I asked him why he "loves" me .. he said "cause you're the down to earth, girl next door type, not the type of girl that has their tongue rings hanging out."

Lols, NO NOT ENOUGH! It's not even that, but he barely knows me and he keeps saying that he "loves" me and it's just like how can you love me..

Whatever, man. & I just got back from walking Fifi & I have a lovely bruise on my ankle .. Lols, serious? Why am I so clumsy.. =_=

On another noteee, S is gonna attempt to teach me how to drive. Well, not really, haha. But I was like I never ever drove before and he trusts me to like, drive his car. For fun. ROFL.

I'm excited. Hope I don't crash or do too much damage. LOL.

Waking up and feeling dizzy is caused by :
1)Low Blood Sugar
2)Low Blood Pressure.

Uhm, fuck. I still feel dizzy and shit. WTF DO I EVEN DO?! =_=

Lying in bed and my head is about to explode.

Have no idea why I'm feeling so dizzy..

S offered to teach me how to drive and I kind of want to try. But if Jen finds out I know she's gonna be upset about it and start saying shit.

Lols but seriously we're all friends even though I drifted from them ages ago. And S offered and I really want to try though. School starts soon and I haven't seen him since like Christmas so maybe we will even take that time to catch up.

But ugh, I know Jen likes him and well, I don't. But knowing her, she'll make a big deal out of it..

And lastly, fuck. I'm one sexually frustrated virgin. LOL that makes me laugh but ugh seriously. Can't take this shit!
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yourconfessions,

*I don't want to say "I love you" to you cause I don't love you and won't mean it and every time I talk to you, you always tell me that you love me, but how can you love me when you don't even know me?

12626.) I watch porn almost weekly. I’m a girl. I feel no shame, but if someone ever found out, I think I would die.

12625.) I always feel like I’m losing you and I really don’t want to, because for the last couple of months you were the only one who made me smile. I don’t wanna lose this feeling.

12617.) i’ve been in love with the same ASS HOLE for a long time, yet he’s never loved me back. when will he see that there’s no need to go from girl to girl? i’m the only one he really needs. even though i say i won’t wait around forever, i’m not fooling anyone, not even myself. i’d give the world to be in his arms.

12615.) I know I’m not the daughter my mom wanted. I’m basically the complete opposite of what she wanted. Too bad I like who I am and I won’t change for her.

12613.) Yesterday I realized that the girls in my family, on both sides, were super skinny at my age. I look at myself and wonder why I’m not super skinny and why my cousin is. I’m going to change this no matter what…

12611.) I’ve never expected to get such crippling verbal abuse. Especially not from my own mother. I wish she’d hit me just once so I can call the police.

12607.) I cannot explain how sexually frustrated I’ve been for the last few weeks. I didn’t even know virgins could be sexually frustrated :|

12604.) You’re not the best looking guy in the world, you don’t have the most amazing personality either. I just don’t know what makes me so attracted to you.

12602.) i throw up and cut because you left me thinking i wasnt good enough.

12599.) sometimes i just stand in the rain. because i love to feel something so beautiful that i can’t control it.

12598.) Even with a massive group of people I feel like I’m the only one standing there alone. I’ve always been the floater of my friends and can’t find a place to simply just know I’m comfortable there.

12584.) We weren’t ever officially together. Like so many other things in my life, we were just somewhere in the middle. Nothing ever began. But that didn’t stop it from ending. Why did you bother. You knew you were leaving. I knew you were leaving. I was okay with that. If that was even the problem. Maybe it was just me.

12569.) I don’t feel beautiful. Ever. No one ever tells me I’m beautiful, or pretty or cute. I know that you’re supposed to be confident in who you are, and they’re different types of beauty, and everyone’s beautiful. But it wouldn’t hurt for someone to say to me just once, “You’re beautiful.”I’ve been called ugly before. It. Hurt. Until I hear those words, that I’m not ugly, that I’m beautiful, pretty, I don’t think I’ll ever believe that I am beautiful. I will forever be stained with ugly thoughts when i see my reflection.

12562.) i dont like him, i just like the attention.

12560.) I wish I could be happy with myself. I wish I could like the way I looked. I wish I could make my family happy. I wish I could be as impressive and smart as all of my friends are. I try so hard to be someone who is likable. But I’m just not.

12555.) I miss the way we talked. I miss the butterflies I got when we got close. I miss the connection I felt we had. I miss thinking that maybe one day we could be together. Most of all I miss my best friend.

12551.) i hate how you make everyone else out to be more important than me. i guess you can’t put people aside for your girlfriend, but you can put your girlfriend aside for other people. bullshit.

12547.) I want to see you happy, But not without me.

12543.) I don’t trust you, you’re a bitch.

12536.) I hate it when you accuse me of seeing someone else when clearly you’re the only one I want to be with. Why can’t you just see that?

12529.) I reblog a lot confessions, pictures and quotes, hoping you’d someday come across my tumblr page, see them, and realize they’re all about you. But you never will, and you’ll never know what we could’ve been.

12527.) None of you will really know me. Know every secret, every crack, every curve, every scare, every cut, every mistake I’ve made. I don’t trust anyone. No matter how much it seems like I do.

12521.) I hate you.

Some made me laugh.

I'm kind of loving these hot summer days. Too bad summers almost over, but it's okay cause I love Fall too. Actually I can't wait for Fall! ; boots & scarves. I'M READY!

CEO with C was goood. Haha, it was so crowded though and bunch of people from ABBC was there so we got our own table and started shooting some balls. And there's a reason why I usually don't ever play; cause I SUCK! So I'm trying to get the ball into the damn hole and instead the ball bounces up and hits the light and lands on the table beside us.. LOL =_= Ugh.

We left after it started to get dark and he treated me to Red Mango. I like how I ended up spilling it on myself though. Uhm, I really hate how I'm so clumsy sometimes..but we just walked around Main Street. Lols, even though Flushing is really big and shit and full with people, it's always filled with the same people. Like no matter where I go, there will always be people I know that I really don't want to see!

Like seriously? I would fucking bump into D today.. It was awkward as shit and I swear I wanted to just fucking punch his face. Lols whatevers. Oh we and we stopped by the Tmobile store today cause I wanted to say hi to P & M and it turns out that C & M are neighbors.. LOL, like whaaat. Haha.

So when he was walking me home, C started to like hold my hand and I'm like thinking, Uhm no today wasn't a date or anything. LOL so I'm like what are you doing. Haha, I don't care. I don't think I like him like that and I can't imagine myself kissing him. EVER.

Lols geez.

So V's been texting me all day and I just ignore.. and when I came home I saw that he even msg'ed me on MSN & he never goes on MSN. Ugh. I don't know, lols. I don't think I really want to talk to him..

But I got home and my dad had a fever and it was like almost 10.. so my mom made me run to Rite Aid and get some medicine for me and X was just coming home so I dragged him there with me. Omg, I swear he got so much cuter this summer, but uhm gross. He's younger than me! Lols, he's like.. eye candy. But he's cute in like a baby cute way and he's so adorable I just wanna squeeze his cheeks and even the way he acts is just adorable! LOL, he's like a confused little lost boy. Haha.

I wanted to go to Staples afterward and see whose still there, but dad was like waiting for his medicine so I didn't...but I really miss Staples days. Ugh SIGH.

I'm tired so I'm gonna go watch Grey's Anatomy in bed! (:

True friendship isn't being inseparable, it's being separated and nothing changes.

