I LOVE IT :D

I don't fucking care anymore.

Completely DONE. Kay, it's all good. Whatevers.

I'm freaking out. My mom just left and it's just me & Fifi.

Alone for two weeks..Gosh, I'm so scared.. Never in my life have I gone a whole day without my parents at home..

I know I'm old enough to be independent but still...

it's scary. & I'm TERRIFIED. I can handle the days, but it's the nights that scares me especially when I get so paranoid at every little sound and it scares me to be in this apartment by myself.

Sigh..

8am;

Just woke up cause I fell asleep so early last night. And cause my mom left something cooking on the stove over night and the smell of burnt food woke me up. Sighs

Nothing to do expect play WoW and watch GA.

=_= .......

Oh & mom leaves tomorrow. UGH. I have to clean out my closet and put away summer clothes and I need to go shopping and buy some new stuff. And sell some old things that I don't wear anymore and there's this top I want but I can't find it anywhere.

OKAY.

Oh my dear gosh.

=_=

How come the guy I want doesn't want me but the guys I don't want, wants me?

Gonna watch my GA & I have a crush on one of the girl characters; Gosh what's wrong with me.. But her voice is so sexy and her smile ..and her eyes.... and her hair..

OMGAWD..

5am and of course, I would still be up.

"I'll try if I have time."

No, sorry but that's not good enough for me cause if you really want to you would. It's not about having the time or whatever. It's about putting in the effort.

And that's just not good enough for me.

I don't know why I bother anymore. And I'm not going to. Not anymore. If you want to be in my life, then make the effort but you're not getting in that easily.

God.. I am so.........................

Ugh SO STUPID.

Izzie & George

You're like my George expect there's countless Izzie's for you so where do I fit in.
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I can't hold myself up anymore. I thought I could but I can't.

What is it that I did so wrong that someone could leave me over and over again. From the beginning I've did everything I can to be a good friend. And yet, it's always my fault. It's always something I did. Aren't friends supposed to stick together to overcome something?

Do you know how many nights I've spent.. just crying and wondering what went wrong. You were probably just fine, doing whatever but here I was so utterly miserable..

And then that night, you were leaving again. Didn't want anything to do with me anymore. Everything just died inside of me.. I can't do this anyone.

Oh God, it hurts too much.

Over and over again. The one person that I trusted with everything. Leaving me here all alone with no one to turn to. Cause who would understand? Who would be here for me? Who would even care? No one.

Not one single person.

What's the point anymore? I can't do this. I'm not strong enough.. and I'm giving up.

I guess this is the end. And the funny thing is, I'm not scared cause I know I won't hurt anymore. No regrets.

I hate my fucking body. Why is it that every other girl out there that gets their period and they barely get any cramps.

But for me the pain goes on and on and its not just a little pain. It goes down to my thighs and I can feel them wobble. It makes me want to throw up and my whole body gets shakey.

.....

I HATE THIS.

I can't deal with shit and I just woke up not even an hour ago. I hate it. I can't go through the night by myself. Omgosh...
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asdklafjdsakfjkd.

I don't want to be alone. But I don't want anyone. Just you. Here with me at the end of the day.

Oh. I'm a slut for talking to other guys? Your the one that told me to move on & get a boyfriend.

I'm a liar for telling you the truth? I got nothing to hide & I have nothing to lie about.

I haven't lost my morals. I'm still ME. I don't need anyone. And I'm gonna be okay.

If you wanna leave, then LEAVE. You always just pick up your bags and leave whenever sometime happens. I'm tired of stopping you, convincing you and everything.

But all I can say is you never stayed how long to see how amazing I am & honestly that's your loss.

Do I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

Sigh~

Lols its kind of cute how he stumbled with his words while I was telling him goodnight.

Haha yeaaaaaaah that was real cute.
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LOLREALLY?

SHIT JUST PISSES ME OFFFFFFFF, BUT OKAY WHATEVER. I DON'T CARE.

OFF TO BED WITH SOMEONE ELSE. FUCK IT MAN.

Random thought;

Is it weird that I actually like thunderstorms but yet at the same time I'm scared of it.

So it started pouring like crazy and the thunder woke me up. And it so loud...ugh I don't even know how to describe it but it was like a freaking hurricane..

First thing I did was call my mom to see if she's okay and then I called him..idk why I always go to him when I'm scared or whatever..maybe its cause he knows me so well or maybe its his voice and how it can just calm me down.. Sighs~

Well I found out the church in main street..the roof of the church was blown away or the thunder but the roof came out and some people got struck by lightening.