I can't believe he would do that and in a sense I do feel betrayed.. And I don't know the everything that he said, but nonetheless it was still something that should have been kept between us. You don't see me go spilling out his secrets to everyone or his friends. Can't believe he would do something like that..So I'm gonna take J's advice. Find a boyfriend!

V's mad cause I took so long to reply back to him and I'm running out of excuses. Truth is, I really don't like his company all that much. I think he tries too hard to be funny sometimes and he lies way too much. He lies about small stuff trying to impress me and it's like dude chill, I'd like you better if you told me the truth..And it annoys me because sometimes I wanna know something and keeps making jokes about it and never stops or tells me..

And C called me last night but I was sleeping so I called him back and asked him if he wanted to do anything with me today. Lols, he was surprised that I'd actually ask him to chill, but despite the fact that he's always so touchy touchy with me, and minus his dirty jokes, he's still pretty cool. I guess we're gonna go play pool or something later on today.. Lols, I'm still not sure now I'm feeling about this and I've never been alone with him and I'm scared he's gonna go overboard.

And lastly, I love my legs. Even though I have big thighs and shit, I lovelovelove my legs and I like wearing shorts and feeling the warm summer breeze. And today's a perfect day for shorts !

This is the last time. Then I'm done.

Five months. We practically lived together for five months and you knew me better than anyone else.

I know it was my fault for fucking up, but I tried to apologize to you over and over again. You wouldn't here. You took off and left me here by myself.

God, I was so lonely, crying myself to sleep every night wishing you'd come back to me. Not knowing how you were doing or how you were.

I knew it'd take you time for you to deal with things, but I didn't expect you to be perfectly fine. When we talked again you were a whole different person, not the John I used to know.

Instead you were cold, and you couldn't stand to talk to me. What happened.. I missed you. Didn't you miss me too?

How can you not expect me to be so.. psycho after this whole ordeal. Oh, everything was wrong. I'm still stuck in the past.. and you seem so far and yet so close. I mean, here you were wanting to be friends again, but this isn't you.

I don't know you anymore.. I wanna know what happened..

Everything.. after all of the drama we've been through.. I really don't know anymore. And you feel nothing.

It doesn't matter that you really loved me before. What about now? Don't you love me anymore?

I remember that no matter how many times you told me that you didn't care before, somehow at the end of the day, there was always you and me.. and there was you showing me that you cared even though you said you didn't. You were always there willing to work out whatever we had to work out.

And the ironic thing is.. no matter how many times we fought, or how bad it was, I always knew that you cared. YOU CARED.

And now.. I know you don't... where did you go.. cause I'm all alone here.. waiting for you to come back to me.

I'm at a point where there seems to be nothing left for me to hold on to.. and the only thing I know what to do is leave. Go somewhere far far away and leave it all behind, and my heart.. doesn't seem like it will be whole again.

I have nothing to left to say.

So exactly three weeks until I will be leaving. I still can't quite believe it. I don't care. It's whatever..

I'm not sure if I want to go.. rather stay in NY.. I don't know.

I have to take a plane to Hangzhou instead of Shanghai.. and then drive from Hangzhou to Shanghai.. cause of Fifi..

It's dangerous.. cause driving on the highway is very dangerous though.. and I'll be by myself.

I'm not scared.

Move on Move on Move.

Biggest regret? Never got the chance to make YOU happy cause I never knew what we were. I wanted to be all girlfriend & boyfriend with you but shit, I just never knew! You tell me we're just friends, then you get jealous over some dude, then you tell me you love me as a friend.

SOWTF.

Maybe somethings are better left unsaid, but if I told you how I felt, will that change your mind of me? Probably not.. and I'm scared to let out all my feelings with you again cause it wont't even effect you.

You were someone who I can really talk to and be myself around and when I lost you, I didn't just lose my best friend. It was like a part of me left and I felt so empty..

I know that it was my fault for lying but I wish you would just forgive me.. cause I'm not perfect and I made a mistake but I'm only human. Won't you leave the past behind cause the past won't change and move foreword with me?

I missed you so much.. and now nothing seems right. It hasn't since the day you left.. I'm still so stuck on the past with you and you moved on and it kills me to see that. And it hurts me so much cause you don't care and I'm not sure what to do anymore.

So I guess maybe leaving is the only thing I can do..

I love you and I always have but it hurts too much to see you love someone else.. I wish so much that you never left me and that you would want me to stay and be something with me.

I can't bare to be your friend and I can't stand it when you can't even stand to talk to me. Did you know that I wait all day to talk to you and when we do talk, that's the best part of my day. But it's always cut short because I know that you don't really want to talk to me or be in my life.

So.. I'm doing the only thing that makes sense and that's leaving. Leaving everything behind. I can't believe it's come to this, but I really have to leave the country in order to leave the past behind. I won't be able to forget about you, but this is the only way I know how to move on.

Because I don't have enough self control to not bother you but at least when I'm oceans away, I won't be able to call you, talk to you or anything. There won't be any means of communication between us .. I really can't believe it's come to this, but that's how hard it is for me.

My heart hurts so much but there's no place for me in your life.. I wish so bad that you would just tell me you made a mistake and that you need me as much as I need you. I know that's not the case because you have all these people.. and well, I don't have anyone..expect you.. I had you. I don't have you or anyone else..

There's not much holding me behind.. and I think I only have a week to make up my mind. One week to decide.. and right now.. only you can change my mind.. because the odds are, I'm probably going to be leaving.

It hurts to know that I'll be leaving forever, but it hurts even more staying where I don't belong in your life anymore.

I can't sleep and tonight..I needed you so much but I don't know where you went..

Are you on the other line with someone else?

My heart hurts..

But once my decision is made I have to carry through it.

And I can't ever look back no matter how hard it will be..

Because I love you..and this is the only thing I can do.

My heart will stay behind but I have to leave.

It kills me to think that we're never gonna talk again but it kills me more seeing you love another.

I have to leave..

But oh, won't you choose me and make me stay because that's what I truly want.
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Ugh just woke up.. Gosh, I had a horrible night..

I can't help it. You telling me about your ex's hitting you up and shit just makes me feel so damn uneasy. It's not even the fact that I want you all to yourself, don't get me wrong I do but they're your ex for crying out loud! You guys have history..

Sorry, I'm not fucking OVER YOU. Right now, I don't even know how to be friends with you. I feel like a damn awkward turtle! WADDLEWADDLEWADDLE.

Sorry, it upsets me to see you talking to your ex-girlfriends despite the fact that you say you don't talk to them.

Sorry, it just fucking hurts.

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Ugh...fuck man........

It hurts seeing her talk about you..........
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OMFG MOM & DAD BOTH LEAVING FOR SHANGHAI FOR ONE MONTH. I'M GONNA BE HOME ALONE AND SO FUCKING SCARED...

FUCKFUCKFUCK.

I KNOW I'M OLD ENOUGH BUT IT'S SCARY BEING ALL ALONE IN THIS DAMN APARTMENT ..... WITH FIFI WHO BARS AT EVERY LITTLE THING. FUCK MY LIFE.

Today is boring =_=.. waiting for Dad to come home with food. Listening to songs ~ no one to talk to. Nothing to do. Ugh boring.

I wonder if you're gonna call me tonight.

Last night was ugh.. =_= I don't want to be so damn dependent but it was really nice to have someone to fall asleep with.