Scary stuff. But for some reason I like it...the rain and wind blowing around the outside walls..you see flashes outside then seconds later you hear the big BANG sound..

Yeah it scares me ..I mean I live on the top floor of my building and what if lightening struck here..

But I like it. A lot..thunderstorms that is.
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I'm so scared.

I see everyone I know heading some towards somewhere in their life. Reaching their goals and whatnot. And as for me? I'm still here, unsure of what I want to do and what's gonna happen in my life.

Everyone got their future planned and here I am so indecisive and procrastinating to the end. I'm not so young anymore and right now at this point it's like life has hit me hard in my face. Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life?

No. I want a good career and a nice house, etc, etc. But I know that in order for me to achieve these goals I need to start working hard.

Start making plans and accomplishing them. For the past few years, I've just slacked off and I haven't been working hard at all.

Honestly right now, I still don't know. But I can't sit here forever and watch life pass me by. I gotta get up and do something about it.

Sometimes I ask myself, why didn't I do this or why didn't I do that.

And the only answer I have is that I'm scared to get hurt. I'm scared to ask something only to find out that, that wasn't the answer I was looking for. Or I'm scared to do something cause I'm unsure what the outcome will be.

I guess it's all about taking that big leap of faith or in other words, taking chances.

Life's too short. There's endless possibilities, and just go for it. I may say that now, but when the moment comes, I get scared and I don't.

And honestly, I've missed so much chances and opportunities.

This calls for change, doesn't it?

OHMYGAWD FUCK FACEBOOK.

IT ALWAYS BRINGS ME SO MUCH PROBLEMS! -________- I DONT WANT TO DEAL WITH ANYTHING. GOSHHHHHHHHHHHH, people need to LEAVE ME ALONE.

LOL, God. This guy that I "went out" ? on Maplestory for one day starts talking to me today. This is the first time we talked in years, LMAO WTF? Haha, & we're talking about WoW. Uh yeah, awkward!

When I used to talk to him I was like this shy little girl & he was what? 2 years older than me & I felt so young! Ahaha, well nothings changed besides the fact that he doesn't seem all that old.. but I still feel like the shy little girl..

Not with him.. but with older guys that I crush on..Some guys might find it cute; a shy girl. BUT I know most guys like the outgoing girls.

Idk, I'll always be an introvert. Sighs~

Introverts have an inward focus and aren't usually the life of the party. They have a strong sense of self that can make them feel highly self-conscious around other people – making walking into a crowded room a little nerve-wracking. Introverts have a hard time being goofy in front of the camera and telling jokes to more than a couple of people at a time, but they can be extremely witty.

Lol, geez =_________=

Lols, idiot =_= what would make me happy would be .....

Whatever. A lot of other things makes me happy.

& ugh okay, don't fucking talk to me when your getting high. I can't deal with that shit...... Fucking GROSS.

Okaaaay off to 711 & buying WoW, yay!
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I am bored out of my fucking mind. Haha.

Yay for Polyvore.com. & life is okay. Just fuck everything.

Seriously I've always felt that I needed someone to help me pick myself up again, but NOWAI! I don't need anyone. The best person to depend on is myself and I'm gonna be independent.

Haha, fuck all of that emotional shit. My life is gonna be SIMPLE.

& I'm gonna do what makes me happy and that includes; playing WoW, shopping for stuff that I cannot even afford & loooooooking fabulous!

Lalala I LOVE BEING A GIRL!

Oh. & I can't cut my fucking hair yet, cause yesterday when I was getting eyebrows waxed the lady pulled to hard and ended up pulling my skin =_= At first I thought it hurt to touch my eyes cause I cried so much, lols. But it's cause of the waxing and like on top of my left eye it's all red and shit. Ugh I need my bangs to hide that!

"Whats your excuse this time?"

No excuse. I just didn't want to talk to you until now. Ugh =_=.. When I first started talking to him again, I seriously thought he was this guy that I could fall for.

I feel bad cause there were so many times where I ignored him and just didn't bother replying back or whatever to him, cause of someone else.

I don't even know now.. life is kind of confusing..

Ahh okay whatever. Fuck boys.

I'm scared to go get my haircut cause what if I don't look so good with it? I mean one time, I cut my bangs and the guy cut it so bad that my bangs were standing up =_=..

It's so hot today & I don't wanna go out, but I have a lunch dateeeeeee with Erika&Alex at Morning to Midnight; my new favorite place.

& Should I buy WoW or not? Ugh. I'm running out of money..

What is with these random guys adding me on FB and then adding me on msn or some shit and try to hit me up. Ugh, just no.

Ahhh, I can't fall asleep.

Okay so like I think its just gross hearing the words "pussy" or "nigga/nigger/negro" coming out of a girls mouth. Especially the P word. Lol, it makes me blush just even typing that.

I mean I'm not a prude or anything but ya know a girls got to have some CLASS! I mean okay I understand if your gonna say that to your partner or whatever when your horny and shit or whatever but calling someone that or just saying it is so......UGH!

I just find it unattractive .. and makes them look like...trailer trash....

On another noteeeeee, from now on if a cute boy asks for my number I'll give it to him. And if a decent guy asks me out on a date I will go for it! Fuck this shit. I neeeeeed some fun!

But sigh~ I just want to be swept off my feet..someone whose funny and witty and charismatic! Oh and not shy cause I'm shy enough for the both of us, lols. I want adventure, I want the damn sparks and fireworks.

Lols, I don't care if I'm such a hopeless romantic and one of these days he'll come.

Sighsighsigh~ a girl can dream, right?
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Okay so I didn't get to cut my hair today.. cause I was rushing home & it was pouring!

But today was a good day; was at the salon most of the day. Got mani&pedicure & waxings donee & I feeeeeeeeeeel so gooooooood.

Definitely have to cut hair tomorrow and I have to go find Palty dye.. Yay can't wait.

& also this month.. would have been me & his 'yue ding'. Ahhhhhhhhh, it's been three years aleady, geez. It's okay though and we haven't talked in months & he has his girlfriend & it's all goooooood.

But lol, fuck my life. It's been like what? More than a year now since I've had a frigging really good relationship with any guy. I miss it.

Sighsighsigh~ I miss falling in love & the butterflies & all of that good stuff.

Well, it's not like I'm in a rush or anything but ugh, no one has that effect on me in a longlonglong time!

I miss the butterflies and the giggles and the blushing. Wow~~~~~~ Even after everything I still go mad shy and my face turns mad red if there's a guy that erm.. makes me feel that way? Lol, I don't even know if it makes sense. Whatevers.

I JUST FREAKING MISS IT :(

Can't wait until school starts though, yay yay yay so excited for it! & the weathers been getting so cold lately & so much rainy days. I kind of like it!

I'm done. Tomorrow is a new day and beginning tomorrow a fresh start.

Gonna go cut my hair and leave everything behind.

Tomorrow is gonna be a new beginning.
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Believe what you want. Assume what you want.

When you came into my life, I had just gotten over a messy breakup. It was an abusive relationship and I was just getting over the experience.

I lied about who I was. But how would you feel if you had a boyfriend who made you feel unattractive. I didn't want to be me and I hated myself and the way I looked.

How can you expect me to open up to you when I had just gone through that. But you came along and made me feel special and you cared for me. Or at least it seemed like it..

It wasn't your fault that I was such a messed up girl to begin with..after all the shit that went on before..

So no, you don't really know me. Cause I became more withdrawn and more unlike myself after that relationship..

And then the things with you..

You never got the chance to really know me..the girl I was before...before you and before him.

And today..this is me. I need a lot of rescuing and you prove to me over and over again that your just not that guy.

I really thought you were different though cause no ones ever made me feel like that..back when we first met.
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PISSED OFF. WOW.

Fucking asshole. I don't care anymore. Whatever. WHATEVER.

At least I got a cuteeeeeeeee case. But ugh, was at Jasmart & they didn't have Patly hair dye. REALLY? Goshh T__T

Haircut on monday & I can't wait!

No more.

No more putting others before myself. I COME FIRST. Me & my needs.

& if I have to be a cold selfish heartless bitch, then so be it.

Mmmmmmh, feeling goooood Just shaved my legs and I love how smooth and soft they feel.

Ugh for some reason I can't sleep tonight..I. Want. Pillow talk. T_T
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I WANT A FUCKING NOSE JOB. Omfg, I hate my fucking nose. I don't even care. I WANT A NOSE JOB! AND A FRIGGIN' BOOB JOB TOO.

I don't care. Wow =_=.