And I missed it.. a lot..WAHHHHHHHHHHH.

Lols fuck man.

So Mom & Dad both leaving for Shanghai in Sept and I wanna fucking go. Mom coming back in two weeks and it's like WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I COME WITH?! School starts on the 22nd .. and we'll be back by then. Ugh. I don't like the fact that my dad is gonna be there for two months so it's just gonna be me and my mom. Lols.

But I think there might be a chance that I get to go with them tooooooo. Yay ^^

Oh and I seriously need to lose some effing weight. Went jogging today.. for like 30minutes in the back yard. It was okay but I hate it too cause there's so many people downstairs , and LOL I don't wanna run in front of them.

Maybe I will go later from now on. I don't know. I hope I can stick with it. I mean ugh, fucking Peter & Benson both lost so much weight & I can do it too. Cause I'm tired of MY BIG BUTT, THIGHS, HIPS, WAIST, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

And I still want heart shaped nipples..

FUCK MY DAD NEEDS TO COME HOME; IM EFFING STARVINGGGGGG.

FUCK BEING SO EMOTIONAL.

I WANT MYSELF BACK.

Ugh, movie left me so shaken.. I find all of that stuff interesting but it makes me so sick knowing that girl went through all of that.

I wish you would have stayed though cause times like this I really want to fall asleep with someone. But I'm not gonna be so dependent and clingy.

Fuck that.

Besides not like you wanted to. Ugh I don't even know! You only call me to watch a movie and not even catch up on things.

Ah, whatever. There are other guys who actually wants to have a conversation with me. And besides knowing you don't want to talk to me just makes me feel more awkward around you.

Haha what happened to the days where you actually found me interesting? And actually enjoyed my company? Ahh, IDK! Who knows what will happen.

My life is just @@@@@@ =_=
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I just counted; 14 on one arm and 22 on the other.

They're not very noticeable cause they are only a few shades different from my skin color but the recent ones are.

Little marks left by my moms fingernails....

I wish they would go away
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Mom leaving for Utah tomorrow; a few days of peace and quiet.

I never really noticed before but today I was in the car and looked in the mirror and saw my arms..

On both of my forearms I have .. I don't know what to call them but when scabs sometimes fall off they leave a scar.

And I have a few of them on both plus recent scratch marks that haven't healed.

I never noticed till today and I look like a crack whore or something that shots up daily...

Ugh I hate it. I hate this.

Thank you mother dearest for giving me these ugly scars.
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Why life so eff'ed up?

Boy#1: I liked him last summer and he liked me but then we stopped talking and met again this summer in Aug. That week when we started talking again, I was a mess and I just wanted to be alone and be all in up in my emo corner. And he was telling me things like how he wants to be close like best friends and turn into maybe something more. I got scared and I ignored for him like two weeks and now I'm kind of interested cause that time I just wasn't ready.. so I made up some bs excuse to talk to him again, but now he's kind of ignoring me. Lols, I think he gave up cause our conversation is just nothing.. he doesn't tease me anymore or anything. And the one thing I really liked about him was that he made me laugh. Now we just talk about the weather. Yeah, lovely.

Boy#2: He liked me last year and we were friends, but I knew he liked me and he's the type of boy that just wants every girl he sees. I didn't want to go and deal with that and not to mention he's kind of touchy and I'm not attracted to him like that..but now he's telling me how he loves me still and wants to be close again. Uhm, we were never close to begin with but again, he makes me laugh and there are some cute stuff that he does/says. But I'm not exactly all that interested.. I don't like how everything always turns to sex or whatever and it's uncomfortable talking to him about that stuff.

Boy#3: I didn't want to drift apart from him but I knew that was gonna happen and now I'm not exactly sure how I feel. I kind of want to be with him, but he doesn't cause his feelings are no longer there. And every time I talk to him, he gets me so frustrated and pissed off. He's not like the other guys, that actually wants to talk to me.. I don't know. It's like with him I feel so .. UGH. Cause he always finds excuses to not talk to me and stuff so what's the point? And when we're on the phone.. I just go and hide in my little shell and I don't even know why. How is it that I can talk to other people just fine, but with him, I fucking lose my mind.

Ah, I'm tired. I don't know what's gonna happen, but I'm tired so I'm just gonna sit back and relax watch how things go.

How come everytime I talk to you I end up getting so stressed out.

And when I talk to others I don't.

And when I talk to others its more like.. normal.

Idk. You're too busy for me; what's the point. & things will always be so ugh.
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Dead and gone

Its hopeless. So hopeless..

The truth is you never wanted me and you never loved me.

You moved on.

Nothing you say or do will change how I feel anymore.

I've been so hurt by you that I'm forever damaged and nothing can ever fix that.

I just want to feel wanted.. Give it up. Its not happening..

Nothing will ever be the same.. I really just want to...

This is too much for me to handle.
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I never knew I can hurt this much.

All your words are echoing back at.

I don't care. I don't want you. I don't like you. I don't love you.

These tears won't stop and I can't stop shaking and I'm trying so hard not to cry out loud.

Oh God, it hurts so bad.

What do I do.. you moved on. There's nothing more.

After everything I've done for you... you still don't love me. What more can I do? Nothing..

I don't think I can make it. I've lost it all. Everything. Nothing left.

Maybe its time I left too.

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I don't think I've ever felt this low in my life before.

And I can't this anymore.. every part of my body hurts. I've never been this depressed before and I feel like everything gets to me nowadays.

All this time, I've been trying to prove to you that maybe I am worth it but you just prove to me over and over again that I'm not.

That I'm not worth the fight for. You move on. You give up. You walk away.

What am I? I'm like this worthless girl that loves you.

I can't take it anymore.

I just want to be appreciated and loved. I did everything I can. I don't know what else to do. I've tried so hard and now I'm just tired.

I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of feeling this way.

I don't want to try again. I don't want this all over again. I don't want to go and talk to someone else. I don't want to prove myself again.

I'm just tired.

I try and try. I don't know what else to do. Give up and move on right?

How do I even do that?

I JUST WANT TO KNOW THAT I'M NOT WORTHLESS AND THAT I'M WORTH FIGHTING FOR.

I can't take it anymore. I can't even describe everything I'm feeling. It's too much for me to handle ..

I don't even want to live anymore; this is how I'm feeling every single day of my life and I just really can't.

I reallyreally do just want to disappear forever. I don't want to feel anything anymore.

So this is how it feels like to be completely broken.

To know that no one understands and not a single person cares.

To lose all of your hope and to be stuck at this place. I try to pick myself up, but I always end up falling deeper and deeper.

To give apart of yourself to someone else and in the end you're left with nothing.

What do I need? What do I want?

I want to be cared for, I want to be loved. I need someone who won't give up on me. I'm filled with mistakes and faults, but I'm just me.

But I don't have that person, do I? Because in the end..

I'm left with nothing.

And in the end,

I'm me. And you're you.

I'm just the girl who loved you too much and you're just the boy who loved me too little.

08212010

Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oINCeYxp2Vk
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lslp50M8lNU
Part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6n9N-_3QsKY

We don't have a place to return to.

I shouldn't base my life off something I see or hear, but I tend to do that a lot, don't I? I guess it's just how I am.

And they took the easy way out didn't they?

Along the way, I've lost every bit of myself and I don't think I can ever pick up myself again. I'm not a strong girl and I tend to let my emotions get the better of me.