Omg, I really want some fried milk.. or whatever those things are called. Craving for something sweeeeet. & this is why I'm never gonna be skinny, cause I have all these food cravings. Omg ..=_=

Omg, it's 5AM; I hear the stray cats out side making noises. I'm scared.. for them. =_= I wish there was something I can do for them.. I don't know how many of them there are, but for years, I've seen this cat that lives behind the Korean BBQ & they she got pregnant and now there are cats in my background. I've only seen one, but I'm pretty sure there are some hiding in the bushes cause Fifi is always growling at the bushes..

Ugh, but still.. I'm scared for them & I wish there was something..anything I can do for them..

"Pain is here for a reason. Maybe it's supposed to hurt."

My hair tomorrow; baby doll bangs with wavy layered hair. Omg, I can't wait & the color I want is a light a brown. Ugh, but I have to probably bleach my hair first then dye it with the light brown color.

Okay I don't care, but I can't wait to get babydoll bangs.

Time

Am I ready to let go and move on?

Time flies by in an blink of an eye and it's already been more than a month. I've been living in slow motion, watching everyone else go on with their lives while all I can do is just WATCH and think about the past and wish how things were back to normal.

And now.. it's time.

Time to move on and let go and leave the past behind. It's time to replace all of my hopes and wishes of us with something else.

To let go of you and the memories and leave it behind.

I don't wanna miss you, but I do.....

Reaaaaaaaaaaalllllyyyyyy? It's only been a day. & already I'm missing you? Seriously. I hate you =_=.

Wow. I don't care.

I FUCKING HATE HER SO MUCH..

Yeah, I'm going to hell for saying this but I don't care. I just hate her so much. EVERYTHING. I'm tired of listening to her bitch about everything and cussing about everything.

Like seriously? It's been like this since forever. Yeah, you're a great role model.

I don't EVER WANT TO BE LIKE YOU.

A little less than a week until Dad leaves then Mom on the 25th? I think. Ugh, the one thing I hate about being home alone is that I'm scared..

I get paranoid easily and I scare myself, lols =_= I don't know how I'm gonna last a month..

I'm craving for some Halal food right now so much. Maybe I'll go tomorrow and drop by St. Marks and buy some Palty hair dye but not sure what time the store closes. & have to pick up BB case at SoHo.. Got lots of things to do tomorrow tho.

Get haircut, set up appointment, ship off return appointment, blah blah blah. I'll go to QC next week & shop.. too lazy to go to the City and then take a detour to QC =_=.

Ahhh I want to cook too but I don't know.. Maybe when my parents gone. But then I don't wanna walk back and forth to buy grocery..

I wish I knew how to drive..

Yuuuuuuuuuuup, excited to dye my hair though and maybe I'll pick up some WoW cards at Game Stop..

Sleeping in till late in the afternoon is good.

I hate this. =_= I hate getting so damn attached.. Argh, I just hate it all.

It never bothered me much before cause we were always busy arguing I guess. But last night, just thinking about it, how you're there. I'm here. It sucks.

It's not that I'm a freaking horny virgin and I wish you would be here to fuck me or whatever. Mmh, that sounds good too, but..

WTH. How can I feel this way about someone when I've never met them before. I can't describe it. I mean I know how I feel and I know that this. All of this. Would be so much better if you lived closer.

It makes me sad. Really sad.. I want to do all of those things with you and even though you don't tolerate liars.. I'm pretty sure that will change once you meet me.. cause our relationship or friendship or whatever would be so much different.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. WHY IS LIFE SO FREAKING UNFAIR.

I want to make stupid faces at you. I want to hold your hand. I want to take you shopping. I want to buy you things. I want to take pictures with you. I want to actually be next to you and play with your hair and hum you to sleep. I want to hold your hand. I want to watch movies with you. I want it all.. WITH ONLY YOU.

I don't even know.. but I just don't like this. And now you're gonna so busy and I just don't know. It makes my heart feel all achy when I think about it cause who knows what's gonna happen in the future. I mean you got your life going on for you and you don't need me..

But all I know is that.. I need you and I want you in my life. But how can I stay and put up with it all when you really don't care about anything and constantly push me away. It hurts..hurtshurtshurts so bad.

I could really need you to not give up on me and fight for me and everything, but in my heart, I know that's never gonna happen.

I JUST DON'T FREAKING KNOW.