But I have tried. I tried so very hard, but it always comes crashing down for me. These break downs I have just gets me so very tired.

I'm tired. Just thinking about everything.. all that I've done makes me tired.

Because I know better now. Because I know that no matter what I do, you're never going to love me. Because it's never going to be me.

I haven't moved on and I'm always gonna be stuck in the past.

I don't want to be a burden to anyone anymore. And even this.. isn't exactly right, but I know that somehow it'll make things right again for everyone.

No more worrying, no more disappointment and no more resentment.

No more anything.

Lols. So you actually went & yaknow unblocked me & whatnot so what's this whole point of ignoring me if you're gonna do that?

Like seriously? It's been one frigging month; omgosh. Fuck man, this shit pisses me off so much. Like REALLY? Wtf is your problem. You think ignoring me & shit is gonna make everything better?

No. It's not even that.

IT'S THE FACT THAT YOU THINK IT'S OKAY FOR YOU TO GO AROUND IGNORING ME & EVEN GO AS FAR AS PRETENDING SOME THINGS NEVER HAPPENED; that really ticks me off.

Lols asshole, it's not OKAY. YOu don't know what I fucking went through cause of all the shit. Cause of YOU & it's not fucking OKAY. Seriously, FUCK YOU.

It's the fact that how you can do something like that. HOW YOU CAN DO SOMETHING SO MESSED UP LIKE THAT. How you can just shut me out and turn your back on me, in the worst time of my life. I've been so filled up with frustration and hurt and I feel like my hearts gone cold. & all I feel is hurthurthurt, but no one knows and no one understands.

How I loved you, but you decide that it's OKAY to go & do that. That it's OKAY to block my number & shit. To TURN YOUR DAMN BACK ON ME.

What I have ever done that was so horrible to you?

How ALL I WANT IS SOME DAMN CLOSURE and I can't even get that from you. Because you're too selfish and all you can think about YOURSELF and now about how your actions are hurting SOMEONE ELSE.

This bed is so comfy. Nothing to do & I'm bored ):

I miss you & I wanna text you but ugh ..

I don't get you =_= ughhhhh, seriously. Asdfghbk.

Maybe I will have a clearer head tomorrow. T_T I don't like this tho ugh I don't even know.
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I'm so tired.. My phone died in the morning & we were on that damn tour bus for at least ten hours.

Drove from upstate down to Washington D.C where we're staying at now. From a 4 star hotel last night down graded to a three star today; ugh. Its okay cause I'm gonna be home tomorrow night. Yay ^^

Really sleepy but I don't wanna sleep yet.

I wonder what you're doing now, lols =_= ughh I hope you don't party hard cause I know mad people go crazy on their 21st. Sighhs..
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Lols wow really. Man fuck it. Seriously. Kay. Can't believe I fucking waited up to 12 and tried so damn hard not to fall asleep. LOLWOW.
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I'm here. You're there.

Honestly I shouldn't even be doing this. But I'm a stupid girl & well ..

I wanna be the first one to wish you a happy birthday just like how you were the first one to tell me happy birthday. But you don't even remember that now and all those other stuff..

And you know, you got all these girls dreaming about you and whatnot and I'm just another one in the crowd..

I'm so tired and my eyes are just dropping but I'm staying up until 12. Sigh. I'm such a stupid girl..
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Lying in bed in my hotel room feeling so tired. Ugh worst time for this trip seriously..

My fucking period came today while I was waiting all week for it..=_=

My stomach is growling and there's nothing to eat. I'm the guest so I can't be rude ..

I hate this. I want to go home. I miss Fifi.
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I just saw the most amazing night view and I really wished that you were there with me.

It was too dark for any pictures to come out clearly. We were on the New York side looking at Toronto with the Niagara falls beside us. There were this rainbow colored lights cascading over the falls.

It was the most amazing sight I've ever seen.
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I think I'm about to fucking die. For the past week I've been barely getting any sleep and now I'm Niagara falls...

I want to curl up in bed right now & cuddle up with a Misterrr John Roldan. ROFL this is what happens when you don't get any sleep; you get delusional.
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I can't take this anymore.

I can't even...

I just want to go away.. somewhere far far away & never come back..

I FUCKING MISS YOU. I MISS YOUR VOICE. I MISS YOUR LAUGH. I MISS YOU BEING STUPID & IMMATURE. I MISS STAYING UP WITH YOU & FALLING ASLEEP WITH YOU AT NIGHT. I MISS WATCHING MOVIES WITH YOU. I EVEN MISS WATCHING WATCHING PORN WITH YOU. I MISS TALKING TO YOU ABOUT RANDOM THINGS. I MISS BEING STUPID AROUND YOU & FEELING SO COMFORTABLE.

I JUST MISSING BEING WITH YOU.

& I WANT IT BACK. I WANT IT ALL BACK.

Family History

I think I grew up a little bit today..

We were at lunch and my dad starts talking about our family; his side.

I always knew that my grandfather was in jail for awhile. And I knew that my dad, his mother and three sisters were really poor cause of the government and all the revolts going around that time with the Chinese Civil War.

I learned today that my grandfather had opened up a factory manufacturing pens and ink while my grandmother stayed home and take care of the kids. But then came the Civil War and the government seized the factory and sending my grandfather to jail for a few years. During that time, there was only my grandmother to take care of my dad and his three sisters. My grandmother found a job as a teacher and they lived in poverty for awhile.

And then time passed and the war ended and my grandfather was released out of prison. I don't know what happened after that but somewhere along the line my dad became an executive for Johnson & Johnson company & then came me.

My grandmother's sisters family were pretty well off during that time though. One of her daughters (my ai-yei) married into the "Ni" family who were high officials with the government at the time and they had pretty much a lot of power in the society back then. But she made it on her on as well, travellling to Taiwan and then coming to the US back in 1970's and eventually working for the UN. She's eighty now and we see her during the holidays.

Then there's my mom's side which I'm really not all that clear on. My mom has 3 sisters and 2 brothers. One older brother and one older sister passed away. My grandmother (on mom's side) married twice and my mom and her younger brother are from the second husband (my grandfather who passed away shortly after I was born. I remember sitting on his lap while he gave me candy; that's the only memory I have of him.) I don't know anything about my mom side of the family.. I know that my mom was the CEO of a leather company or something and she was pretty well off. Both my parents were business.. people?

I remember back in our house in Shangahai, my grandfather (dad's side) would come every week and take me to the park and he used to say how I would grow up with a big butt. Lols =_= I kind miss him. He died back in 2002.

Today listening to my dad talk about our family and I've always been interested in history stuff and that got me so curious. I come from a good family.. or at least from a successful background and it made me realize I don't want to keep slacking off anymore. I know that I made a big mistake by dropping out of high school but I'm gonna be more levelheaded now and focus on my future.

I keep changing what I want to do. I even went as far as changing my course to fashion design and then the semester ended and I decided to switch to LGA to enroll in the Vet Tech program. And thinking about it now, I could have transferred to a Uni with a Veterinary program even though it's all out of state. So why did I chose LGA with Vet Tech?

Honestly I don't know what I want to do anymore. I don't want to stay in NY. I want to go back to Shanghai. It seems like almost everyone in my family is the business type of person. My mom, my dad, my aunt and uncle, my uncle in Australia (mom's side), and my cousin (mom's side), his parents too (my aunt&uncle). Do I want to follow that road too? I'm so confused. I don't know what I want to do anymore.

I want to crawl into my bed and fall asleep and wake up to find things are okay again.

Everyday feels like a routine or something and I don't want to be so depressed anymore. I don't want to be lonely anymore and yet at the same time I don't want to go to anyone and cry out my problems.

I don't want to live like this anymore. I hate this. I just want ...

And I don't know what to do. It fells like every things falling apart and I don't have any energy to do anything expect watch it go apart.

I wish someone would walk into my life and be like "hey, I know what it feels like and every things gonna be okay now cause I'm here."
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Omgosh ...

I hate this. Why is it that every time, I'm okay and I'm doing good, it all ends up crashing down. Can I not be so emotional? I'm trying not to fall apart but seriously I know it's sooner or later before I'm crying my eyes out.

It's like I feel it coming.. Yup..Ugh, I can't fucking take this.

I couldn't sleep. So I went on my computer.

I found a pair of pink pumps. I've been wanting a pair since forever.

Their 6inches.. IDC. I'M GETTING THEM! Wow.

5'7 + '6 = 6'1

Lol.. seriously FML!

Its okay. $30 from Wetseal & I just ordered them. Oh gosh.

My dad's gonna kill me.

60$ for Sims
100$ for clothes from F21
30$ for shoes from Wetseal.

I didn't tell him I used yet =_=

Lol, great. I'm lying in bed trying to sleep but I end up thinking about what I'm gonna wear tomorrow. Now I can't sleep!

New dress from wetseal. ; not too short or shows too much cleavage. Thank god =_=
Guess heels
LV wristlet
Simple? Yes!

Oh I can't wait ! :D
Going to 5th Ave with aunt and cousin again. & dad is driving so nothing to worry about. I think tomorrow is gonna be perfect.

Clothes & shopping & 5th Ave makes me happy.
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sarenaa tran 1:30 am (1:30:59 AM): hi jesseyyyyyyyyy are you alright? you just sound stressed the fuck with your last blog :(

Like REALLLLLLYYYYYYYYY?

jesseyy wu. says:
omg johns ex just im'ed me..
Jenn says:
ehh
jesseyy wu. says:
omg
Jenn says:
why?
jesseyy wu. says:
i guess she means
jesseyy wu. says:
tumblr
Jenn says:
wtf?
jesseyy wu. says:
LOL
jesseyy wu. says:
fml .
jesseyy wu. says:
fml .
jesseyy wu. says:
fml
jesseyy wu. says:
yea
Jenn says:
wow
jesseyy wu. says:
i wrote
jesseyy wu. says:
about john
jesseyy wu. says:
LOL
Jenn says:
lol i'm going to look at your tumblr now
Jenn says:
LOL
jesseyy wu. says:
its not even
jesseyy wu. says:
its just a little
Jenn says:
yea
Jenn says:
it's not much
Jenn says:
wow she's nosy
Jenn says:
lol

LOL YEAH EXACTLY -_-. Seriously FUCK OFFFF!

Four days without her was lovely. And now she's back & everything..

I can't even begin to.. somethings I wish you let me die in the damn garbage or where ever it was you found me at.

I'm the worst daughter ever? What do you want me to do? I'M NEVER GONNA LIVE UP TO YOUR EXCEPTIONS OKAY?

Is it wrong of me to actually hate my own mother? There are times where I really really hate you, for everything. For all the things you've said to me. And I can't even .. some of the things.. like really? My own mother would say that to me?

And ever since I was little.. I WAS FUCKING FIVE YEARS OLD. FIVE OKAY? But you would go & hit me cause I didn't understand some of my math problems..

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I'm almost TWENTY YEARS OLD. Give me my freedom. I WANT TO BE INDEPENDENT.

You have no idea, how badly I want to move out. And I know how badly you want me to. But what can I do. Where can I go?

These days seeing the Aunt & Cousin being so close.. just makes me all sick. CAUSE ME & MY SURE AIN'T LIKE THAT.

Fifi's the only one that stands up for me. Even though he doesn't understand, he still can see and when you come up at me at least he comes biting and you stuff. My dad? He does nothing.. Stands there and closes the door or something.. and even if he tries to say something, she gets even more mad..

I wish I had a real family... or something..

The ones that imapct my life.. I thought about them today.

Eric
You were a lot of my firsts. The first boy that I was with for more than a month. The first real relationship, the first love in some ways. We were so young back then and that summer with you was the best summer of my life. When I first met you, I never thought that we would actaully be together. You lived in Staten Island and you were going out with Linh. And yeah, I had a crush on you big time. I met you at Chris' party and I remember seeing and thought you were so cute, and I liked you a lot. I mean you were just so fun to hang out with. Remember that time we went to Coney Island and you were all teasing me cause I couldn't swim. And how we just spent that afternoon at the beach, playing in the water? Yeah that day was amzaing. I never thought that you would break up with your girlfriend for me. But you did, and even though I said I was mad at you for that, but secretly that made me really happy. It wasn't just that though, it was the fact that we clicked so well. I can't even explain what we had, but it was real, wasn't it? I think the first time I realized that I loved you was when we were at Kimmy's house and we were throwing coco puffs at each other and you laughed at how there were some stuck in my hair. I know it's weird, but I remember looking over at you and was just like "wow I love him." And then came the night when you told me that you were moving to Alhambra. You promised that by the time you were eighteen you would go buy an airplane ticket and come back to NY. I went home that night and cried myself to sleep. That was the first time I cried over anyone.. And we both tried the long distance, but it wasn't the same. Those five months and that summer.. all those feelings will never be the same again. And that's okay. We'll always have that summer to look back on. I think of you from time to time, but I know that things happen for a reason. And I don't blame you for moving away and us, our relationship; it's just one of those things that's bittersweet, and I'm okay with it.

Daniel
I met you during that Winter, when I was sixteen. I liked you cause you were so much older and I liked the attention; that an older guy actually likes me. Honestly I don't think you would've liked me back or anything cause you told me yourself you weren't looking for a relationship. Those days I was really crazy over you. Going to so much parties just hoping that you'd be there and catch a glimpse of you. But I don't know what happened, cause all of a sudden you started asking me to chill with you and asking me to go to KTV's with you. And everyone started assuming that I was your "girl" and I guess it just sort of happened. I was happy for awhile, but I seriously hated the gang. I don't know how many times I worried over you after all the fights and shit. I hated all the guys you'd hang out with and all the things they use to say. I can't even.. but I never been with someone who was so much older than me and I liked the.. thrill of it. And I started cutting school just to be with you during the day cause you worked so much during the night and I didn't want to lose you. My life revolved around you and soon I forgot all about school.. I blame you for me dropping out. And cause of you I gained so much damn weight. Yeah, I blame you too. I really regret everything.. For awhile I thought you were my forever after, but then all you do is just hang out with your friends, and barely even go to work. You can't even support yourself and I don't know how many times I tried to talk to you about it. Even though you're so much older than me, you still act like you were so immature. I regret that one year that I was with you. All the shit.. and espically dropping out of high school for you. Everything. I regret everything. Yeah, I can honestly say that I hate you. I really do. And I'm a fucking balloon now cause of you. But seriously, I was such a happy girl before you, then you came into my life and knocked everything down for me. I don't think I'll ever be the same again and I hate you for it.

John
UGH I CAN'T EVEN. NOT NOW.

When will I ever learn?

No matter how hard I try to escape reality it always comes back to get me. No matter how hard I try to forget, its always there lingering in the back of my mind.