To do list;

• Get haircut; cut bangs and get hair layered.
• Schedule waxing appointment.
• Get nails done.
• Color hair; highlights I think..
• Ship out returns
• Get WoW Prepaid card at Game Stop..
• Find a matching wallet.
• Buy "somebunny loves you" tote @f21 ASAP

Of course.

It was too good, to think that things.. were going to fall back into place. Of course..it wasn't. Of course it wouldn't.

But it just hurts too much..I don't wanna do this anymore.

Because I'm the one that's always waiting.. and waiting at this time of the night for your call that's never gonna come.

And you're never here.. where are you when I'm crying myself to sleep..

Don't want to admit it. I don't.

But it's true. I hate it. Gosh :(

But .... I'm scared if I admit it, it's not gonna be here anymore.

Okay back to being in denial.

LOL REALLY?

This is why I need to get the fuck out of NY. Just cause I chilled with him today, your gonna go all ape on my ass? He's not your BOYFRIEND. And I don't like him. Fucking come home and I hear you say mad shit about how I'm trying to steal him away from you?

...

Really? Lols, can't fucking take two faced bitches, whose too scared to confront you about shit and instead they go and talk about you behind your back to other bitches.

Alright whatever.

Okay, I'm a fatass. :(

=_= S came over and it was so hot, we really didn't feel like doing anything so we went downstairs to my backyard with Fifi & just played with the little kids. It was pretty nice, laying down on the grass with the sun and warm breeze and the kids there playing around us and Fifi chasing after squirrels and stuff.

Fifi's all grown up now ~ Sighs, he's like just a good boy and he knows not to misbehave when I let him off his leash. And he actually listens to me when I tell him to come back or tell him no.

Was just catching up with S and he's telling me about school and his summer classes and everyone and people we used to hang out with in high school and stuff.

So we got hungry and we were walking down my block and a new M²M opened so we went in and there was Mochi Ice Cream. Wow, I've been looking for them since the grocery store on my block don't sell them anymore. Happy now, cause I can just go get them whenever I want now since it's right across the street and the store is opened till midnight.

We ate ice cream, then walked to McDonald's.. and got more ice cream. Rofls, and we walked back up on Northern Blvd and we were still hungry so we went to eat Korean BBQ downstairs....Lols ugh yeah.

I ate so much today. Omg, I can't even move and I hate this feeling. I hate how there is very single store imaginable within 2-3 blocks away from me. This is why I'm so freaking BLOWN UP. -_-

So I was waiting for S to come and some black guy pulls up and starts making hand gestures at me. At first I thought he wanted directions then I realized he was hitting on me and asking me what my name was ..

Ugh. Seriously? And while I was walking Fifi these two Spanish guys just start following me and starts talking about my asss. Yeaaaaaaaah.......-_-

I hate it.

It would be nice, really nice to know that you care sometimes.. I really don't know. You give me mixed feelings and ..

I miss you being you, the warm side of you, that tells me things and shares things with me. And whatever. Right now, it's just...half/half..kind of.. barely.

Uh yeah. ..

Okay. S is picking me up in thirty minutes and I have to go get ready. Hope it won't be too weird since I haven't chilled with him in years.. C&V keeps texting me and I still ignore.. I don't want to talk to either one of them but I feel bad for ignoring and I really can't come up with any excuses for them anymore..

I REALLY WANNA JUST PLAY SOME WORLD OF WARCRAFT :(

Boring day. Just woke up from my nap. And feeling bored..

Okay this is so bad, but I can't stop thinking about you and the next time we're gonna talk. I can't help it.. Ugh..You've been on my mind all day.

Fuck!

I don't wanna be so jealous..I don't wanna imagine you with other girls.. talking to them, making them laugh, teasing them, sharing secrets...telling them things that you don't trust about me, talking about me to them!..

UGH I WILL NOT FUCKING CRY.

But.. I miss you.. having you as my best friend and telling you things.. and vice versa.. I miss the intimacy.. not even phone sex, but.. the closeness you feel.. when your with someone.. and there are things that's only between you two..

I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.

this makes me smile so much,

If you are going to fall in love with me, it's only fair that you know what you are falling in love with.

You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, and my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. You are falling in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me.

But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I'm with you, the way I'll text you in the mornings just to telling you I hope you have a great day. You're falling in love with occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it's impossible.

So its 6am and we've been talking for a few hours and I don't know about you but I really liked it. Just lying in bed and talking to you about nothing at all..

I hope you liked it too.

You went to shower and I'm sleepy and you make me smile.
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