So I'm not going to pretend anymore and just accept the facts. All of it.

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每一天没有你,我的世界 很灰,很灰.
冬天久要很快. 我们也没有啦.

Lols, NO. Not even gonna think about it.

Tonight every things coming out..I can't even describe it. I feel so worthless, like I'm not even worth taking the risk for. I try and I try and I try. I go through all lengths and this is what I get back.

But you've been wanting to leave since day one. I hate everything. I hate you. I hate myself. I feel so fat and ugly. I feel like shit.

Why couldn't you have just loved me for me. Take me for who I am. I feel like I'm such a horrible person. Why couldn't you have just loved me. Didn't you know that I would've been the last person to hurt you. Why couldn't you have seen all of that?

And why couldn't you just have been straight forward with me. Telling me that you loved me as a friend but getting jealous over other guys at the same time?

What am I? Just someone who you can toy around with? I don't think you even once considered how I might be feeling.
I loved you. I truly did. You weren't exactly faithful with me. You can deny all you want but you know the truth yourself.

I give and I give and I give. I put in so much effort after all those times that you just toss me aside. Guess I was really that easy to let go.

I let you and I put in every bit to make things work out. I never gave up on you. I refused to see the bad on you. And I stood by you. I tried being a true friend to you in every way. That kind of loyalty is what you don't see every day.

I got jealous more times than I count but how can I not. You had me and I wanted you. You were a great mystery to me and I just wanted to figure you out. You were always a private person and I just wanted you to let me in.

Knowing how close you and other people were really got to me. You were the only person who got to know me really well and I wanted that in return. I wanted to tell you secrets and vice versa.

I wanted you to trust me.

I wanted too much and you wanted too little. I gave it my all. And in the end I lost.

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I can't take it anymore. Why the fuck am I always crashing & it just gets worse & worse every time around.

I don't know how to let all my feelings out. I'm feeling all this shit & idk what to do...
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Ugh I hate girls like these. NO I HATE PEOPLE LIKE THIS.

LIKE DUDE, IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM JUST COME OUT WITH IT. Why the fuck you trying to be all nice & shit. In the end your just gonna be caught up in drama.

Yeah okay, I talk about bitches behind their back all of the time, but if a problem with someone I'm not GONNA FUCKING IGNORE THEM & TALK ABOUT IT BEHIND THEIR BACKS. If I don't want to talk to you & shit then I'LL TELL YOU STRAIGHT OUT TO LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE. -_- Fucking idiots.

Like when me, Kimmy & Junie had a falling out years ago. Damn, we were such fucking bitches back then. LOL.

I should be happy right? So why do I feel so .. HORRIBLE! :(

Gonna go shop more tomorrow. Then Thursday I'll be out of NY. So how come I just don't even feel so good. Fuck, man. I can't take this..

Oh my gosh.

Actually SHOPPING on 5th Ave. I have no idea how many years I dreamed of this day. ROFL. I mean all I've been doing all these years is just window shopping, cause I can't afford anything from these stores! Expect maybe, Armani & A&F.

So the first store we went to were Hermes & my aunt wanted a Birkin bag. That bag alone coasted 9g. Shopping with her is so much fun!

Birkin bag, scarf, two belts, one watch, & a scarf ring came out to be around 20g. & this woman is crazy, she goes around Manhattan carrying that much money.

After that we went to Chanel & she bought me a bottle of perfume & I felt kind of bad using her money! But she insisted!

Then we went back on 5th Ave & shopped around. I was trying on this pair of Pradas & I really wanted it. But the heels were around $1,100. I couldn't have possibly have her buy it for me. Rofls.

& LV store. She bought another bag & I wanted this wristlet & bag. Ugh, again so much money. Sighs!

But shopping with them were so fun though. My cousin, her daughter, isn't all that interested in clothes but much more in makeup. Too bad there we didn't see any today. It's okay though, Woodbury tomorrow. More shopping to do.

Downstairs earlier tonight. My dress was too short so I ended up wearing a skirt underneath it & it turned out pretty nice. No one could tell that it was a two piece.

Cardigan was from F21.
Dress from Wetseal
Skirt from Charlotte Russe
Shoes from Steve Madden

At first I thought I was a little bit too over dressed cause it was just dinner but the mother, my aunt, I guess & her daughter, cousin, was dressed pretty nice too.

SO IT'S 5:57 & I HAVE TO WAKE UP IN..3 MINUTES TO GO TO THE CITY. I HAVEN'T SLEPT YET.. UGH GOSH. I SHOULD BE SLEEPING BUT INSTEAD I'M ON TUMBLR& HERE. -_____-

I CAN'T DO THIS. MY EYES ARE PUFFY & SORE FROM CRYING. MY NOSE IS RUNNING. MY THROAT HURTS & I FEEL A TUMMYACE COMING..

I'm tired of feeling like this.

I'm tired of the lonely nights, the empty days. I'm tired of having no one to turn to. I'm tired of no one being here for me. I haven't lost my morals. I'm just tired of being alone.

But I'm not giving anything. I'm not giving any of me. I'm not gonna lose myself, the way I did with you.

You might not want me, but someone else sure does.

11:17PM; off to bed. Have to wake up at 6am tomorrow & meet up with the relatives. Taking them around the city.. sigh!

UGH SO MUCH FOR SLEEPING, I CAN'T FALL ASLEEP T_T

Dinner was short.

So. My dad had a younger sister who died before I was born. She and her husband had a son & later on the husband remarried to a woman who was divorced with her a daughter.

The four of them came to US to visit.

The daughter is two months older than me. The son is a little bit older, not that sure.

I never met them before. It was interesting. The daughter & the son. Omlord. Definitely more than normal bro & sis relationship. WEIRDDDDDDD!

& the daughter is so much skinner than me & I just feel so damn fat next to her! :(

The mother is a fashion designer in Shanghai who owns lots of boutiques! Omgosh, I wanna be just like her! & I thought they were some old hillbilly couple. NOPEEE! They seem fun though & we're gonna be shopping, shopping, shopping. (:

She wants to buy a Hermes bag & we're gonna go shopping on 5th Ave! The bag alone costs 1~2grand. Sighs.

To dinner with my dad's relatives who just came in from Shanghai. I think I'm a little uhmm... underdressed..

I feel like a damn giant in my heels T_______T.. I'm probably 6' in them..

I love that cardigan though. The back is so pretty. But every time I go out in a short skirt I feel so dalkfjsalkjfsdalkjf. Like I feel everyone would be point at my legs & go "damn, her thighs are huge" or something like that! SIGH. ... Ugh I don't like it...

I hate this feeling that I'm feeling..

It hurts so much it feels like my heart is gonna explode..

He is not the right one if he:

• is too scared to meet your parents
• doesn’t want to meet your friends
• doesn’t come to greet you at the door when he picks you up
• won’t hold your hand in front of his friends
• loves [insert object here] more than you
• Puts himself selfishly before you
• puts you down in public
• can’t actually call you his girlfriend
• is too possessive
• hits you or physically hurts you
• discriminates against you (religion, race etc.)
• says “I love you” in the first week
• hangs out with his female friends more than you
• convinces you to isolate yourself from your friends, so you have no one else to depend on but him
• reads your text messages without your permission
• hides the fact that you are his girlfriend from his parents
• only texts and never calls
• cant figure out that you are absolutely wonderful in every way, shape and form

He could be the right one if he:

• loves you despite all of your struggles
• respects and accepts who you are
• takes you to meet his parents who have already heard so much about you
• keeps in touch

So I woke up at 12 & met up with Sunny to go to the new Century 21. Ugh I only slept for a few hours .. I couldn't sleep last night so I went downstairs & sat on the bench & watched the sunrise.. bad idea cause I ended up getting 4 huge mosquito bites on the back of my thigh.. ugh. I was so close to slipping last night! But I'm proud I didn't & just went upstairs to bed.

Oh, me & Sunny were talking about plastic surgery & I think I wanna.. HAHAIDK! But I know Blake Lively got a little plastic surgery done & she loooks so goooood! I wish mine looked like that !

Anyways, got back to Flushing around 5ish & I was texting Gary. He wanted to chill for the past week now, but I kept holding him off. But he was asking if I wanted to go to the movies & since Erika got off work, so I bought the two of them. Haha it was kind of awkward but it was okaay.

Gary's cool though & he's kind of cute in a erm.. loserish kind of way.LOL. He's like a little bro & I kind of missed him. Haven't seen him since Nov when we went to the Show Lou concert. Can't believe he's gonna be a junior this year. I remember when I used to fucking babysit him. LMAO. Wow I'm getting so damn old!

Watched Grown Ups.. again.. & we were gonna go eat, but he had a curfew. ROFL! & we were on the bus, some guy comes up to me & goes "nice legs" & Gary who was standing next to me was like, "thanks" Haha. But yeaaaah, he went home & the three of us went to Sentosa & just got home now.

Oh & kind of excited for the ISA concert in two weeks? Haha, haven't been to Webster Hall on a longgg time. But the NY lineup sucks T__T. Jaebeom is going to be at the LA ISA Concert.. sighs.. I wanted to see him!

I thought I was fine. Then I see something and I start imaging you with other girls, your ex's, whoever and it drives me nuts..

Just you. intimate. with someone else.

Why do I get so damn jealous.. LOLS I CAN'T TAKE IT.

But it's okay. I'll be fine. OVEROVEROVEROVER IT. OVERYOU!

FUCK. MY. LIFE.

I like how TWO of your EXS are following me on tumblr<3.

No matter what I do, all I think about is you :/

6:39AM; just got out of the shower & I'm DEADDDDD TIRED. I should go sleep, but I got so much shit on my mind. Guess I'll get them down when I wake up, hopefully I'll still remember!

& .. it's been exactly two weeks.

I DON'T THINK I HAVE THE BALLS TO WEAR THIS OUT TONIGHT@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@LOL FML! T_T...

UGH. So damn frustrated.

First of all, I DON'T WANNA TALK TO YOU & LISTEN TO YOUR DAMN PROBLEMS. I don't fucking care. Isn't that pretty obvious from how I ignore you all the damn time? Leave me alone -_- I don't care about it!

I'm finding everyone to be really all damn annoying. CAN I JUST BE ALONE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD?

& UGHH, FUCKING BOBO. Seriously, I know she broke your heart and shit, BUT WTF. You're asking me to pretend to be Tracey and tell you "I love you"................................

I'M NOT FUCKING TRACEY. I'M GONNA GOING TO TELL YOU I LOVE YOU. Okay it sucks seeing you cry over her & shit, so I'll be here if you wanna talk, but I'm gonna go fucking do that. Sigh I don't even know what to say about that -_- But seriously calling me every night at 3~5am crying about Tracey and asking me to pretend to be her is DRIVING ME NUTS.

This is why I NEVER PICK UP ANY OF YOUR CALLS. -_- & this is why my phone is always off. Ugh. CAN PEOPLE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE.

Does this make me seem like a two faced bitch? I don't care. I rather VENT about here then bitch at them about it. UGH, this is just pissing me off even more. MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GO BITCH AT THEM -_-.

Fucking shit, man.

PS. I HATE THE WAY YOU LAUGH. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY. ITS UGLY. YOU SOUND LIKE A THE FUCKING WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST? WEST? & YOUR UGLY TOO & LIKE SERIOUSLY. HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA COME TO ME ASK ME TO TALK WHEN YOU WEREN'T HERE FOR ME. SO WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I BE HERE FOR YOU. DON'T HAVE YOU OTHER FRIENDS TO TALK TO?

Your birthdays in 13 days.. & even though you ruined my birthday, I had always wanted to be there for yours.

I bought a you a birthday gift. Well, it's more like.. yeah. Haha, that was stupid.

WOW -_- what is wrong with me. I DON'T MISS YOU. I DON'T NEED YOU. I DON'T WANT YOU.

Kay. I really don't!

& I'm going to bed, gotta wake up early tomorrow. I think I'm gonna go cry myself to sleep now. LOLNOT!

LOL. Bitch how about NO! You think I'm gonna come talking to you after you stood me up and not bother caring about how I am for two weeks. Then all of a sudden your mad confused about something, you come asking me for my advice..

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. -_- Fucking bitches. Really pisses me off. Where the fuck were you when I was a mess? No where in sight.

Ugh. I'm tired of just.. being there for everyone else or whatever & no one's ever around for me. Fuck that. Pisses me off so much.

No. Fuck that. I don't care anymore. Fuck it -_-

FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!

Okay I don't care anymore (: Have fun getting back with Anita !
DONE FOR REAL!

Today was fun (:

Woke up at 12.. slept for four hours only. Ugh. Met up with Erika & Sunny.
Went to Macys for a couple of hours.
Red Mango & got our nails done.
Then we came back & made tacos. Haha!


Made a mess in my kitchen. T__T. They left & I just cleaned up. So tired..

Life is okay. So much stuff on my mind though.

Sunny&Erika
We were best friends in eighth grade. The three of us did everything together. Well sort of. Back then it was fun. Then high school started & everything fell apart. Lost contact with Sunny for awhile then in senior year, the three of us became close again. T__T. I love them. I really do, but I don't even know. Things just feel so.. ehh with them now.

Sigh. I don't know. I'm not sinking into depression or anything but it's like even though I love them & everything, it just doesn't feel right anymore. I'm not sure how to explain..

It's like I have close friends I guess, but not a best friend. I don't tell them about fucking JOHN -_-. Cause they won't understand & I don't want to go into detail. They've been so damn busy with school.. and volunteer and whatever. & we've been just kind of on our own lately. I guess. & THEY STILL ARE BUSY. -___- doing work now.

It seems like everything changed. I changed I guess. I don't feel like I FIT IN anymore. I mean it's like I have different groups of friends. Ugh. But I barely talk to the ABBC people now. Not since last summer at least. I feel so damn lost sometimes.

I just want to get on a plane and leave New York. I want to leave US! I don't know. I just want to go somewhere and meet new people. I'm tired of living here. I wanna go to Shanghai... I miss it so much. Not like I'd fit in there with my 'family' though. -_- LOL. Everyone hates me cause I'm supposedly doing so much better cause I'm in "mei guo". Lol bs -_- I hate them too! Whatever fuckers. I don't even know any of them though...& they don't fucking know me , BUT THEY FUCKING JUDGE ME ALL THE TIME. Like LOLstfu.

Sigh. Only the big auntie.. and her family. But she passed away .. three years ago.. I miss her so much.. she was more of a mother to me than my MOM or god mother. I miss her.. Her death anniversary is coming up in Sept.. I want to go visit her grave or something. I just miss her so much and she really understood me...

& then there's her son & his wife. They have a baby now ... it used to be fun. But at least we still have two apartments in Shanghai. I want to go back so badly. But I can't just leave everything and go. I don't know. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Well I wish that you would call me right now
so that I could get through to you somehow
but I guess its safe to say, baby
safe to say
that I Im officially missing you

If that's Love - Lucy Hale (acoustic)

I was watching CSI & she started singing that song. Sigh. No DL link. No full version. Nothing. There's only these two.. erm fast versions? T_T

I should go sleep.. Sigh. Not gonna bother.

I simply miss you a lot tonight. & I want nothing more than to hear your voice right now & coo me to sleep.

You say love is letting you do what you want
Even if the things that you do will start to ruin how I'm feeling inside
You're always out all night then you try to tell me lies
Because you think that you can say three little words and I'll be spending the night

You come around and you take and you take and you take
You tear me down and I break and I break and I break
Then you tell me that you love me baby but is that what you call love?

If that's love I'm giving up
My heart can't take it anymore
If that's all it's not enough
You'll watch me walk right out that door
It's like you said before, it's nothing personal
I must be moving on
If that's love, then I'm gone

I wish that you were here with me
But we’re stuck where we are
And it’s so hard, you’re so far

...

I'm too emotional. I know. I'm not gonna let my emotions get the best of me. BUT GOD, I HAVE FEELINGS TOO..

And even though I try to push it aside, and just ignore it, it doesn't work. I crumble. I get so weak. I hate it. I can't cry. I can't cry. I can't cry.

I feel like I'm about to explode and break down. But what good does crying do? Nothing. It still doesn't change anything.

WOW FUCKING KIMMY. I'm sitting here in my fucking happy mood & she fucking im's me & says "i didnt watch eclipse... cause i wanted to watch it with him"

& now I'm thinking about all the movies I wanna watch with you.

& HOW YOU SAID YOU WOULD WATCH UP WITH ME..-_________-

Lols, it's okay. At least I have Kimmy, rofls. All we do is tumblr & watch movies together. Living the good life. LMAO! I fucking miss her though T_T

Carrie & Mister Big.

Kind if ironic his name is John too. But after being married for two years, Carrie felt like they were becoming this old boring couple, and she missed the sparkle. She liked going out in the city every night while he just wanted to stay home and watch TV.

That was how I felt in a way. I felt like we were an old married couple and I wanted that spark. But too bad your not Mr. Big cause he truly loved her and wanted to work things out. Every couple has their boundaries and sets up their rules.

You always pushed me away and never let me settle into your heart. I don't know. Life isn't a movie. But I sure wish it was, so we'd get our happy ending too.

I think I just binged. I don't even know if that's the right word for it..So I wanted to go get food cause I was finally getting my appetite back and I walked into my kitchen to see dinner on the counter. I don't know what came over me, but I just went and started standing there just eating the food.

Egg with tomatoes. I ate like half of the bowl.. Then my mom came in and saw I was eating and started bitching and was saying how there was no more left or whatever. Well gee Mom, if you payed more attention you would have noticed I've been barely eating for more than a week now.

But after she bitched at me, I just got so.. I don't know how to describe the feeling. But I went and threw up. I got so nauseated? Or whatever and threw up everything..I don't know whats wrong me with me lately..

I think my parents know that I took so much damn advil and tried killing myself. LOLwtf was I thinking and when did I become so EMO?! But like it was creepy cause a few days ago I saw my dad like peeking at my from my door? Ugh I don't know. It was weird. Well not like I'm gonna do that again. But ever since.. I just can't seem to eat anything cause it upsets my stomach. But it's okay. Not like I go starving myself or anything.

Oh yeah, I kind of want to get my tongue pierced again. And I kind of don't. I miss my piercings though and all I have now is just my ear lobes.. Lols, I miss playing with my tongue ring. I don't know! But Jen's like begging me to go to that piercing place with her. Ugh how about NO? Besides I'm too lazy to go to Chinatown these days. Fuck that. I like waking up in the afternoon, and doing nothing all day long. Rofls!

& Sunny wants to get a tattoo. And she wants like a friendship tattoo for me, her & Erika. Sigh. First, I have no money. Second, I'm scared. And third, tattoos & piercings were like so two years ago. Lols. But I think it's a cute idea though! Maybe, but I don't know. Maybe something small? But if we do get all, all of us are gonna get the same thing... but in diff. colors? I DO NOT WANT A HEART, OR STAR TATTOO. -_- Fuck that. Everyone has that.

But I kind of want one on my hip or my ribcage. Or behind my ear. Or on my back. NO. I always wanted a crown on my back. A Juicy Couture crown, lols. Oh & also a slithering snake on my wrist. But eh. Or a bow. Bows are cute. LOL. I don't know. All three of us has to get the small tattoo though. Ugh. Maybe NOT!

Ugh, I hate reading these stupid romantic books. Drives me nuts, especially where it gets to the parts where they're fucking. Sighs. I'm so damn bored. 5AM & I can't sleep.. nothing to do expect read & tumblr.

Uhm, wow. I hate blogging on tumblr now, lols. Yeah I express too much of my damn emotions but thats my release okay? But like seriously, I post something emo and fucking bitches be all up on my ass. Yeah, yeah it shows how much they care and shit but it's annoying. "Jessey, stop. Stay strong, we can both do this." Sigh, shut up please. It's nice and all but like , goshh.

Everythings driving me crazy lately. -_- I HATE EVERYONE. wow. Lols. I don't really. It's nice to know at least SOME PEOPLE care, but yeah. It's all good.

I wanna watch a movie so bad. Sex and the city was goooooood! Amazing. I wish I can go away like them whenever a problem arrives. Or whatever. I can't bother to charger my itouch. Don't even want to see it.

WHAT CAN A GIRL DO AT 5AM?! I swear I have insomnia or something. But it's okay. Sleep at 6~7am and wake up 12 hrs later is goood.

Wow man, everyone's pissing me off. And this fucking bitch. Wow. Shows what a REAL FRIEND she is. Yeah, I'm a fucking mess and she doesn't even bother to ask how I am. Lol, and then come talking to me all cheerful and shit the next day? STFU. I DON'T WANNA SEE YOUR ANNOYING ASS FACE.

But it's all good. At least I get to see Sunny & Erika all next week. I fucking miss my best friends. Just like the good old days. Expect I don't feel so much like me anymore. I don't even fucking now. It's cool cause I like sleeping away my summer anyways. NOT! -_-..

The only time I ever allow myself to cry is when I go walk Fifi every night. I;m such a pathetic mess at night, but it's getting better. I try not to think about it during the day but I start going so damn emo at night.

Today I can't stop thinking about all the stuff I wanna do with you..Ugh, I feel so stupid for even thinking about that cause you don't want anything to do with me.

Wow, LOL. I'm a fucking dumbass. No more. I don't care anymore.

I can't sleep tonight.. I keep playing with my Love necklace from F21. I got it that day where I went to QCM by myself. I had fun that day by myself and I don't know.

I thought about what we were doing and even though it was the first day and I said I'd give you space, all I could think about was the fact that why are we wasting so much time arguing and fighting when we could be happy together.

I don't know why I'm even.. doing this now. Gonna watch Sex & the City 2. Ever since you've been again, I haven't been able to touch my itouch. I keep it locked up in my drawer and haven't bothered using it. It just gets me so damn depressed.. Ugh.